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Depressed Black Metal Musician at Rock Bottom Has “Come to Satan” Moment

DALLAS — Despondent black metal bedroom musician Dale “Vaxxix” Houlihan recently came to the sudden realization that the spiritual void in his life is best filled by Satan, adversary of God, much to the chagrin of family and friends.

“Before I heard the call of Satan, I was a sad, lonely alcoholic. Nowadays, I still am but I do it for Lucifer, provider of all sin,” explained Houlihan, who had the 332nd most popular black metal EP on Bandcamp last week. “My lyrics are now focused on praise & worship of the dark lord. Ever since I began sharing the bad news of Satan in my music, my life has become much more meaningful. My cat died. I got diagnosed with gout. I’ve been banned from the nearest Guitar Center. None of this would be possible without Satan.”

Houlihan’s family members were initially optimistic about his new life path, but the reality is far less positive than expected.

“Dale is so goddamned preachy now, I can’t take it. He tried to make everyone pray to Satan before Thanksgiving dinner,” said cousin Lawrence Houlihan, who plays Jars of Clay and Switchfoot around Dale every chance he gets. “I’m not religious but normally I don’t mind when others are unless it’s getting shoved in my face. Dale has taken to standing on busy Dallas intersections and preaching the words of Satan. It’s pretty embarrassing for our whole family. You don’t wanna be related to the Satan Freak guy.”

Satan, enemy of all righteousness and purveyor of evil and pain, expressed ambivalence over his new diehard fan.

“It’s apparently impossible for me to find one cool, chill follower. They all go way overboard and start infringing on other peoples’ peace and happiness like some dang Christian,” lamented the devil between shifts of advising Jeff Bezos. “You’d think my acolytes were allergic to showers. And don’t get me started on the music. Satanists always make the worst songs imaginable. Black metal? I don’t see why we can’t get some dancey music sometimes. I’m more of a reggaeton fan myself.”

Sources confirm that Houlihan is no longer speaking to any members of his family, after they refused to attend Black Mass with him on Friday night.