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5 Perfect Charcuterie Boards That Will Help You Forget That You and Your Friends Killed a Hitchhiker That Summer

Charcuterie boards have certainly had a surge in popularity lately, and it’s easy to see why! The mouthwatering variety of salty meats, decadent cheeses (drool), and virtually endless combinations of other treats are a great fit at formal parties, casual get togethers, and can even be enjoyed alone for when you need to push those dark memories to the back of your haunted mind.

Who could dwell on the mistakes of the past when so many possible flavor combinations lay in front of you?!

You asked and we heard you loud and clear, so here are 5 perfect charcuterie boards that will help you forget that you and your friends killed a hitchhiker that summer!

The Big Meat Board

This one is for all you diehard carnivores out there. You’ll need at least 5 different meats for this satisfying board. I’m not going to tell you which to use, because you’re already picturing what you want! Presentation is everything, so fold the slices and fan them out like how you would imagine a search party fanning out to look for any clue to the recent disappearance of a person you didn’t think anyone would miss. Don’t forget the artisanal crackers!

The Rose Garden

I always get asked two questions: “Can I add inedible objects to my board, for example, flowers?” And, “Do you think Brian is talking to the authorities?” Yes, yes and he better fucking not be!
Make this heavenly snack selection look amazing by placing some of your garden flowers throughout. We’ll deal with snitches who swore to secrecy later, but for now add some salted nuts and seeds to pull it all together.

The Sweet & Spicy

Let this spicy board punish you (and not a jury of your peers) for your unspeakable sin. The hot sopressata, peppered prosciutto, cherry peppers and pickled habaneros will have you covered in sweat like you’ve been digging a giant fucking hole in the woods for an hour. Balance this one out by adding generous amounts of dark chocolate, fresh wild blueberry, and horseradish cheddar. Yum!

With all that spice on this board, you may find yourself over-imbibing on your wine pairing. Just remember: everyone makes mistakes, they just don’t talk about them. This is normal now.

The Rx
You didn’t hear this one from us (wink). Assemble whatever pharmaceuticals you can muster up, and arrange in colorful small bowls flanked by a variety of olives and a nice Gouda. This surprising board is sure to stop those pesky thoughts of guilt dead in their tracks. Bonus points for not driving down a dark winding road on your way back from the lake house after enjoying this one. The same road where, one fateful summer, you and your friends got a little carried away with your fun times and some poor soul payed the price. And as much as the incident haunts you, you can’t help but wonder if you could get away with it again.

Double bonus points for including fruit that is in-season!

The Escape to Mexico

No surprise that chorizo is the star here, but including cotija and queso fresco is a must. This daring board is best enjoyed outside of the reach of domestic prosecutors. ¡Libertad de homicidio involuntario!