KANSAS CITY, Mo. — The excited feeling local punk Cassie Ringo felt when learning of a band coming to town was immediately overpowered by the…
Excitement of Band Coming to Town Snuffed Out by Thought of Leaving House to See Band Coming to Town
OVERLAND PARK, Kan. — Local pasta enthusiast, Harold Roy, told the server at the Metcalf South Mall Olive Garden location to just leave the grater…
CLARKSBURG, W. Va. — Hopeless romantic Stevie Knightson recently imploded his entire social life by profusely expressing his longtime admiration for pal Irene Debcott, ashamed…
GARY, Ind. — Local jam band Welcome Back Emmett Otter increasingly wishes that someone in the audience of The Jackawolf would tell them when the…
CHANDLER, Ariz. — A local mom was seen screaming her regrets and frustrations into a decorative throw pillow that read, “Family is Forever,” reported a…
LOS ANGELES – Blink-182’s virtuoso drummer, Travis Barker, shed a singular tear upon hearing that upstart pop-punk band Girlsack released their first single “Get Sniffed”…
RUCKERSVILLE, Va. — Local man Camden Singh had his overall worldview and philosophy shattered then reformed no less than six times while using social media…
BROWNSVILLE, Texas — Six-year-old Danny Crothers is reportedly continuing to discuss his future dreams with no regard to the fact that the planet won’t even…
LANSING, Mich. — 14-year-old goth Sarah Marpa suffered a series of horrendous nightmares after watching lighthearted rom-com “The Wedding Singer” with her parents, confused family…
NEW YORK — Local depressive Naomi Roman was teetering on the brink of mental collapse Thursday morning until her suicidal thoughts were deterred after she…
Depression is brutal. Many of us try to fight it by exercising, meditating, or even going to extreme measures like eating a vegetable. But as…
CHESAPEAKE, Va. — A local dog was left anxiety-ridden and unable to finish his pile of vomit yesterday after being abandoned at home by his…
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local depressed woman Jane Lively mindlessly broke the hot dog-eating world record yesterday after consuming 76 weiners in her darkened, unkempt living…
OSLO, Norway — Local black metal frontman “Iscariot” allegedly saw nothing but his own shallow reflection in a Rorschach test administered yesterday by a psychiatrist,…
BOSTON — Local straight edger Alana Enders’ depression ostensibly reached a new low when she told the bartender at White Horse Tavern to “leave the…