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Opinion: You Can Totally Just Eat Uncooked Hot Dogs

First of all, I just want to say to all my friends and family, thank you for your concern. I really appreciate it but I’m totally fine. In fact, I’ve never felt better. You can all rest assured that my physical and mental well-being are intact, and my latest post about eating uncooked hotdogs for every meal this month is not an indication otherwise. Seriously, I want to stress that it is totally 100% safe to eat uncooked hot dogs.

Before you say anything, just trust that I did my due diligence. Since getting fired last month, I’ve had a ton of time on my hands. Through a combination of online research and my own trial-and-error, I have discovered that there is little risk of food-borne illness associated with eating raw hotdogs. You can all stop worrying about me. I’m fine.

Unlike other meats such as poultry, hot dogs are pre-cooked, so you will not get sick from eating them raw, even if you’ve left the hot dogs out on the kitchen counter for several hours because you don’t have the strength to put them away. Internal strength, mind you. I have all the external strength I need, thanks to my high protein diet. So really, YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME.

To be honest, it’s frustrating that despite me explaining again and again that eating uncooked hot dogs is a-okay, my loved ones won’t stop checking in on me. My mom even asked if I need to speak with someone to help me work out “whatever it is you’re going through.” Well, although I’m not sure what exactly they’re referring to here, I will reiterate for what is hopefully the last time, that eating a pack of raw hot dogs over the sink in my darkened kitchen and then going back to sleep for another 10 hours is perfectly healthy. Because they are PRE-cooked. It says so right on the package.

Please rest assured that I am fine. You no longer need to check in on me about the hotdogs. They’re safe. I’d also appreciate it if you stopped checking in on me about all the open vodka bottles in my apartment. The alcohol kills the bacteria. I’m fine.