LOS ANGELES — Software engineer Christina Perry pampered herself with a restorative seven-day weed and cough medicine binge to make up for her lack of paid time off, reported sources from her local dispensary and CVS.
“I used all three of my vacation days earlier this year because I had to move, but I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed. So I’m going to revive myself by getting high every night without feeling guilty,” explained Perry while ripping a bowl next to a pile of dirty takeout containers. “Instead of burdening myself by enjoying hobbies or contacting friends and family after work, I zone out and watch Netflix shows about beautiful destinations I’ll never be able to travel to, surrounded by my own filth. This is self-care, OK? Slamming Nyquil to fall asleep is going to make me feel like shit tomorrow, but it’s all part of the process.”
Perry’s boyfriend Nate Stuart wondered whether going on a planned bender was an effective form of coping.
“I like getting high as much as anyone else, but I don’t think detaching from life on the couch for 10 hours a day is the life Christina dreamed of,” said Stuart while helping himself to her weed. “At first, I thought it was cute that she made herself a little nest in our living room, but now it’s day six and it just seems sad. She says being high will inspire her to spend more time on art, but she’s currently so obliterated that she forgot how blankets work. I would ask her how she’s feeling, but I have to head over to my second job.”
Elaine Harrell of Wall Street Journal discussed the economic benefits of letting employees spiral into self-destructive behaviors instead of giving them more paid time off.
“Even though an extra week of vacation would help prevent burnout, we recommend that business owners force employees to just barely scrape by. This will ensure that you keep being able to buy more houses, and that workers continue blowing money on things to numb themselves with,” said Harrell while looking at her latest gift basket of bribes from JPMorgan. “And don’t worry–those suckers won’t unionize! They can’t afford to lose their family’s health insurance. But it’s really best for everyone this way, because every time an employee feels too scared to call in sick, the nation’s GDP grows by 1%.”
At press time, Perry was also seen treating herself to racking up additional credit card debt on food delivery orders because she was admittedly “too fucked up to cook.”