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Punk Has Prescription Cigarettes Somehow

DAVENPORT, Iowa — Local delinquent Christine Pritchard surprised friends and family when she somehow obtained a prescription for cigarettes, according to impressed fellow small-time grifters.

“It wasn’t easy to accomplish,” said Pritchard, singer for punk band Shit Piñata, as she ripped into a carton of Parliament 100s. “I had to do some doctor-shopping until I finally found one cool enough to hear me out. I explained that I’ve got a whole host of psychological issues, and I’ve tried every SSRI out there, but nothing helps me as much as ripping cigs. It calms me right down every time. So a steady, reliable supply of cigarettes would do wonders for my mental health. I don’t have a lot of bread, so I asked the doc if he could get my state-subsidized insurance to foot the bill.”

Dr. Alan Swenson was glad to write the prescription for what he deemed a medical necessity.

“I’ve been criticized by a lot of colleagues, but I remind my sanctimonious, chickenshit peers that there’s precedent for this type of treatment, such as using methadone—an opiate—to control opiate abuse,” said Dr. Swenson while practicing his golf swing. “I did have to exploit some loopholes to get Ms. Pritchard his much-needed medication. My rationale is that for some antisocial personalities, abstaining is not a realistic or safe option, and it’s sometimes better for everyone to keep certain people pacified with their substance of choice. Nicotine happens to be a highly effective medication for my patient’s acute nicotine addiction disorder.”

The unconventional story of medicinal cigarettes has made a splash on Washington’s K Street, where tobacco lobbyists have been working to parlay the case into a payday for their clients.

“Ms. Pritchard’s doctor is a genius,” said Altria lobbyist Kevin Quaid. “Everyone knows that smoking in the US is being attacked on all sides, so we really need creative problem-solvers like Dr. Swenson to think outside the box. Soon after hearing this story, we visited a few legislators and offered them some generous incentives in exchange for just taking a look at our proposal. A short time later, a bill was drafted that would require Medicaid to pay for cigarettes for certain nicotine-addicted individuals. Fingers crossed that it passes, as it’s really a win-win situation for everyone. Mainly for us.”

At press time, Pritchard was reportedly harassing area dentists in an attempt to obtain a prescription for nitrous oxide.