Help! I Troid Singing Loike Blink 182 and Now Moy Voice Is Stuck This Way

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Seriously, I ehm so scared roight now.

Moy girlfriend broike up weth mee last wehk after three amay-zing months tew-ge-ther. She was the love of moy loife and I was totally heartbro-kehn. So of course, I opened YewTewb and pulled up the best theeng ever writ-tehn about heartbrehk: “I Miss You” by Blink 182. I belted owt every werd while barely holding back moy teers. But after the song end-ehd, I couldn’t get moy voice back tew norm-ehl!

Over the past wehk I have troid everytheeng I could theenk of tew fix it, from scree-ming at the top of moy lungs tew reading verses from the holy bi-behl. Notheeng has helped! I even went tew urgent care, but the ree-cep-shun-ehst couldn’t understand a werd I was saying bee-hind moy mask. When I wroite down moy prob-lehm and showed them the piece of pay-pehr, they just laughed at mee and said tew come back if I have a coif or a feev-er.

I’m troing to avide sentences with the werds troi, moi, yheuwe, toime, loif, foive, tuhnyte, insyde, outsoid, bee-hind and bloind but eet’s teew hourd!

I theenk I’m lewsing moy moind! I even called moy grandma last noight for some advoice and she hehng up on mee after tew min-ehts. Apparently she’s in the hos-peh-tul now because she thought she had a stroike during our conver-say-shun.

Tom Delonge and Mark Hoppus, if yew are reading this, please reach out tew mee and tell mee how yew turn off your pop-punk voice. I’ve heard yew both do in-ter-views and yew don’t always sound like this. I will dew anytheeng tew stop tah-king this way!

Man Once Again Manages to Stand in Spot Where Everyone Pushes Past Him

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — Local punk Frankie Hartman lamented moments ago that he managed to stand yet again in the exact spot where everyone pushes past him to get a better spot closer to the band, noting that this happens to him “every goddamned time.”

“Every fucking time with this! I missed half of the opening act because I was trying to keep my drink from being spilled, and MOTHERFUCKER,” exclaimed Hartman as another venue patron casually shoved past him. “I’m not that big of a guy or come off as intimidating, so maybe people are doing this intentionally… but everytime I go to a bar or a show, I fucking swear I’m getting jostled around by people trying to get to the bar or the bathroom and then coming back and smashing into me at full speed. I always think I have it figured out, but I go home feeling like I got in a car acci-”

Hartman was cut off as he was swept away with the crowd surging forward, but friends later confirmed his version of events.

“Frankie can be a bit melodramatic, but I think he may be on to something,” remarked frequent companion Adam Lacey, as he picked a battered Hartman off the venue floor. “I have to say, I find this whole thing to be fascinating — we never stand in the same spot twice, and he’ll spend about 10 minutes scouting the whole venue, looking for an out-of-the-way spot with not too many people, but it always ends up being for nothing. He just ends up with half his drink on his leather jacket and glasses knocked off. It’s like watching an NFL blooper reel. He wasn’t too happy when I pointed that out.”

Venue staff were quick to point out that the show’s raucous nature, mixed with minimal floor space of these venues, often make unintended human interaction unavoidable.

“There’s always a few people that come here and seem to have a complete meltdown if someone so much as brushes past them. It’s a small, crowded room. These things happen,” noted bouncer Craig Harris. “This guy seems to be a special case, though. I guess I can understand his frustration, since he always puts up with this crap. One time he was waiting in line for the bar, and the crowd managed to sweep him into the bathroom… and no one saw him for the rest of the night.”

At press time, Hartman had been knocked head first into a trashcan and was struggling to get staff’s attention before being emptied into a dumpster.

Review: Suicidal Tendencies “Suicidal Tendencies”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Each week, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover “Suicidal Tendencies,” the 1983 self titled debut album from crossover thrash legends, Suicidal Tendencies.

This album is a fucking classic. Just front to back bangers including some of the band’s most popular songs to date. “I Shot the Devil,” “I Saw Your Mommy,” “Institutionalized,” they’re all here. It’s so good that I don’t even care about the malicious conspiracy theory the band has denied for years. We all know it, the one that says the group was created by PepsiCo for the sole purpose of  selling soda to young punks. Sometimes the internet gets things wrong, don’t believe everything you read.

Besides, what is that conspiracy even based on? The fact that most quoted part of their biggest song of the last 30 years is about wanting a Pepsi? That’s just a coincidence. I mean he couldn’t say Coca-Cola. That’s way too many syllables. And RC Cola just didn’t have enough brand recognition. Pepsi is just a general soda that Mike Muir used as an example. The bigger message of that part is that he wasn’t on drugs. He’s a good kid and his mom freaked out for no reason. That’s the point of that part. Good kids drink Pepsi, lots and lots of Pepsi and the most well behaved kids will drink other PepsiCo products like Sierra Mist, or even Tropicana juices.

Oh and let me address the other elephant in the room here since we’re on the topic. The members of Suicidal Tendencies wear a lot of blue. That’s just the uniform of the group. They like the way it looks and it helps people recognize their band. Kind of like how Coca-Cola’s whole thing is red cans and Pepsi’s whole thing is blue cans. It helps people tell the difference. But, despite what the conspiracy might try to say, there is absolutely no evidence to support the claim that Pepsi told Suicidal they had to wear blue all the time or they would be murdered by veterans of the Cola Wars. It’s a completely separate thing.

Suicidal Tendencies’ self titled record is amazing because the band kicks fucking ass. I don’t care how many outlandish accusations there are about their whole inception being a marketing campaign by a major soda corporation. Stop watching countless hours of YouTube videos trying to convince you of something that isn’t true and just listen to the album for yourself.

Score: 8/8 cold crisp refreshing cans of Pepsi, the perfect soda for a good time. That’s what I Like.

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Tough Guy Hardcore Shows Put on Hold as Entire Scene Prepares to Redeploy to Afghanistan

Posted on by Contributor

PHILADELPHIA — All shows featuring tough guy hardcore bands are now on indefinite hiatus as musicians within the genre prepare to head back to Afghanistan, confirmed multiple shirtless sources wearing camo shorts.

“I was a little disappointed because I’ve used my free time during COVID to write breakdowns heavy enough to smother an IED,” said Socket Wrench guitar player “Big” Lenny Harbour. “My band got booked on Severe Brain Trauma Fest, but as soon as we heard about the Taliban retaking Kabul we got an email from the fest booker, who also happens to be my commanding officer, that we need to get ready to redeploy. I was hoping to finally get a chance to fuck shit up in my hometown again, but fucking shit up in the desert will have to do for a while.”

Tough guy hardcore fans were initially upset by the sudden show cancellations until they realized they would be fighting alongside some of their favorite musicians.

“I was so bummed that I wasn’t going to get to see Fracture Compound play with Constant Threat, but then I realized I’m in the same platoon as Fracture Compound’s drummer ‘Big’ Jake Cooper,” said Private First Class and Knuckle Down Crew member Mikey Cortez. “I have so much pent-up energy because of COVID and I was ready to unleash it all during the first breakdown I heard. Honestly, I hope I get surrounded by a group of Taliban fighters, I’ll just picture I’m in the middle of a pit, and someone just hit a China cymbal and I’ll just go off winging punches into the crowd.”

Critics of American military intervention overseas were less excited about the possibility of more troops in the Middle East, but admit they were relieved at the same time.

“I don’t think the United States has any idea what the fuck they’re doing when it comes to stopping the Taliban. We’ve spent billions of dollars creating a security force and it’s all been a fucking waste,” said Henry O’Grady. “But on the other hand, it will be nice to get rid of some of these dudes for a couple months. I hate when I’m just standing by the merch table and then suddenly I get spin kicked and pushed into the wall by some Army meathead. I’m not sure if they’ll make Afghanistan safe for civilians, but at least I know shows around here will be less violent.”

The sudden pull out of the tough guy hardcore scene has left a power vacuum, leaving many experts to expect the sudden rise of a mid-00’s emo revival.

David Blaine Sits With Billy Corgan For 24 Hours in Daring New Stunt

Posted on by Jovian Gautama

NEW YORK — Illusionist and endurance artist David Blaine dove headfirst into his craziest stunt to date yesterday by locking himself in a small room with Smashing Pumpkins frontman and self-proclaimed “free-market libertarian capitalist” Billy Corgan, astounded sources confirmed.

“I’ve done dangerous performances in my career, from catching a bullet with my mouth to literally depriving myself of oxygen live on Oprah, but being in the same room with Mr. Corgan is the closest I am to killing myself,” said the visibly traumatized Blaine on his mid-stunt toilet break, right after Corgan asked for his opinion on Maoism in America. “We’re six hours in, and he spent two hours pitching me on wrestling the Hardy Boyz on TNA, and another four ranting about his theory that Biden’s dog was actually a shapeshifting Nancy Pelosi. It’s like being waterboarded with bullshit.”

Blaine’s agent Eliza Hunchworth said she felt guilty about putting Blaine through the endurance act, but admitted that their options were limited.

“We’re aware of the excruciating mental torture we put him through with the event, but we’re on a budget. For this stunt, all we need is a small room, two chairs, and printed out 3-star reviews of all Pumpkins albums to essentially turn the space into a gas chamber,” said Hunchworth. “Now we just need to figure out how to get Blaine into the business of YouTubers and B-list celebrities punching each other for a shitload of money.”

Corgan said he was delighted to be in the same room with Blaine, and claimed the event was a meeting of two “adrenaline junkies.”

“Thrill seeking daredevils like us get our fix by doing courageous acts; he buried himself alive for seven days straight, and I went to podcasts fighting leftist propaganda and female bass players. We’re not so different after all,” said Corgan, whose phone wallpaper is a photo of himself with full hair. “I’ve been into philanthropy recently, and this stunt made me realize that the best way for me to make the world better is to spend my valuable time letting people listen to my opinions. Who says we libertarians are all selfish pricks?”

As of press time, Blaine was criticized by several women for “not even doing magic at all” by merely subjecting himself to the unsolicited rantings of a single opinionated man.

Man With Chumbawamba Stuck in Head Forced to Get It Stuck in Someone Else’s Head to Break Curse

Posted on by Bobby Korec

ASTORIA, Ore. — Local man Bart Donaghue attempted to break a curse that resulted in Chumbawamba’s “Tubthumping” being stuck in his head by getting the song to play on a loop in someone else’s head, sources who couldn’t relate more confirmed.

“It’s been 72 hours and it’s only intensifying,” said Donaghue while popping far more than the recommended dose of Advil in a desperate attempt to relieve some of the pressure on his brain. “Earlier this week, I was listening to a throwback radio station when all of a sudden there was some weird static. I heard a faint voice whisper ‘Chumbawamba’ three times, then ‘Tubthumping’ started playing absurdly loud. It felt unnatural, like a demon of some sort did this. I’ve tried everything to get it out, even repeatedly playing ‘Who Let the Dogs Out?’ to offset it. Nothing seems to be working, though. It appears my only option is to find some poor sucker to take over this burden, so I can get back to avoiding this band at all costs.”

However, many of Donaghue’s attempts to break the so-called curse fell short.

“He kept rhythmically repeating the phrase, ‘I get knocked down, but I get up again’ over and over without breaking eye contact with me while trying to pay for his 5-Hour Energy drink,” said Terry Whitmore, cashier at a nearby convenience store. “Almost as if he was trying to hypnotize me. Honestly though, I had a hard time paying attention to him because I had that damn ‘Call Me Maybe’ song going on repeat in my head. Can’t wait until my brain moves on to literally anything else.”

Experts have long studied the effects of catchy songs on people’s mental health.

“A tune stuck in your head can actually wreak havoc on your brain’s cognitive function,” said neuroscientist Dr. Pamela Galt. “Take that one Gotye song from years back, for instance. We actually saw an alarming amount of patients who were forced to call out sick to work because they just couldn’t handle everyday tasks while that song was repeatedly causing neurological damage. The only thing you can do is ride it out until another song gets stuck in there or you die. Whichever comes first. Either way, sweet relief is around the corner.”

At press time, Donaghue was able to break the curse shortly before getting the song re-stuck in his head after it appeared on an episode of “CSI: Miami” without notice.

5 Fun Restaurant Themed Toys to Lull Your Children Into a Lifetime of Servitude in an Industry With No Respect for Employees, Benefits or Chances at Personal Growth

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s no secret that the food service industry is in crisis mode right now. Citing poor pay, a lack of benefits, and dehumanizing treatment from employers and customers alike, workers are quitting the industry in droves. It’s unclear where this notion that people should be fairly compensated for 40+ hours of labor every week came from, but if we don’t take action soon it could mean the end of the value menu as we know it! Fortunately, one solution can be found right in the toy section of your local Walmart.

In recent years, toy company executives have become more aware of the power their platform can wield, and they are using that power for an incredibly noble purpose: indoctrinating menial workers at a young age.

Never before has there been such a variety of fun, food-themed toys to choose from! Here are 5 kitchen playsets so fun your child won’t realize they’ve chosen a life of poverty until well after they’ve passed their ServSafe test.

GiftExpress Burger & Hot Dog Fast Food Cooking Play Set
This one is perfect for kids who need the bar set extra low. It comes with toy hamburgers, fries, hot dogs, drinks, condiments, and a serving tray with the simple yet subliminally impactful words “Food Fun” printed right on it. More importantly, what it does not come with is gainful income, access to reliable healthcare or the ability to unionize.

Fisher-Price Laugh and Learn Servin’ Up Fun Food Truck
Fisher-Price is something of an OG in the play kitchen world, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t innovative! If your child shows an entrepreneurial spirit, this food truck playset is perfect! Why not combine the low-reward stresses of food preparation and customer service with the psychotic episode-inducing headache of starting your own business and owing a bank a ton of money!

Fisher-Price Servin’ surprises Kitchen & Table Pizza Oven
Fisher-Price has done it again! This pizzeria-themed playset not only has a pizza kitchen, it has a counter for serving customers! If you have two kids and one chooses to be the chef and the other chooses to be the customer, you already know which one to send to college!

Honestly, the only thing missing from this playset is a pair of worn-out non-slip shoes that cause horrible back problems you can’t afford to replace without starving for a week.

Play-Doh Bakery Creations Dough Art
Let’s face it, as much as we try to deter it, some kids are just plain creative. Luckily this play-doh bakery will teach them to channel that creativity into cake decorating! Why foster an interest in art when those same skills could be utilized to produce something that makes money and eventually becomes poop?

Melissa & Doug Star Diner Play Set
This one comes with a fake pot of coffee and little menus— so adorbs! The only reason it’s on the bottom of our list is because it also features an apron with some fake money. Tips should be welcomed, but NEVER expected Melissa & Doug. Shame on you!

Roommate Who Let Band Crash Nowhere to be Found

Posted on by Kevin Tit

HYATTSVILLE, Md. — Local man Hanford Lin was nowhere to be found today after allowing touring band Snuffed to crash in the living room of the apartment he shares with four other roommates, startled residents of the modest apartment confirmed.

“He does this shit all the time, and I’m so fucking sick of it,” said roommate Beverly Harp, whose bedroom shares a wall with the living room. “He could’ve at least sent us a text giving us a heads up — I came home from work and found a bunch of strangers stinking up my house. One guy had his muddy boots on the couch, another was asleep holding a switchblade while wearing nothing but hole-riddled boxer briefs, and I’m pretty sure the dude on the floor passed out in a pile of his own puke.”

For their part, the members of Snuffed seemed to enjoy their stay at the house.

“We’ve been on tour for three weeks and this was the first time that whole time we’ve had a decent place to stay,” said drummer Pat “Putrid” Pudowski. “Sure, it was kind of weird to be woken up by a stranger screaming, ‘What the fuck?! Not this shit again!’ at us, but we really shouldn’t complain — I mean, we had a roof over our heads, a place to shower, and the fridge was stocked with enough food for us to load the van and not have to worry about shopping til we finish the tour.”

Lin was finally located after countless texts and phone calls went unanswered.

“I give a fuck about the scene, and I’m gonna go the extra mile to support it every chance I get,” Lin said. “I’m not gonna lie, though — I wanted to stay at my girlfriend’s place last night because those guys are fucking maniacs. I heard that on their last tour, they accidentally set someone’s house on fire when they tried to smoke crack off of an electric stove. You can’t blame me for not wanting to get brutally murdered in my sleep by one of those psychos.”

Hanford later offered the members of Snuffed the keys to his father’s work van to finish the tour.

Big City Girl Falls for Small-Town Hunk Until They Discuss Politics

Posted on by Shea Strauss

HOMESTEAD, Iowa — 32-year-old big city girl Vikki Rue reluctantly entered an intense but brief romance with local inn-keeper Ian Bridges that immediately ended once the new couple discussed politics, sources rooting for those two crazy kids confirmed.

“I was taking a brief sabbatical from my high-powered job in the city when I decided to visit old friends and family back home. One evening, my cousin dragged me along to the Annual Homestead Homecoming Hoedown. I didn’t think I’d have fun or even be able to relate to anyone there, seeing as how I’m a sophisticated workaholic now. But that’s when I saw Ian. Suddenly I had fallen for a single dad with a heart of gold, but the political views of a park bathroom,” said Rue ruefully. “It was love at first sight, and breakup at first sight of his pick-up’s ‘Trump 2024 Make America Great Again, Again’ bumper sticker. I was instantly reminded why I moved out of this backwards town.”

Ian Bridges, locally known as Mr. April in the Homestead Volunteer Firefighter Calendar, does not regret the breakup.

“I still remember when she waltzed in with her fancy heels and fast-talking attitude asking for one of those liberal, expresso-type Starbucks drinks when all we had was instant coffee. I couldn’t resist her exoticness,” Bridges said. “I imagined she’d use her executive marketing goobly guck to save my inn but ultimately give up her career to move back here and raise my child. Turns out she doesn’t even support family values, she’s just another commie in the pocket of Nancy Pelosi.”

Rue’s off-and-now-on-again fiancé Whitmore Banker may not believe in the spirit of Christmas, but he does believe in the future of his relationship.

“We’re doing great,” Banker said. “I’m surprised Vikki even went back, knowing her hometown’s COVID vaccination rates are practically nonexistent. And no, I’m not threatened by her having a four-day sexless emotional fling; we’re ethically non-monogamous. Anyway, I knew she’d be back. She’d never miss reading tarot at her Queer Socialist Dodgeball League’s Defund the Police Fundraiser.”

At press time, Rue was being chased out of Homestead by a mob carrying pitchforks and tiki lamps after she offhandedly mentioned reparations.

30-Year-Old Suffers Three-Day Hangover From Walking by the Liquor Aisle

Posted on by Taylor Roebuck

TUCSON, Ariz. — 30-year-old Joann Kim suffered a three-day hangover after walking by the liquor aisle at her local grocery store, solemn sources confirmed.

“I don’t know what I was thinking. My hangovers have been getting worse every year. When I was 21, I would drink ridiculously late into the night, crash for maybe four hours, then wake up and go to my opening shift like it was no big deal,” said Kim while pressing a cold compress to her forehead. “Three days ago, I cruised by the liquor aisle at Safeway. I didn’t even want booze, I was just looking for tonic water. I’ve been laid out on the couch ever since. McDonald’s Sprite has no effect anymore, and my Grubhub account was suspended over ‘extreme overuse.’ I don’t even have the energy to sleep. Am I dying?”

Kim’s fiance Bryan Lopez said he wishes he could help his future spouse feel better, but is “powerless” over the persistent hangover of a 30-year-old human.

“If this were a few years ago, I’d know just what to do: bring home breakfast burritos, queue up a few seasons of garbage TV, and leave several packed bowls within arm’s reach of the couch. It sets her up for a nice nap, which always helps,” said Lopez. “But this time, Jo still felt like shit even after she woke up, and that was two days ago. Breaks my heart to see her like this.”

Experts say that anyone over the age of 29 should exercise extreme caution while within proximity of any alcoholic substances.

“To my knowledge, the most severe case on record is the ‘97 Deluca incident, when a 38-year-old named Tom Deluca finished an entire pitcher by himself during a taping of Monday Night Raw. The results were nothing short of chilling, and I understand he still cannot stomach the smell of Labatt Blue to this day,” said Dr. Rhonda English, lead researcher at the Alcohol Institute. “We’re actively working on a cure for the post-30 hangover, but so far, our efforts have been unsuccessful. Our latest trial included a combination of ginseng, sleep-aids, and intravenous Pedialyte. The results were mixed.”

At press time, Kim’s hangover was back in full force after she encountered an ad for gin during a YouTube compilation.