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10 out of 10 Doctors Agree: Getting Paid to Shill for Prescription Drugs Is Awesome

CAMDEN, Conn. — A blockbuster study conducted by Quinnipiac University found that on average, 10 out of 10 American doctors unilaterally believe that being paid to shill for prescription drugs is monetarily awesome.

“I took the Hippocratic Oath to help any and all people in need of medical treatment, and I intend to mostly honor it. But at the same time, I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with recommending a litany of medications to all of my patients to ‘cure’ even the most frivolous of ailments if I get a weekly direct deposit from Johnson & Johnson,” said Dr. Seth Johnson. “If the pharmaceutical lobby throws money at politicians every day, then can’t I get in on the action? I mean sure, most of my patients don’t really need this shit and it’s likely wreaking havoc on their bodies as we speak, but I was able to straight up buy my Land Rover with cash. Even trade-off.”

Americans across the country have noticed even routine checkups have felt more like advertisements for various pills.

“Being in my 40s, I’ve seen lots of specialists as my body is starting to show its wear and tear. But from the cardiologists to the urologists it feels like I’m constantly stuck in hour-long pill-pushing seminars. Yesterday my podiatrist wanted to write me a prescription for Viagra! Just give me the orthopedic insoles and shut the fuck up,” said Brian Feller. “Half the medicines they want to give me are still in the experimental stage, which I’m sure will cause side effects quelled by more pills. They must be making bank, because every subsequent visit my doctors have more gold chains and plastic surgery.”

While many see the moral complications of doctors writing unnecessary prescriptions for personal gain, the FDA noted that it is technically legal.

“Every medical professional is within their rights to do what they think is best for their patients and more importantly for themselves, even if that means shamelessly promoting pills like a celebrity spokesperson. This is just how the healthcare system works in our country and there’s probably nothing we as the government can do about it,” said FDA official Claire Lawrence. “And for what it’s worth, our oversight and approval of drugs is based solely on what research the pharmaceutical companies tell us, and this usually requires luxurious but completely unrelated beach vacations prior to authorization.”

As of press time, a follow-up study also concluded that 10 out of 10 doctors agreed that “copays are for pussies and that the best care only comes from paying out of pocket.”