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Sex Museum in Japan Entirely Pixelated

TOKYO — The Seikoi Museum of Sex in Kabuki-cho, the red-light district of Japan’s capital, opened its doors for the first time earlier this week in accordance with Article 175 of the Criminal Code of Japan, which requires genitalia to be censored in pornography.

“Factions of the government deemed the sex organs obscene in the 1800s to appease the first conservative visitors from the West. Today, we are unveiling new and exciting ways to disguise those naughty bits, such as transposing digital mosaics of Hello Kitty over the pubic area,” bragged museum director Takeshi Sasaki. “Penises are not allowed to be depicted in their full glory like they were in shunga paintings from the past, which ironically over-emphasized the genitals. These days, tentacles have replaced them in many situations to bypass the laws. As you may have noticed, the benches in here are octopus tentacles so that people can avoid sitting on exhibits they can’t see, such as our giant Pocky sticks covered in pubic hair.”

As guests poured in, everything below their beltlines was automatically pixelated to fit in with the theme.

“I love how immersive the experience is,” mused Maik Freytag, a German tourist. “Anyone standing next to each other look like they could be fucking simply because of the complementary genital censorship. Sex culture in my country is also famous worldwide, and nudity isn’t seen as a big deal. The attitude of our explicit porn is known as ‘ichzeigdirmeinewenndumirdeinezeigst,’ which roughly translates to ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.’ However, I am enjoying the secretive nature found here, so I will be visiting the gift shop to buy pixelated condoms in the hopes that I can mimic the life of a Japanese porn star at home.”

Legendary porn actress Sakura, a Hungarian immigrant who moved to the country to exploit the rising number of Japanese men who fetishize white women, served as the guest of honor at the museum opening.

“I never knew I could ever be considered exotic, but here I am,” explained Sakura. “It’s funny because people can’t even see half of my body here. I’m getting paid the money I would normally make filming 10 movies just to dry hump this 7-foot-tall Pikachu doll for a few hours. I wish all of my gigs were this easy.”

Sasaki hypothesized that the venue’s interactive, 3D bukkake simulator would be the most popular exhibit.