Press "Enter" to skip to content

Opinion: I Choose To Celebrate My Irish Heritage on St. Patrick’s Day by Being Incredibly Depressed

St. Patrick’s day is the day “everyone is Irish,” and that means it’s just an excuse to get shit-house wasted or maybe see a Pogues cover band or something. But me being sober, and knowing those cover bands won’t play any Spider Stacy vocals-era Pogues songs, I choose to celebrate my ancestry by doing the second-best thing the Irish are good at: being deressed! And so can you!

You can sulk about how life has been so unfair since your cat died 8 years ago while everyone’s out doing car bombs. Or you could sit and think about how much of a disappointment to yourself you’ve become while watching Father Ted reruns. The choices are endless!

Maybe St. Paddy’s day is a family affair for you? Maybe you enjoy gathering at the table with your loved ones to eat the most visually depressing meal ever, corn beef and cabbage? Perfect! That just gives you and your Irish family the opportunity to out-depress one another! It can be a fun family bonding experience, and you get to learn a bit about each other.

Careful though, don’t open up too much or mom might start to worry.

And much like boozing it up, celebrating holidays by being depressed doesn’t have to end on St. Patrick’s day! Invited to a big Halloween shindig? Stay at home and watch a Vincent Price marathon while devouring candy in complete solitude, ignoring all attempts to get ahold of you!
Fourth of July too “fun” for your Irish tastes? Sign up for overtime and work that day! Holiday pay at your soul-crushing cesspool of anguish and depression day job instead of partying and “enjoying” things? Sign me up!

If you think about it, embracing the melancholic nature of my Irish DNA without the pain-numbing effects of alcohol might be more Irish than all the green beer on the planet! I believe that without alcohol, the stereotypical jolly ol’ leprechaun wouldn’t be singing and dancing around foolishly. He’d be laying in his little bed until 2 PM, too sad and hurt inside to give a shit about gold or much of anything at all. The true “luck of the Irish” is actually perpetual crippling bleakness!