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How To Get More Acid When the Golden Gopher Who Defends the Moon Gate Won’t Let You Speak With the Prince of Stars

So, it’s all come down to this. Right at the peak of your trip, and just on the cusp of figuring out the secret of the immortal lake Satanists, you find yourself completely out of acid. But wouldn’t you know it, that goddamn greedy gopher is in your way again!

Well, never you worry. Here is a foolproof way to get more acid from the Prince of Stars.

First things first. You’re gonna need a way to break the spell from the Golden Gopher’s hypnotic fan dance. Fortunately, it has a weakness for the tonic of the ancients. Procure the powdered bones of your enemies, and mix them with a 40 oz. of Steel Reserve. This should cause the gopher to abandon his attempts to mesmerize you and cause it to return to slumber under the apartment stairwell from whence they manifested.

Now that the Moon Gate is open to you, you must know the exact incantation to access it, or else you may exact the ire of the chum goblins from the realm of 426-B. To pass the gate, you must demand entry with thirty or forty firm knocks and extoll the sacred password, “Hey, Jeremy, you up?”

If the ritual is completed to perfection, then the Prince of Stars will accept your entry.

The Prince has many rules. First, don’t stare at his sweatpants; they contain the souls of those who dared doubt his champion, the Colossus of Taco Bell Wrappers. Also, the Beacon of Gentle Testicle Grazes is crashing there for a few days, so don’t try to flirt back with her.

Lastly, the Prince will demand payment for the acid you have sought, which can be handled in two ways. Either you may exchange the requested amount of eleven newt skins, or wield nearby the Throne of Kitchenette and make haste with the goods.

Now that you have left the moon dimension, you’re free to resume consuming that sweet acid. Which is good, because you’re sobering up and are pretty sure you just hit your drug dealer with a dining room chair and stole his LSD. Well, whatever, back to the doom portal. Huzzah!