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Toxic Couple Staying Together for the Unprotected Sex

INDIANAPOLIS — Local couple Darren Ganon and Sally Bouchard-Sanchez announced they will continue pursuing their toxic relationship in order to maintain a steady diet of unprotected sex, confirmed sources trying to avoid the couple entirely.

“We do have our screaming fights that usually end with some mild to severe property damage. And yeah, maybe I have had to lie about almost everything just to get by, but do you know how much work it takes to get to this place in a relationship? It’s nearly impossible to convince women that I’m allergic to latex and Sally never questioned it,” said Ganon while sending sexual texts to multiple ex-girlfriends. “We may not be great together but we’ve got something going for us. Some of my friends worry that she might set my car on fire again, but I don’t worry about that anymore because the judge said she will go to jail for six months this time.”

Bouchard-Sanchez had her own selfish and upsetting reasons for staying.

“I feel like I do all of the work. I’m always the only one who compromises, but I can also remember having to sit down with boyfriends and have ‘the talk.’ You know the one: explaining all of the diseases you have. I just can’t do that again,” said Bouchard-Sanchez, cringing as she imagined it. “Darren and I just have so much in common: Herpes, HPV, Hepatitis, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea. He’s not the perfect boyfriend, but it’s not like I can find someone with the exact same list of diseases. Not in this day and age.”

Emberly Walsh, a psychologist and relationship expert, weighed in to explain this phenomenon.

“People stay in toxic relationships for a lot of reasons: low self-esteem, intermittent reinforcement, fear of loneliness,” Walsh said, pushing a pair of blacked-rimmed glasses back into place. “This sounds somewhat unique though. I can’t say I’ve heard of this exactly… Maybe we can call this a bias towards ‘investment?’ There certainly is some low self-esteem going on. Honestly though, I know this will sound a bit unprofessional, but I think they may both just be garbage-people who deserve each other.”

At press time, Ganon was seen heading toward that Tex-Mex grill he hates so he could steal some more hot sauce packets.