Five Red Flags That Your Tinder Date Is Just the Bees From “My Girl”

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Meeting a new romantic partner is technically easier than ever, but weeding through dating apps is enough to make dying alone feel like a viable option. Then, one day, your hours of swiping pay off: they’re an actor, have impeccable taste in music, and love the outdoors! Sounds too good to be true? Well, maybe it is.

If you agree to meet for dinner and want a real love connection, here’s how you can tell whether they’re “the one” or just the swarm of angry bees that set in motion the tragic ending of the 1991 film “My Girl.”

5. Keeps talking about protecting the Queen
Okay, so maybe “Queen” is a metaphor. They could be talking about their dog, their mother, or they could just be really into the Royal Family. But if they mention anything about said queen eating copious amounts of jelly, or having more than 200 brothers and sisters, maybe don’t order anything with sugar in it.

4. You hear a constant, indistinct buzzing every time they talk
A trendy restaurant may seem like a good choice for your first date, but trendy restaurants are busy and loud. You’ll spend most of the evening scream-talking about general interests, and take it from me, that is a one-way ticket to Dating Bees Town! Instead of pulling this rookie mistake, pick a more intimate setting, and listen closely. Are they talking about their family’s lake house in upstate New York, or is their voice just a droning, ominous buzzing noise, and you’re maybe just hearing that lake house stuff because it’s what you want to hear? Listen between the words.

3. They insist the waitstaff change out the flowers every 20 minutes
A good table centerpiece can make or break a romantic dinner, but if you notice they’re too rigid about the flower arrangement on the table, something may be up. Are they constantly prodding at it and rubbing pollen all over their arms? Are they asking for more floral arrangements than drinks? Do they get aggressive with the waitstaff when they run out of flowers, and then demand a bowl full of orange slices? If you answered yes to any of those three, it might be a good idea to keep your hands under the table, lest you be stung.

2. Keeps name dropping Dan Aykroyd
They know a celebrity, and he’s one of the Ghostbusters? Score! But then every story they tell is like, “One time Dan and I got really high on royal jelly on set,” or, “Dan and I used to prank call Chevy Chase and tell him his career was over.” You know, really specific stories that would have only happened within a one-month window during the beginning of the ’90s when “My Girl” was filmed.

1. Knows way too much about Macaulay Culkin’s medical history
Okay first of all, this an egregious HIPPA violation. More importantly though, why do they know Macaulay’s blood type and how many epi-pens he keeps on hand? This is a dead giveaway that your potential mate is not actually a person, but a swarm of angry bees just waiting for you to pick up an errant mood ring.

Stoic Punk Stands In Middle of Pit Like a Mighty Redwood, Unconcerned and Immovable by Nature and Time

Posted on by James Knapp

ATLANTA — Local punk Rodney Tobleson reportedly stood completely still with arms crossed in the middle of the pit during a recent Wailing Anus show like a wisened old sequoia, profoundly impressed sources confirmed.

“The show was going pretty good and the pit was stirred up like I haven’t seen in a while. We were about twenty minutes into our set when I noticed [Tobleson] standing out there. At first I thought he was some kind of avant-garde art installation the venue put in,” explained Wailing Anus singer Kurdt “Brown Eye” Sobechekski. “It took like two or three more songs before I finally realized it was a human guy and, honestly, it was one of the most impressive things I’ve ever seen. I know for a goddamn fact that at least three other people lost teeth in the pit that night, so just him being out there totally unfazed… man, I still can’t wrap my head around it.”

Showgoer Allison Mendle gave her account of Tobleson’s apparent mid-pit nirvana.

“I never even saw him walk up. It’s like he just materialized there from out of nothing,” said Mendle. “And then he didn’t move an inch for the whole rest of the show. I can’t even imagine what he could have been thinking. But that look on his face, he was like some grandfatherly spirit tree or something. Like he just understood. I might need to look into becoming Buddhist or something, because that looked like pure serenity.”

Tobleson’s experience as a pit-centric obelisk was detailed during the show by his own internal monologue.

“I just had to keep telling myself to stay cool. I ate way too many shrooms before that show and I had to self-soothe myself until I believed it was gonna be okay,” he recalled. “The best thing to do in a situation like that is to just stay completely, still like a tree, and no one will notice. No one can see you if you stand totally still. Even though all the other trees by you are moving around a lot, you just stay still. The pit is actually one of the best places to practice something like that, unlike the airport, which I learned the hard way can and will get you in a lot of trouble.”

At press time, a woodpecker that had accidentally flown into the pit landed on Tobleson and began meticulously drilling into the side of his skull.

Goth Kid Plagued By Nightmares After Watching Lighthearted Rom-Com

Posted on by Taylor Roebuck

LANSING, Mich. — 14-year-old goth Sarah Marpa suffered a series of horrendous nightmares after watching lighthearted rom-com “The Wedding Singer” with her parents, confused family sources confirmed.

“I liked the movie at first, when the main character got dumped and was miserable. And then he sang that low key banger of a song about how he wished he was dead. But then, in a horrifying plot twist, Sandler and that lady that got gutted in ‘Scream’ fell in love,” Marpa said from beneath a blanket. “I can’t sleep. I keep having these awful dreams about the end when Robbie sings that song and the whole plane claps. Then suddenly, I’m on the plane, and I’m clapping along with a big goofy smile on my face. And also I start losing all my teeth, and then I have to take a math quiz I didn’t prepare for. Then, I wake up screaming. Can you leave the door cracked on your way out?”

Marpa’s parents feel extreme guilt after exposing their child to an unrelenting 97 minutes of sheer buoyancy.

“I loved ‘The Wedding Singer’ when I was little, so I just wanted to share it with her. Poor kid hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in days. I feel terrible,” said father Robert Marpa. “I forgot about the cheery montage with that Hall and Oates song. That’s where it got really bad. Her eyes went wide and she just sat there, motionless. That song is pure joy and it completely freaked her out. I tried to help by explaining that the old lady with the meatballs died years ago. And then I lied and said that Adam Sandler isn’t real and can’t hurt you. But she was still terrified.”

Experts say that the Marpa family is not alone in their experience.

“It is a quite common occurrence among goth children. A patient of mine once walked into the room while his sister was watching ‘Clueless.’ Severe night terrors for a month straight,” said child psychologist Veronica Salazar. “Parents should try to cheer up their child with activities to distract them and reorient their mind to their naturally dark, brooding state. Try taking a family trip to a cemetery or drawing pictures of Baphomet together; something that will bring a twinkle to your child’s eye.”

At press time, Sarah Marpa had finally fallen asleep after a few consecutive viewings of “The Exorcist.”

Oh No: Local Band Spent Lockdown Getting Into Synths

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

CHICAGO — Local hardcore band Generation Failure drew gasps from the audience during their first show back from lockdown as it became clear during their 25 minute set that they spent the last year and a half getting into synths, multiple aghast sources confirmed.

“I don’t really know what I just watched,” said Mike Asher, Editor-in-Chief of fanzine Frustrated on Fullerton, only available for free at two friends’ local record stores. “They were like this heavy as hell post-hardcore band two years ago with some Unwound and Dischord influences, but not anymore! At first we thought it was a joke or like a long buildup to something heavy, but it never came. It was as disappointing as when you think you are going to sneeze but then lose it at the last second; the only difference was there was a ton of shitty synth music driving us all crazy.”

Band members reported that during the COVID-19 lockdowns in Chicago, they spent a lot of time exploring new music and experimenting with synth keyboards.

“During the height of the pandemic I got really into Kraftwerk, Pet Shop Boys, and even Gary Newman. I started sharing songs with the rest of the band and they got so excited they spent all of their unemployment money on some sick new keyboards,” said Generation Failure singer Gavin Coleman. “We knew that a lot of people might not accept our new sounds, but we didn’t expect so much backlash. Someone sent my mother a letter that said her dog would be killed if we don’t play older stuff at our next show. Those threats don’t scare me, and that dog is old as shit anyway.”

One of the biggest fans of Generation Failure’s new direction in sound is Anna Simmons, the Sweetwater Sound Sales Rep for Coleman and his bandmates.

“Gavin picked up a KORG Modwave and some cables at the beginning of the pandemic. Company policy is to call a customer every 12 hours for the next few weeks after a purchase to upsell them on other stuff,” said Simmons. “Gavin never says no! A sequencer, Moog Matriarch, Berhinger TD-3 — Gavin and the rest of the band have bought everything I’ve suggested without question. I’ve doubled my sales commission for the year already! I’m a big Generation Failure fan and I haven’t heard any music”

Generation Failure are not the only local artists who have made stylistic changes. Comedian Anthony Precourt spent lockdown getting into Qanon, and now spends his stage time yelling about pedophiles, adrenochrome, and making audience members uncomfortable.

Opinion: 40 Is the New 20 if You’re Still Not Ready for Any Responsibility Whatsoever

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Let’s be real — age is just a number. What’s great is that it can be any number you want, depending on how much responsibility you’re still not yet comfortable with.

I mean, you know what they say: 40 is the new 20. As a 42-year-old, my lack of financial security and massive student loan debt couldn’t agree more. Sure, I can start putting away some money for the future if I want, but I’m just not ready to settle down and start a savings account. Besides, I’m far too busy living life to the fullest, which means getting hammered at a Chili’s on a Tuesday. You only live once, right?

And yeah, I guess having a kid would officially make me feel 40. But again, responsibilities give me the absolute creeps. So do children, now that I think about it. Also, my parents used to be 40 and have a kid, and I’m not about to follow in their footsteps.

Anyway, while all my friends from high school show off their families, careers, and houses on social media, I’m over here showing the world the clever memes I didn’t come up with, but pass off as my own anyway. Honestly, I can’t imagine how jealous they are of my dozens of Instagram followers despite how completely fulfilled they look all the time online. Suckers!

Don’t get me wrong. I definitely don’t look 20 anymore, even though I’m doing everything I can to fight the brutal effects to aging. It actually takes a lot of work to look your exact biological age.

But seriously, the older I get, the more I theoretically stay the same age. Anyone can do it, too. I find it’s best to pick the age where you had your best year, and just keep riding that out until you die. After all, life is short. You wouldn’t want to waste it on responsibilities.

As long as I live to be 112, everything should pan out fine.

Dude Running First House Show Makes Sure Toilet Is Nice and Broken

Posted on by Julia Zhen

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Brad Harris, a first time house show promoter, triple checked to make sure the only toilet at his debut DIY gig was so broken that show-goers wouldn’t even attempt to piss in it, sources confirmed.

“I wanted people to leave the show and think, ‘Wow, that place was a piece of shit. I can’t wait until my band gets to play there,’” said Harris while dropping lit cigarettes onto his carpet. “I went back to basics: I removed the numbers from the front of the house so the place was impossible to find, I fucked the toilet up so bad that it would make the best plumber in town cry, and I advertised there would be free beer but made sure the cooler was empty when people showed up. I used the said beer to pour on the floor way ahead of time, so that it would already be sticky.”

Many of the attendees had glittering reviews and were overall “very impressed” with the state of the DIY house venue.

“The outdoor and indoor couches were the perfect amount of dirty, smelly, and ripped apart. Plus, the aroma of piss around the yard because the toilet was broken was the cherry on top,” said scene veteran Ari Lucas. “Felt like home. All the other gigs I’ve been to had ‘broken’ toilets, but you could still flush them if you just lifted the toilet tank lid off and pulled the chain. But Brad truly outdid himself. I’ve never seen a toilet that clogged before, with water to the brim. I think there might have even been a shoe in there.”

However, one member of the band Door Lickers, who performed that night, was not very pleased with how good they sounded.

“This dude must have been some rich kid. His basement had a rack of lights that put out the perfect amount of lighting. My band plays best under a single fluorescent bulb that keeps flickering on and off,” said Door Lickers drummer Sammy Tadverdyan. “And they had a functioning PA with a sober sound guy. It really threw us off our game, because I’ve never played a basement show with a sound guy, not to mention a guy that seemed happy to be there. We’re used to playing through broken bass cabs that sound so bad we end up fighting people trying to unplug us.”

Harris vowed to improve the next show by removing the second step down to the basement, blocking off all potential emergency exits, and making sure to call the police himself to file a noise complaint.

Opinion: The Government Can’t Tell Me What To Do Because the Tenets of Punk Rock Already Did

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Never let the government tell you what you can and cannot do. That’s what punk rock is for. In fact, I learned everything I know today from that one specific type of music I heard when I was 16. And I’m glad I did. I wouldn’t want to be one of those suckers who grew up following the doctrine of hair metal. I’m sorry, but there simply isn’t enough room for more than one fashion-based genre to tell me what’s best for me.

Few people know this, but a lot of the policies of the US government directly contradict punk ideologies. For one, punk is all about non-conformity. The government, on the other hand, is all about following the rules. Well, the ones that they create. Well, some of the rules they create. Ya know, as long as it’s advantageous for them to do so.

Anyway, the only rules I follow are the ones outlined by the real founding fathers: Joey Ramone, Joe Strummer, Jello Biafra, and “Riot” by The Casualties. These guys are actually way more credible than those 18th-century dicks. First off, they never owned slaves. Class acts.

And, of course, I follow punk’s official unwritten bill of rights. Our second amendment is actually a highly contentious one that deals with the right to bear booze at a house show. I’m definitely packing PBR at $5 basement shows. Open carry, baby! Our first amendment is just the word “fuck.”

So besides all the laws, regulations, and traffic rules I just so happen to abide by, the government can’t force me to rigidly conform to a set of arbitrary rules, because punk already did.

Alt Station Celebrates 1,000th Consecutive All ‘90s Weekend

Posted on by Chris Jones

TOPEKA, Kan. — The highest-rated Alternative radio station in Kansas, 105.7 The Future, is reportedly celebrating its 1,000th consecutive All ‘90s Weekend, official sources confirmed.

“When the ‘90s ended, it quickly became clear that there would be no more good music,” explained DJ Tony “Extra Sausage” Rizzuto. “The first warning that music was going to shit was in June of ‘99 when people started requesting us to play Blink-182. There’s no way in hell I was going to play those corporate bubblegum sellouts. We only play bands like Smashing Pumpkins, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, and Ween. Those bands showed everyone you don’t have to sell your soul to evil record labels. We’ve exclusively been playing ‘90s music every weekend since Saturday, January 1st of 2000, and that will never change.”

The station celebrated the anniversary by featuring praise from longtime fans of the weekend program.

“I’ve been proudly listening to the all ‘90s weekend for over 20 years now, so I don’t know what I’d do without hearing the same Hootie & The Blowfish song 12 times every weekend shift at the factory,” remarked megafan Daniel Robertson. “Call it stupid nostalgia if you’d like, but I strive to involve the ‘90s in every aspect of my life. Needless to say, Jncos, fanny packs, and Soundgarden posters are commonplace at my house. Hell, I still have a dial-up modem. I don’t need high speed internet to be happy, I just need my radio and that one Semisonic song everyone likes.”

Sources in Kansas reported that 105.7 The Future’s rival stations were not impressed with the anniversary.

“Come on bro, it’s 2021 for Christ’s sake!” exclaimed DJ Rad Chad of 101 The New Alternative. “I’ve listened to every ‘90s song so many times that they bore the hell out of me at this point. That’s why we’re instead taking this opportunity to look towards the future of music. We actually started experimenting with all 2000s weekends. At first, we just did it to piss off Tony, but we’re noticing that our audience seems to double every time we play ‘Mr. Brightside,’ so I think we’re definitely on to something that those dinosaur fucks at 105.7 haven’t tapped into yet.”

The radio station is set to further mark the occasion by raffling off 25 bottles of Heinz EZ Squirt Purple Ketchup and a six-pack of Chucklin’ Cherry Squeezits.

Having Mutton Chops Doesn’t Mean I Know About Boats, but Yeah That’s Actually the Stern

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Woah, woah, woah. Anchors down. Full stop. Just because I have mutton chops and happen to be standing on a ship while wearing a captain’s hat does not make me an expert on boats. You close-minded moron. You are scum and the second we get back to land I’m reporting you to the local authorities as a one-man hate group. But to answer your original question, yeah, that’s actually the stern, not the bow.

Do you know how hard it is to shave your beard into a pair of tasteful, precisely crafted mutton chops? It’s almost as hard as tying a cleat hitch sturdy enough to attach my fishing vessel to the wharf. And by the way, this is something I learned to do long before adopting these hairy cheek peninsulas. You bigoted sea-Hitler.

You’re lucky we’e not in international waters, because out there insulting a man’s choice in appearance is punishable by whatever the fuck I want. I would also like to point out that I studied this long before getting my mutton chops. I was more of a sideburns guy back then. Not that you’d bother to know, but there’s a big difference.

It would be nice if I could actually take a moment to enjoy my facial hair without a nosey land-lubber like you approaching me for advice on where to buy a decent sail or pair of kayak paddles. Especially at my job at REI.

If you’re looking to do some light sailing, a woven nylon sail is your best bet, by the way. And since you’re a beginner I’d recommend a pair of feathered Carlisle Day Tripper paddles, since they’re not too expensive. Remember not to over-exert yourself, and always bring a life jacket. Just kidding. I hope you perish in the dark depths of the Atlantic.

Maybe I’m overreacting a little. After all, much like how JNCO jeans are popular with nu-metal fans, the Chops are very popular amongst seafolk. I’m just hurt that it was my sideburn-beard that clued you into my profession instead of my hook hand, eye patch, or the giant squid I’ve been fighting this entire time.

All I ask is that next time, maybe think before you make an assumption about someone’s level of seamanship. Because not even the cold, inhuman wrath of the ocean can do more damage than words.

Morrissey Excited to Be Back Out There Canceling Shows Again

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — Legendary alt-crooner Morrissey admitted that he feels creatively fulfilled now that he is able to cancel his performances at the last minute once again, sources close to the polarizing performer confirmed.

“I know it sounds quite pompous really, but after the events of this last year my music will be much needed. We booked every city we could find to add hope to these people’s lives. It’s a damn shame that I’m going to be disappointing nearly all of them by pulling out an hour before the show after everyone has already made plans with a babysitter and all that. I’m not even sure if the tickets are refundable,” said Morrissey from his home. “In the past I simply woke up and decided if I was going to play. But now, for travel logistics, I plan the cancelations. I have an ‘exhaustion’ excuse planned for Berlin. And a splendid ‘too close to a leather store’ in motion for Dayton.”

Longtime Morrissey fanatic Seth Childers is hoping this is the tour where he finally gets to see his idol perform.

“I’m so excited to drive to the venue, pay for parking and then wait in line for hours to see if he shows. If Morrissey just doesn’t ‘feel like being looked at today,’ a true fan will support him,” said Childers. “Unpredictability is part of the fun with Morrissey. I mean, one week he will skip a talk show because there’s hunters sharing the bill, and the next he’s spouting off brutal racist ideologies and supporting neofascism. That guy keeps us all guessing with his wacky antics.”

Noted music historian Mick ‘Zep’ Miller reported seeing similar excitement across many music scenes.

“Artists are ready to hit the road in their proper form. I know Snoop Dog is planning on showing up six hours late and only playing a medley of his top five hits. But I’m most excited to see Axl Rose return to St. Louis, where he plans on starting another riot,” said Miller. “With crowds champing at the bit for any live entertainment, this should be one of the most exciting concert seasons we’ve ever seen. I hear the Rolling Stones are even shopping biker gangs for security.”

Morrissey was unavailable for further comment, as he was busy telling his driver that he has never known what love is.