WASHINGTON – Experts at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration recently claimed that depressed people will no longer have to make the lengthy trek to…
MILWAUKEE — Local sad sack and frequent concert attendee Jorges Henderson recently had his spirits lifted after hearing the singer of the band Stubbourne say…
LOS ANGELES — Software engineer Christina Perry pampered herself with a restorative seven-day weed and cough medicine binge to make up for her lack of…
PUEBLO, Colo. – Local downer Henry Bergen recently stopped going through the motions of pretending to wash his hands after using the bathroom, according to…
St. Patrick’s day is the day “everyone is Irish,” and that means it’s just an excuse to get shit-house wasted or maybe see a Pogues…
DALLAS — Despondent black metal bedroom musician Dale “Vaxxix” Houlihan recently came to the sudden realization that the spiritual void in his life is best…
ASHEVILLE, N.C. – Singer-songwriter Elaina Driver was booed last night after audience members were disappointed that she didn’t sound as sad and pathetic as she…
MANCHESTER, N.H. — Amateur musician Erik Mulvaney is so depressed that he frequently sits at his synthesizer and presses keys and buttons without ever powering…
PHILADELPHIA – Local man Justin Clark, who suffers from clinical depression and anxiety, inadvertently became completely shredded following months of sleeping under a weighted blanket,…
JESSUP, Md. — Depressed, despondent millennial Harry Chalke confused those around him when he unwittingly quoted Beck’s “Loser” while summarizing his current state of mental…
TOLEDO, Ohio. – Local goth office worker Todd Schmidt admitted privately that he is secretly craving a slice of the delicious Funfetti birthday cake that’s…
CHILLICOTHE, Ohio — Local mom Phyllis Marlon filed a private defamation lawsuit against her daughter, Lisa, after the fourteen-year-old returned home from a trip to…
INDIANAPOLIS — Local couple Darren Ganon and Sally Bouchard-Sanchez announced they will continue pursuing their toxic relationship in order to maintain a steady diet of…
PHILADELPHIA — Local screamo legends, Angel, played an uncharacteristically mellow and peaceful set in their first show since attending EMDR therapy, shocked members of the…
Excitement of Band Coming to Town Snuffed Out by Thought of Leaving House to See Band Coming to Town
Excitement of Band Coming to Town Snuffed Out by Thought of Leaving House to See Band Coming to Town
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — The excited feeling local punk Cassie Ringo felt when learning of a band coming to town was immediately overpowered by the…