5 Lame Dio Hand Gestures That Didn’t Catch On

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

In the annals of heavy metal singers, few stood as tall as one Ronnie James Dio. As the frontman for Heaven & Hell, Rainbow and occasionally Black Sabbath, the man had an incalculable impact on the direction of heavy metal. If you need proof of this, look no further than his popularizing of the so-called “Metal horns,” the fearsome hand gesture that indicates to all and sundry that shit is about to get fucking epic around here.

But no one strikes gold for the first time, and it’s a known fact that Dio experimented with other hand gestures throughout his career. It’s also sadly well-known that most of those gestures looked goofy as hell and embarrassed the shit out of audiences who just wanted to hear “Holy Diver” and maybe score some blow. For example:

Gesture #1: The Uncertain Thumb

First pioneered in 1982 as Dio established himself as a solo act, this weird-ass motion basically had the singer tilt his thumb back and forth to the rhythm of the music, but reportedly bassist Jimmy Bain suffered from motion sickness, and it was quickly retired.

Gesture #2: Sign of the CPA

One of the very first gestures Dio came up with, the “Sign of the CPA” was a sly reference to his time at the University of Buffalo, when he first considered becoming a Certified Public Accountant instead of following his rock n’ roll dreams. However, most audiences perceived it as Dio attempting to actually count his fingers on stage, and were bewildered and upset.

Gesture #3: Dialing the Phone

While the so-called “Telephone Rock” fad of the early 1970s has largely faded from memory, Dio’s management in early band Elf insisted that he try to capitalize on the trend with a hand movement that dramatized the motion of dialing a phone number. Archival photographs of Dio performing the gesture are known to exist, but all film footage has been lost.

Gesture #4: Cut. It. Out.

Also known as the gesture that drove apart the legendarily hard-partying duo of Dio and Dave Coulier, the Cut. It. Out. gained international popularity once the comedian desperately used it for his “Full House” audition. The two never spoke again.

Gesture #5: The Unnamed Experiment that Ended Up Breaking Three of His Fingers

Nobody really knows what Dio was going for with this one, but it did end up breaking his fingers at The Sunset Strip’s Rainbow Bar & Grill in 1985. A frantic Lemmy Kilmister ended up driving him to the hospital, where he made a full recovery. Sadly, the gesture was never performed again.

Liberals Relieved to See Biden Dehumanizing Refugees with a Little Class

Posted on by Dianne Nora

WASHINGTON — Centrist Democrats across the country expressed relief at seeing President Joe Biden dehumanize refugees with more decorum than his predecessor, sources reported.

“After all the name-calling and insults hurled around by 45, it just makes me feel so much better about the world knowing our current President will be able to deny dignity to refugees with some gosh darn class,” said April Dunkley, a member of what she refers to as ‘Team Joe.’ “The way Don the Con treated refugees and asylum-seekers was sickening. But now that Joe Biden has squandered months without taking any meaningful actions to prevent a humanitarian crisis for those fleeing persecution and violence under the Taliban, I can just picture him making that call while wearing his classic aviators, or maybe even eating an ice cream cone! It’s one thing to abandon the people whose home we’ve destabilized, but to do it without also owning a dog?! That’s not my America.”

Supporters of the President also remarked that the First Lady’s appearance was just what they imagined the partner of the man who has perpetuated much of the inhumane treatment of asylum-seekers of the previous administration to look like.

“I always hated how Melania was stuck up and cold about all the human rights abuses her husband was committing. I think it must be a new money thing,” said Terry Morley, an Iowan who caucused for Biden in the 2020 primary. “I was absolutely disgusted when she wore that jacket that said,‘I don’t really care, do u?’ to visit immigrant children in detention centers. But Jill, she’s such a class act! When she goes to visit the kids that her husband’s administration is holding in detention centers, I think she’ll wear a jacket that says, ‘I really do care, and I express that in a grammatical way, and I’m not the type of lady who’d ever pose naked!’ I guess it’d be a pretty long jacket.”

James Foster, a political data analyst, noted that the President’s core constituents have not wavered in their support of the polite, measured way he blamed Afghans for their current predicament.

“After a major address, we anticipate some bump or dip in approval ratings,” Foster explained. “But while his support is waning among independents, he scored very high marks among those polled who identify as centrist Democrats. When the President claimed that Afghans ‘did not want to leave sooner,’ those respondents described Biden as ‘presidential,’ ‘charming,’ and ‘my kind of guy.’ One even added that Biden was ‘the kind of guy you’d have a beer with, but something real nice, like a locally brewed IPA.’”

At press time, Dunkley added that she hoped Biden would make disparaging remarks about refugees from a private coach on an Amtrak train some time soon.

Opinion: Pantera Walked So Drowning Pool Could Let the Bodies Hit the Floor

Posted on by Johnny Sparkles

The first time I heard Pantera’s “Walk” I loved it. It was super catchy, and I really dug the message about respect. And they definitely earned mine when I heard the rest of “Vulgar Display of Power.” They perfected the thrash sound and helped heavy music evolve in a big way. But does it hold up today? Sure, I guess. I mean, it’s not like they’re Drowning Pool or anything. Like, Pantera is fun. Drowning Pool is a goddamn revelation.

Let’s explore some examples of how Pantera walked so Drowning Pool could let the bodies hit the… well, you know.

1. Nothing Wrong With Me – Sometimes my friends make fun of me for how much I love Drowning Pool. It’s unfortunate how insecure they get knowing they will never enjoy DP as much as me. But then I play the two bands back to back while drawing a direct line showing how “Cowboys From Hell” helped shape “Bodies” into the metal masterpiece it is. I try to tell them that Pantera still has historical value so they’ll be less defensive, but metalheads can be really oblivious sometimes.

2. Nothing Wrong With Me – I don’t think most people who judge Drowning Pool have even heard any of their other stuff. While I will cede that Pantera has a diverse catalog of heavy music, every other Drowning Pool song sounds exactly like “Bodies.” How sick is that?! Sometimes me and my fellow “Pool Boys” will listen to them for hours and not even know if we’re listening to a song on repeat or their entire discography.

3. Nothing Wrong With Me – Maybe you heard “Bodies” and just thought they were a one-hit-wonder. But Drowning Pool is so much more than that one song. Hell, they’re more than a band. Pantera was good and all, but beyond “VD of Power,” their stuff isn’t super well-known. Drowning Pool is a movement. Oh, and their second album has a hot chick on the cover. This band seriously rocks.

4. Nothing Wrong With Me – Drowning Pool deals with issues like religion, dying, and being too afraid to tell your bro you love him. Pantera talked about all that stuff but, like, 10 years before I was a teenager, so it didn’t resonate as much. Drowning Pool played it smart and released their first album when I was 14, the same week I had been grounded and was really mad at my dad. That’s just smart marketing right there.

1. Something’s Got to Give – I want to end this with a quote from one of the fellas in Drowning Pool (I don’t know their names. I’m not a loser, sorry):

“It’s not how your body hits the floor, what matters is how well you swim through the drowning.”

Namaste.

Pandemic Enters Dangerous Phase as Dave Matthews Concerts Spread

Posted on by Tony Morse

GEORGE, Wash. — Dave Matthews Band is raising alarm among epidemiologists and everyone who isn’t in a fraternity or sorority as they continue to play dates throughout the United States, pandemic-weary sources confirmed.

“It never had to be like this. So much death and despair could’ve been avoided if more people were willing to make personal sacrifices for the greater good,” lamented exhausted public health expert Dr. Helen Carter. “With the Delta variant already surging, spreading big DMB frat bro energy all over the country with an extended tour is really going to fuck us in the ear. I wish they would do virtual performances, but I guess the opportunity to sell comically overpriced tickets and merch to fans who’ve been economically unaffected by this devastating pandemic is just too lucrative to ignore.”

Statisticians argue that the recent spike in public performances of “Ants Marching” is a screeching reminder that last year’s lockdowns delivered some unintended benefits for civilization as a whole.

“Shutting things down didn’t just flatten the curve. We also experienced a sharp drop in industrial carbon emissions, a salubrious decline in automotive traffic, and a welcome reduction in antiquated doofuses stumbling around a stage pretending they know how to sing and play guitar,” observed Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight. “Even with all of this working in our favor, we still need more people to get on board with not attending Dave Matthews Band shows in 2021, or ever. Doesn’t matter how talented the supporting musicians are if the vocalist sounds like a shitfaced billy goat who found the Xanax in some suburban soccer mom’s Range Rover in between whippits and hits of helium.”

Not even overflowing pediatric hospitals could discourage one Dave superfan ready to “cut loose and chillax.”

“I so need this show,” proclaimed an excited Chad Miller. “Last year was such a downer. All those protests everywhere after Memorial Day Weekend, and why exactly? Sorry if your long weekend was a bummer, but don’t harsh my mellow, bruh. And why were all those people standing in long lines in early November? No one released tickets. I checked!”

At press time, the CDC was responding to disturbing reports of a possible second wave of Phish reunion shows.

Guy With Chatty Barber Gazes Longingly At Other Customer with Silent Barber

Posted on by John Danek

BELLEFONTE, Pa. — A customer at Quik Cuts Barber Shop cast an aching stare at a neighboring silent barber/customer pair while having his hair, and will to live, cut down by a loquacious barber, sympathetic waiting customers reported.

“I was looking forward to enjoying a nice little haircut in peace but nope, I’m stuck hearing why nine months is ‘obviously too short to develop a coronavirus vaccine,’ and the same story about the time he thinks saw Mike Tomlin at a strip club,” said Zach Bellamy, who hoped having to wear a mask would minimize barber-customer conversation. “And in the chair right next to me is a completely silent barber cutting the hair of a completely silent customer. How I crave what they share! The serenity, the tranquility, the understanding. A light tugging of the scalp with no words. Maybe next time…”

Vinnie Salvini has been cutting hair and proselytizing to unwitting customers at Quik Cuts for upwards of three decades.

“Yeah, I’m kinda the top dog around here. New customers always ask me for my schedule but unfortunately enough, I rarely see repeat clients,” explained Salvini, who has convinced himself that his customers all die or move away instead of confronting the reality that they avoid him. “Ya know, I bet they’ll all start coming back once we don’t have to wear these pussy-ass masks anymore. I’m gonna say it: Donald Trump was our fourth best president after Nixon, George W., and Millard Fillmore. People might disagree with me now, but they will see over time that I was right.”

A barber school instructor described the two schools of thought pertaining to conversation with customers.

“You either got your stoic, mute haircutters who typically communicate via minimal grunts and head nods. These guys are in-demand and often held on retainer agreements,” stated veteran barber Scott Trumbal, who has been teaching new barbers for 12 years. “Then you have your loudmouths who can’t help but offer unsolicited political opinions, half-researched scientific facts, and spoilers for shows you’ve been meaning to watch. And you can’t protest anything they say because they’re holding a sharp blade to your neck. Consider your words carefully.”

As of press time, Bellamy announced plans to open a barber shoppe staffed only with monks who have taken vows of silence. He has raised $50 million in early investing rounds.

Tool Fan Can’t Believe a Genius Like Him Is Working at Hot Topic

Posted on by Tyler Roland

BOSTON — Local 39-year-old Tool fan Mark Gibson spent his entire shift last Wednesday angry at the fact that a genius of his magnitude was working at a Hot Topic location, bemused sources confirmed.

“I should not be working here with my qualifications and intellect,” said Gibson while restocking a rack of spiked bracelets. “I can name any Tool song from any album by just listening to the first 10 seconds of the song, and I could even name it backwards. I’m the only guy in this entire mall that can see Danny Carey is a polyrhythmic genius on the drums; he definitely has that black magic shit on his side. The other guys are right on his level. Justin Chancellor is like the Jimi Hendrix of bass. Adam Jones is a subtle virtuoso like Van Gogh. Then you’ve got Maynard, who’s the modern-day Voltaire.”

Gibson’s mother, Barbara, has had her high hopes for her son dashed by his obsession with Tool.

“Mark has always been an underachiever. I can still remember the day he brought home this CD that had awful pig noises on it and then he started ranting about the Fibonacci Sequence and Carl Jung at family dinners. We figured these new interests would make him want to actually go to college, but all it amounted to was a distrust of everything around him,” said the mother of three. “I can’t stand the pretentious crap that Clive and I have to hear at the dinner table when he visits us every weekend. Last week he told us all about how Tool dedicated an album to Bill Hicks and then he tried a 15-minute stand up routine. The last thing he needs is to quit this job of his.”

Northeastern Hot Topic Franchise Overseer Raymond Locklear maintains that Hot Topic employees who listen to Tool do not lord over their coworkers.

“We hear time and time again of Hot Topic employees who are obsessed with Tool bringing down morale by declaring that they want to see the whole place flushed away,” said Locklear. “We encourage store managers to calm them down by letting them work in the back, where they can let their ‘elite’ thoughts roam, as opposed to insulting every customer on the sales floor.”

At press time, Gibson was waiting for Reddit’s r/ToolBand to load on his phone in the employee bathroom so that he could discuss the merits of the Parabol/Parabola song transition.

REPORT: Every Single Person From Local Scene Now Real Estate Agents

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

RICHMOND, Va. — An exhaustive report from the Pew Research Center on the local scene made waves Wednesday as it confirmed every single former scene member now works in real estate full time.

“I may not be spitting blood screaming at the government every night, but I’ve brought that hardcore punk mentality to my job connecting clients with beautiful, affordable living spaces in neighborhoods with great schools,” said former Tidepool frontman and current real estate agent, Larry Davis. “I’ll always fondly remember getting into fistfights during house shows, but now all I want is to fight for you and ensure your house goes for at least 10% over market valuations.”

“And I’ll tell you what, I still throw a pretty mean house… showing,” Davis said, laughing delightedly and sliding his business card across the table.

The report goes on to claim that, even though nobody in the scene does anything related to the actual writing or playing of music, the vibe is still essentially the same.

“I was worried the first couple times my regulars told me they’d love an opportunity to sit down with me and provide a thorough analysis of both my home and the markets, instead of just asking who was playing that night or whether they could smoke pot in here,” said Karen DuPont, owner of the Rotten Barrel Club. “But all the agents still keep coming in and getting drunk; but now they mostly just fight over listings in the rich neighborhoods. Then a Misfits song will come on and they’ll turn back to their drinks and quietly hum along. It’s honestly pretty depressing.”

While this shift may seem extremely unprecedented, the report corroborates experts’ belief that scene evolution is actually quite common.

“We’ve observed this phenomenon hundreds of times over the past few decades. The clearest sign there’s been a shift is when scene members stop sharing endless Facebook invites to house shows and instead send endless Facebook messages asking if you’re considering buying or selling a home this year,” said scene anthropologist Eve Girwin. “Most scenes eventually devolve as members realize they’d like to have enough money to eat something besides spam, but it doesn’t always have to be real estate. I’ve watched scenes where people convert into barbers, tattooists, or just entirely end up in jail.”

At press time, there were several follow-up reports of a truly delightful 700-square-foot condominium over on the East side near the Panera, that’s both very affordable and available now, but likely only for a limited amount of time.

Abbott Tests Positive for Justified Variant of COVID-19

Posted on by Freelancer

AUSTIN — Texas Governor Greg Abbott tested positive for the emerging Justified variant of COVID-19, according to a statement from the Governor’s office.

“The Governor is currently receiving Regeneron monoclonal antibody treatment for a case of what health officials are calling the Justified variant, a form of the virus that’s completely deserved by the person who contracts it,” Randy Barton, a spokesman for the Governor, said. “We’re not sure if he came into contact with it through his brazen disregard for the health and well-being of Texas children, his recent attempts to roll back civil rights across the state, or perhaps the large, unmasked gatherings he’s been hosting, but one thing is certain: it couldn’t have happened to a more worthy guy.”

Governor Abbott confirmed the diagnosis via phone from his mansion, where he’s reportedly isolating.

“Unlike so many Texans, who lack the means to quarantine for the safety of their families after a positive diagnosis, I’ll be holed up here in the Governor’s mansion, sucking off the good ol’ proverbial Longhorn teat, until it’s safe for me to get back out there again,” Abbott said. “And while I have contracted this so-called Justified variant, Texas voters can rest assured I’ll still be largely safe from the worst of the virus, afforded the best medical care available, and will probably only suffer mild symptoms, if any at all, due to the vaccine I’ve prohibited from being mandated.”

Estefania Ramirez, a virologist at the University of Texas at Austin, said that while the Justified variant has had some prominent cases, it’s unfortunately not as deadly as other, more common variants of COVID-19.

“Many Texans may be familiar with the Justified variant due to some of its more famous examples in the news, including some notable members of the federal government from Texas, like Kevin Brady and Kay Granger,” Ramirez said. “It’s probably best known for infecting Donald Trump last year. But most of the honest, hard-working people of Texas don’t need to worry about the Justified variant, which is considerably less lethal than one might hope. Governor Abbott’s case probably won’t result in any long-term symptoms, like an increase in decency or an embrace of empirical, fact-based knowledge, which the average Texan might experience from encountering the disease.”

At press-time, Barton confirmed that despite his recent diagnosis, Abbott hadn’t lost any of the smarm or general unpleasantness that have made him so popular in Texas politics.

Photo courtesy of World Travel & Tourism Council. 

Hormonal Acne Only Reason Woman Still Getting Carded

Posted on by Dianne Nora

FOREST PARK, Ill. — Local woman in her mid-30s Laura McMann was carded again late yesterday evening when attempting to buy alcohol after her hormonal acne led a cashier to assume she was underage, according to eyewitnesses who estimated she was “somewhere between 19 and 45 years old.”

“I was pretty confused as to what age she was, to be honest,” said Tyler Jones, a cashier at Victory Liquors. “On the one hand, she definitely still has zits, but she also looks kinda haggard, and I think I saw at least a few gray hairs. Plus, she was buying a bottle of White Zinfandel on a Monday. If she were really almost middle-aged, like her ID said, I guess I’d expect that she’d be busy with her career or kids, or even just a husband.”

McMann reported that she was flattered to be asked for her ID.

“I’ll take compliments where I can get them these days, though I’m actually really glad I’m not in my early 20s anymore,” said McMann of the assumption that adolescence was the only reason she might have a chin filled with cystic acne. “I was so insecure then, constantly worried about what other people thought of me, and really unsure of myself. I still feel all those things, but now I’m mostly too occupied worrying that I’ll be too old to have my own kids, or that I’ll never have saved enough money to retire, which is only slightly less worrisome than whether I can still pull off a crop top.”

Dermatologist Dr. Lisa Wyden recommends that women embrace acne and other skin imperfections, no matter their age.

“Human skin naturally changes as we age, like all parts of our bodies, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing,” Dr. Wyden explained. “The outer layer of skin, the epidermis, grows thinner, which may be the only part of your body doing that after about 34, so you gotta look at the bright side. And those crows feet and laugh lines that begin to appear will make it easier to cast disapproving frowns toward the men who’ll treat you as though you’re irrelevant the moment they no longer want to fuck you.”

At press time, McMann said she was thinking of uploading photos of her acne to her Bumble profile, to see if her youthful glow might attract 48-year-old men who “want kids someday.”

Gamma Variant Tweets Ominous “Big Things on Horizon. Stay Tuned!”

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SAN FRANCISCO — New COVID-19 mutation the Gamma Variant garnered attention with a cryptic tweet telling followers it had “big” plans for fall and winter, confirmed multiple sources preparing to cancel their flights home for Christmas.

“I usually don’t follow an account unless I know them personally, but I figured that a deadly mutation of a highly contagious airborne disease is worth a follow,” internet user Pat Yates said while refreshing the app in hopes of an update. “Then all of a sudden it posts just six words and I don’t even know what it could mean. Reddit is on fire right now with theories. Some say it’s a new release, others think Gamma is going to tour the Pacific northwest. I personally think it might do a collab with tuberculosis. This is basically QAnon for COVID-heads.”

The Gamma Variant’s representatives were even more cagey about the tweet.

“You’ll know when I do,” said Marguerite Pierce of Green Parker Management via email. “We ask during this time you respect Gamma’s privacy, as it needs time to create and evolve. This next release is going to be more mature and deliberate than anything you’ve experienced. What I will tell you is that it will be something you’d never expect, and if the previous year is any indicator, you will not be prepared for it.”

Some disease experts, however, feel this might all just be hyperbole.

“We have so many diseases vying for attention in this 24-hour news cycle. Gamma is just trying to stay trendy and relevant, especially now that the Delta variant released its special ‘Delta Plus’ for anyone willing to gather in tight spaces without being vaccinated or wearing a mask,” Samantha Lawson of the Rand Paul Infectious Disease Institute said. “Put up or shut up, is what I say. If this has-been virus really has new material, let’s see it! COVID hasn’t been relevant since 2020. The account is probably a Chinese bot.”

Internet sleuths were able to find a reply from Gamma variant saying “can’t wait to see you all” on a recent post by Furnace Fest.