Poser Slayer Fan Gets Out Early on Good Behavior

Posted on by Ted Pillow

DETROIT — Supposed diehard Slayer fan James Denninger was released from prison this weekend much earlier than expected due to good behavior, confirmed shocked and disappointed sources.

“As a thrash metal lover, I expected prison to be totally badass,” Denninger explained after arriving home from his commuted sentence. “I planned on spending my time hitting the bench press and getting ripped, maybe slowly rising my way through the ranks of a gang. I thought a Slayer megafan like me would be welcomed with open arms, but in actuality everybody treated me like shit. It turns out all the guys in there for murder or armed robbery didn’t have a lot of respect for me after they found out I was only serving a 30-day sentence for fishing out of season.”

Denninger’s fellow inmates confirmed that they had little respect for him, despite his commendable taste in music.

“Denninger? What a punk bitch,” noted cellmate Morris Clarke. “We all thought he’d be legit because he had a massive Slayer logo carved into his arm. Hell, I’ve got an ‘Angel of Death’ tattoo myself. But man, we were totally wrong. That lame-ass poser spent the whole three weeks he was here following all of the damn rules, reading in the library, and crying himself to sleep. It was like we were dealing with a fucking Anthrax fan or something.”

Although Denninger frustrated the other inmates, prison officials were impressed with his positive attitude and exemplary behavior.

“We get quite a few metalheads here at Michigan State Penitentiary,” noted warden Harry O’Brien. “Usually, they cause a lot of trouble. You know, starting fights, writing 666 on cafeteria tables with their own blood, getting visitors to smuggle in replica viking swords. Pretty standard stuff. But Mr. Denninger was a model prisoner. I wish him the best and I hope he does well in our new, special rehabilitation program that places paroled Slayer fans in jobs at Ace Hardware stores.”

As of press time, Denninger was catching up on everything he missed out on while in prison by tending to his beloved flower garden while listening exclusively to thrash metal released in 1987.

Giant Line of Cocaine Lands Starring Role In Another Scorsese Film

Posted on by Tony Morse

BURBANK, Calif. — Hollywood is abuzz amidst reports that one of its most fabled power couples, acclaimed director Martin Scorsese and his ‘70s muse, a giant line of cocaine, will reunite for an upcoming film, paranoid sources stated on conditions of anonymity.

“I’ve been behind the eight ball lately. Late on child support, rent, and what I owe my bookie. Thank Christ Marty called me when he did,” said the struggling 27-inch-long line of glistening white powder through pressured speech and repeated sniffling. “I heard Ketamine might get this part, but please. Joe Pesci ain’t gonna tell ya ta go fuck your mother from some K-hole. I make everything more enjoyable, but Martin gets me the most credit. Thought I was a shoo-in for Best Supporting Actor with ‘Boogie Nights,’ but reviews were all Heather Graham’s roller-skates this, and Marky Mark’s huge piece that. Then Johnny Depp promises script revisions for ‘Blow,’ but after all his yeah-yeah-yeah bullshit, turns out he just wanted a scene where he snorts me off of Penelope Cruz’s tits. Degenerate fuckin’ jagoff.”

Although few were surprised to see the two rekindle their cinematic partnership, the news sparked temporary pep among film critics.

“This casting is a natural fit for Scorsese’s relentless obsession with excessive excesses,” explained film historian Leonard Maltin. “Whether he’s drenching the screen with superfluous parades of redundant violence, saturating audiences with exaggerated displays of uninhibited Catholic guilt, or putting ‘Gimme Shelter’ on the soundtrack for the tenth fucking time, nothing helps this director make his repetitive point over and over again quite like some flake.”

Fans were also ecstatic, eager to return to something familiar in an increasingly unpredictable world.

“I like Scorsese because his characters are glamorous and heroic, and the stories aren’t too deep,” explained cinephile Peter Fox. “Maybe I’m missing something, but all he’s trying to say is that Wall Street grifters, crooked casino bosses, and murderers get to do all this cool looking shit that the rest of us don’t. And doing cool shit is cool.”

According to industry insiders, Mr. Scorsese is contemplating how many more characters need to suffer horrific deaths and inglorious fates before his viewers finally get the actual fucking point already.

Juggalo Only Listens to Medical Advice from Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

THORNVILLE, Ohio — Local Juggalo Andreas “Wicked Kush” Fleming is ignoring all CDC recommendations while attending this year’s Gathering of the Juggalos and choosing to only take medical advice from leading Killer Klown physician Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya.

“The government is mad fucked, yo. You got a bunch of rich dudes that went to college for a few years trying to shank my nugbone with some poison, but I ain’t down for that shit,” said Fleming while sharing a hookah. “Juggalos live by their own set of rules, and that includes our mothafuckin’ wellness. Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya PH mothafuckin’ D — the D stands for ‘Big ass dick’ — says that true Juggalos and Juggalettes don’t have to worry about a damn thing because the Great Malenko will protect us until we get to Shangri-La.”

Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya has been treating members of the Juggalo community for years, despite not having any formal education or training in the field.

“There hasn’t been a single bitch-ass case of COVID at the Gathering because Juggalos are pumped full of of antibodies thanks to the corn sizzurp in these ice cold bottles of Faygo, bitch,” said Da Slaya from a first aid tent filled with cannabis smoke. “I’ve studied the bodies of thousands of Juggalettes, if you know what I’m saying, so I know how anatomy works. Everyone just needs to make sure they are high as mothafuckin’ fuck at all times, and that they show love to all the Juggalo family, and we will get through this bullshit. Whoop whoop, killas.”

Members of the Ohio medical community admitted they are worried that Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya’s guidance may lead to terrible consequences.

“We have already had a few of these ‘Juggalos’ come to the emergency room, but they refused to be treated unless we played ‘Twiztid’ on full blast. It was awful having to work with that noise, but it was the only way the patients would listen to us,” said Dr. Andrea Howell. “They are an interesting bunch. I treated one young man for a respiratory issue and noticed that his nipple piercing was severely infected. When I pointed out that he needs to take better care of himself, he pulled out a mini hatchet and told me to ‘shut my fucking face hole.’ I informed him that was not medically advisable.”

At press time, Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya is topping the short list of candidates for Surgeon General of Florida.

If Negging Doesn’t Work, then Why Am I So Obsessed With My Cat?

Posted on by Eli Johnson

The past decade has not been kind to the pickup artist community. Ever since PUAs entered the mainstream, the media has described our methods as “manipulative,” “toxic,” and “sad.” Specifically, the foundational technique of negging, which is the act of insulting a potential partner to undermine their self-esteem, has been called into question in both its ethics and effectiveness. Well, to that I have but one question: if negging doesn’t work, then how the hell else did my cat get me so invested in garnering her approval?

If you don’t believe that demeaning a person causes them to seek validation, you’ve clearly never been aggressively approached by a stranger in a pork pie hat who pointed out that you have split ends. Or a fluffy ball of fur purring at your feet only to hiss when you bend over to pet it. If you want proof of the power of negging, look no further than my domestic partnership with my three-year-old tabby, Demetria. You’ll see just how much of a pathetic simp I’ve become.

It all began shortly after I brought her home from the shelter. As a devout student of the pickup arts, her methods were unmistakable. She instantly grabbed my attention by peacocking on top of the dresser, knocking over a number of potted plants in the process. Then the kino-ing started as she brushed against my legs just before burying her claws into my thigh. Recently, she acts like I don’t even exist. I’ve been determined to prove my value to her ever since. It’s simple biology. Trust the science.

At this point, I’d do anything to please her. She only gets top-of-the-line wet food, and I maxed out my credit card on a three-story cat tree that she barely touches. Did any of this elicit even the slightest bit of affection from her? No! And I love it. After lining her litter box with imported Tahitian white beach sand, she peed on a pile of freshly cleaned laundry. God, she’s incredible.

Demetria has taught me so much, and I can’t wait to try out some of her techniques. I know women love cats, so mentioning that I own one would be a great move if I ever get to that part of my routine. Thanks to the PUA tips I learned from my cat, pretty soon I’ll be so good at picking up women I’ll be making her jealous!

Paleontologists Prove Gorillaz Once Used Basic Pro Tools

Posted on by Dan Rice

LONDON — A team of Paleontologists excavating an abandoned music studio uncovered what they believe to be evidence that Gorillaz at one point routinely made use of basic Pro Tools, multiple sources familiar with the dig confirmed.

“We were initially called to the scene when the owner of the building was renovating their basement and found evidence of sound proofing and three high-end microphones,” said Dr. Kim Everly, head of the team behind the recent find. “We got to work immediately and found all sorts of carvings on the bathroom walls that indicate a rudimentary culture based on having sex with moms and accusations of homosexuality. We soon realized all of the computers run Windows XP, and a lot of the loops we’re finding simply couldn’t be produced by hand alone.”

If speculation holds out, this could help scientists explain the long debated mystery of how such a primitive band was able to produce tracks as dope as “19-200” and “Clint Eastwood.”

“When we think of early Gorillaz, we tend to think of Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett swinging around in trees and throwing feces at each other with a slew of collaborators,” said musical anthropologist Ezra Dill. “Frankly, our findings turn that notion on its head completely. It seems that Gorillaz not only used Pro Tools preset functions, but also had a deep understanding of the technology that makes us wonder if there was a more evolved intelligence working behind the scenes.”

While the find marks the first time that signs of Gorillaz activity and Pro Tools were found in such close proximity, not everyone in the paleontology community was so quick to make assumptions.

“All we know for sure is that Gorillaz were in close proximity to basic Pro Tools. There is no evidence that they actually tracked or mixed any material using this technology,” insisted skeptical scientist Dr. Steven Yung. “There is still every chance that those computers were left in that studio by Daft Punk, The Chemical Brothers, or some other type of hominid, possibly Homo Habilis.”

On the heels of this discovery, scientists announced the conclusion of a 37-year study that shows Black Crowes are able to solve basic puzzles and can remember most faces as long as they haven’t been drinking.

Bisexual Unicorn? This Woman Tolerates a Man’s Presence While She Flirts With His Girlfriend

Posted on by Alice Lahoda

It’s finally happening! This woman didn’t immediately recoil when my girlfriend and I approached her at the bar because we “really liked her vibe.” In fact, she even sort of nodded in my general direction before winking at my girlfriend and saying, “Hey, I’m Alex.” in a breathy voice!

Unprecedented!

And that was just the beginning. Sonja complimented Alex’s Doc Martens, which started a full-blown conversation! I wasn’t involved in the conversation or made to feel like I should chime in at all, but I was there! This could be the night I dreamed of when I used three credit cards to purchase a $5k California King bed!

Alex asked Sonja what beer she’s drinking, giving me the perfect opportunity to jump in with, “I’ve got a Budweiser!” Yes, I am so in! I proved that I existed and they both stopped talking long enough to acknowledge this fact, so I was officially on the board.

Okay, I might have come off a little too eager, but no worries — Alex tightly smiled and responded “that’s nice, Bud” before turning back to Sonja and repeating her question. Incredible! Three-way town here I come!

They were just five minutes into the conversation and already reached the nickname stage of flirting. All I could think was “Man, I am nailing this!”

Sonja complimented Alex’s mullet, and Alex offered to give Sonja a free haircut at her salon, The Butcher Shoppe. Sonja sure knew how to keep the conversation moving. She’s a natural! It was like I didn’t even need to be there at all!

Well at this point the three of us had exchanged a lot of words, and though I personally only spoke 4 of those words, I figured it was time to seal the deal. Without even thinking about it I fired out a line that was smooth as hell:

“Hey, would you like to come home with us tonight?”

And it totally worked! Well, it would have worked, except Alex said she wasn’t free tonight. That’s kind of weird, considering she was already out at this bar, Bechdel & Broads, just hanging by the pool table before we approached her.

Did I completely misread the situation?

Whoops, never mind! Turns out Alex wasn’t rejecting us after all and she’d totally be into a threesome in the future. That must be why she put her number in Sonja’s phone and whispered “let’s hang out sometime” before leaving the bar on her Ducati. Score!

Juggalo’s Case of Whoop Whooping Cough Actually COVID

Posted on by Gabe Porter

THORNVILLE, Ohio – Disciple of the Dark Carnival Blaketon Lang, known among friends as Krazy Ryder Bitch, confused a common case of Whoop Whooping cough for COVID-19 while attending the Gathering of the Juggalos 2021, wicked sources confirmed.

“At first I was motherfucking certain that it was just a regular case whoop whooping cough, that shit spreads around every gathering like smoke from dank bud. No big deal, right? But I noticed that something was not fucking right when I could barely taste the clown’s elixir, Faygo,” Lang said while blowing his painted nose. “That shit sucked, but all and all, I don’t know why people complain about it. Though, I have been blessed with the holy communion of my two gods, Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J, so I ain’t gonna get anything life-threatening. Alright, get the fuck outta my way, I gotta get to the party.”

Some Juggalos are worried about the safety of the event and its regulations.

“Okay, like, I’m a fan of ICP and everything, but come on!” said Juggalo Rat King Money, A.K.A. Jim Hughes. “No one is wearing a mask. Well, there are a lot of people wearing masks, but they are like those masks from those sick ass Jason movies, they don’t do shit for airborne contagions my dude. And I can’t even get anywhere without getting well within six feet of others. With every ‘whoop whoop’ I can see the COVID particles flying through the air and infecting me. I thought that the Juggalos were a family, but this has proven to me that they are dangerous and are trying to get us killed.”

Juggalo doctor, Dr. Magical Goon, explained the methods for treating the several COVID cases that have appeared.

“We have a simply miraculous group of mothafuckin’ experts to help aid any hurting Juggalos,” Dr. Magical Goon said during a routine hatchet removal operation. “With the advanced medicine we got, anything from a Faygo can to the head to COVID can be cured, brother. First, we douse you in Faygo to disinfect your clothes. Usually, after that, we let you into the medicine cabinet to grab a couple of pills and some cough syrup, ok muthafucka? After that, you’re cured, bitch! It must work cause I never see a patient twice.”

At press time, Krazy Ryder Bitch also tested positive for seven different STDs and is still certain this trip was worth it.

Opinion: “Sound Guy” Is a Sexist Term. Women Can Be Needlessly Irate Control Freaks Too!

Posted on by James Knapp

I can’t believe that “sound guy” is still a socially acceptable thing to call someone. What year is this, 2004?! How can this scene even claim to be inclusive and progressive if we’re not willing to admit that women can also be horrible monsters driven mad with the smallest modicum of authority over the placement of the mic stands? Is there no justice for the sisterhood?!

But oh sure, none of you think this is important. You’re all like, “We didn’t mean to offend you,” and “Please lady, for the love of fuck, can we please just finish our sound check already.” Oh we’ll finish sound check, but first, we’re gonna check your outdated, patriarchal views!

Since you haven’t been able or willing to correct your problematic diction on your own, here’s a few suggestions to replace that belittling “sound guy” you keep using:

  • Sound human
  • Sounder
  • Auralogist
  • Noise jerk
  • Master of the PA
  • Cocaine and microphone connection
  • Sweaty automaton possessing either testicles or labia or both or neither

See! How hard was that? Those were just a few off the top of my head, but feel free to take notes. And while you’re at it maybe also take note that amps only get loaded in from the east side of the stage and loaded out from the south. I have a whole system!

I guess the biggest issue I have with this is how thoughtlessly you would apply such a term. It’s like you don’t even see me for who I really am: your worst fucking nightmare who also just happens to have powers of the uterus. It’s a dick move, you sexist pigs.

Oh my god! You didn’t tune everything in drop D did you? You did! Okay, now I’m really mad.

You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and seriously rethink all of your outdated terminology. You have until the end of your set, the entirety of which I will spend smoking a blunt behind the dumpsters. And if any of you touch the board, I will electrocute you with your own delay pedal.

Fucking Weirdo That Posts Lawn Care Tips on OnlyFans Over the Moon Right Now

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SALINA, Kan. — Local nut job and content creator specializing in lawn maintenance Jimmy Dooley is rumored to be the only person in America who supports the OnlyFans pornography ban, friends close to the amateur horticulturist confirmed.

“Taking care of a lawn is a full time job, and my expertise is a steal at $20 a month. I post at least five videos a week talking about the ideal grass length, pest control, or even how to deal with dog mess,” said Dooley, who heard about the site from his daughter. “I feel like now I’ll finally get the attention I deserve, but let me tell you something, there are a lot of perverts on that website. People subscribe, then send me angry messages about how I need to get on my John Deere and start pleasuring myself. Then they have the nerve to request chargebacks on my ‘Big Loads’ videos, which feature large loads of manure.”

Sex workers, many of whom rely on subscribers to make a living, questioned OnlyFans’ decision to ban the only profitable form of content on the platform.

“OnlyFans is making millions of dollars from porn, and now they think they can keep that gravy train going by promoting some idiot’s travel blog? I won’t be surprised when they come crawling back,” said Alyssa Andersen, who boasts being in the top 2% of OnlyFans creators. “I should have known something was going on when OnlyFans employees messaged me saying I should pivot my content to something less X-rated. One of them suggested I try making videos where I show off ‘thrift store finds’ and another recommended a video series where I show off my skin care routine. They honestly don’t realize people only use this site to see buttholes.”

CEO Tim Stokely says he is excited for more users to discover OnlyFans once it’s more family-friendly.

“Why go to Youtube and see something for free, when you could come to OnlyFans and see similar content for a fixed price per month?”asked Stokely. “We have some of the best creators in the world, and I’m sure our users that came to OnlyFans for pornography will find just as much excitement in people demonstrating the correct way to brush a horse and showing off their vintage action figures. We will certainly miss taking our 20% from all the creators who will no longer have a place on our site, but we simply can’t support that content. And I just want to remind those content creators that technically we own everything posted on this site, so don’t try posting it anywhere else.”

In the wake of the adult content ban, OnlyFans announced it would be starting its own OnlyFans account to make ends meet.

Review: Gulch “Impenetrable Cerebral Fortress”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

San Jose’s Gulch is hands down one of the most devastatingly brutal bands out now. Serving the perfect blend of catchy riffs, tasty guitar leads, powerful drums and harsh vocals that will leave you craving a Ricola after listening. Their 2020 release “Impenetrable Cerebral Fortress” is a flawless blend of hardcore and black metal influences from beginning to end and I honestly believe it is 100% responsible for why I haven’t seen my sleep paralysis demon in almost a year.

I had a feeling my apartment was haunted when it was listed on craigslist as a one bedroom for $200 a month, which is impossible to find anywhere these days. Even if they outright said the couple who lived in here before me died in a Satanic murder/suicide ritual. I didn’t have many options and who am I to judge someone else’s lifestyle? I assumed it’d be the type of situation where photos of my family started having their eyes scratched out or maybe the occasional book would fly across the room. Small stuff that’d be easy to ignore, ya know?

That definitely wasn’t the case for long. I ended up meeting my sleep paralysis demon the third night after moving in. It was the most terrifying experience of my life. I remember waking up at 3 a.m. to the sound of a banjo playing which was alarming in itself. I was going to go check the living room to see where it was coming from but I couldn’t move. I was stuck there in bed unable to get up. That’s when the door opened and I saw the long shadowy figure walk into my room. Glowing eyes the color of hell fire and a twisted face with a clearly detached bottom jaw. It would just stand above me. Plucking away on its trusty banjo for hours on end like we were on a patio in the bayou.

It was ruining my life night after night. I didn’t know what to do. I tried therapy, medications, sleeping in the living room, nothing was working. I was at the point where I was ready to accept that this was going to be the rest of my life. That was until I got this Gulch record. I remember loving it so much that I’d listen to it on repeat over and over. That was the first night in months I had gotten a full night’s rest. No banjo. No demon. I didn’t think much about it until I listened to it on repeat again the following day. Same results. No demon.

To this day, I put the record on every night before I go to bed and I wake up feeling completely recharged. I’m not completely sure what happened to the demon. I like to believe it left or that the sheer brutality of the record has it cowering in one of the shadowy corners of my home. Whatever the reason, I’m grateful.

Score: 5/5 Good nights of sleep.

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