CORNWALL, UK — Singer and pianist Tori Amos officially entered into a domestic partnership with her longtime piano bench in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family performed in the English countryside.
“I am happy if my daughter is happy, no matter what her ‘lifestyle’ may be,” Amos’s father Dr. Edison Amos quipped. “Quite frankly, I’m not that surprised to see those two finally make it kind of official. Myra Ellen had ‘special friendships’ with a few piano stools when she was younger, but nothing like this. Her mother and I just felt it was a matter of time before she felt comfortable talking about her predilection towards inanimate objects that provide a place to sit and store sheet music.”
Some fans were initially shocked when Amos announced the union, but soon agreed that Amos should be free to love who or what she pleases.
“Tori is a fiery goddess from the bowels of Pele. I literally worship the ground she walks on,” exclaimed superfan Fiona Schaeffer. “I was confused at first by Tori’s objectophilia, especially since she has such a hot husband. But then I thought, even though I am not personally attracted to piano benches, who am I to judge love between two consenting adults? Wait, can the bench consent?”
Not everyone, however, is supportive of Amos’s and the bench’s union.
“Well I think the whole thing is bullshit!” said a small keyboard Amos sometimes practices on. “Persephone just lays there and doesn’t even do anything. I don’t get what the appeal is at all. Between you and me, Tori led me on for years but ended up putting me in the friend zone. She rubs her hands all over me all day, bangs me even, gets me all worked up but claims it’s ‘just part of the job’ and that our relationship is strictly professional.”
When asked why she finally decided to tie the knot, Amos remarked that the bench was “threatening to leave” if she didn’t.