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Excitement of Band Coming to Town Snuffed Out by Thought of Leaving House to See Band Coming to Town

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — The excited feeling local punk Cassie Ringo felt when learning of a band coming to town was immediately overpowered by the thought of actually having to go to the band’s show, according to sources who also never want to leave their house again.

“With so much stuff shutting down again there hasn’t been much to look forward to, so when I saw that Sheer Mag were on tour and have a date set here in April, I was beyond stoked,” explained Cassie Ringo, of the Instagram post shared to her story. “Unfortunately, in order for me to see them play I will have to make an effort to go to the show, which involves putting on clothes that are presentable in public, getting to the venue, and then standing there for hours with really loud music playing. Not to mention there will be other people there, and that seems gross. Any reasonable person would agree that this is just too much to ask.”

Fellow good intentions-havers shared Ringo’s sentiment.

“It’s not often enough that a band I like comes through where I live, but you want to know what I can count on anytime one of them does? Myself, to tell six people I know about it, then pretend I didn’t have my phone on me when they follow up asking where I’m at the night of the show,” explained 41-year-old punk Jason Peel. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ll be really glad they’re coming through and I definitely want to see them super bad. I’ll always still commit to talking about how I can’t wait to see them for two months, but will in no way be willing to actually do that, not even to catch just their set.”

Plans-canceling experts discourage feeling bad for not showing up at the last minute to just about any social obligation, especially if you “totally would have gone, but just couldn’t make it.”

“If everyone kept 100% of the plans they made, this world would be in absolute chaos. Our highway system is built with the assumption that at least 45% of people who are considering going to a thing will make up something about being behind on work and bail,” said expert social situations-avoider Hilary Lorenz-Fite. “Rather than be shamed for your choice to miss a potentially great evening so that you can stay in your sweatpants and keep watching ‘Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives’ on cable, I encourage everyone to just lean into their decision and make up some bullshit about your roommate leaving the water on or something too boring for anyone to ask much about.”

At press time, 100% of people polled regretted their decision to stay home, promising to attend the next one “for real this time.”