Imagine if The Muppets made a metal band. And not like the type of “metal” that your brother-in-law likes. Good metal. METAL metal. And when…
Black metal band Martyrdom has issued an apology following a recent incident involving a pig’s head being thrown into a crowd. And yes, you are…
40 Harry Potter Characters Ranked by How Likely They Formed a Black Metal Band and Burned Down a Church After Graduating From Hogwarts
At first glance, the whimsical world of Harry Potter may not seem like a place that would produce fans of the early satanic Norwegian black…
Seven Different Black Metal Bands Claim Responsibility for Church Fire Caused by Faulty Wiring
FULTON, Ill. — Several fire department officials deemed a recent fire at a local Christian church to be caused by the chapel’s decades-old electrical wiring…
NEW YORK — Local weakling and black metal singer Percy “Blall” Miller of the group Assküm spent the entirety of his band’s 30-minute set attempting…
Every Deafheaven Album Ranked Worst to Best
Deafheaven appeared out of nowhere in 2011 with a solid debut LP, and then became the decade’s most exhaustively-argued-about purveyors of heavy music in 2013.…
AUSTIN, Texas — Lady Nocturne, the founder and sole member of anonymous black metal project Broken Widow, admitted her secret identity only exists to spare…
EUGENE, Ore. — Local black metal-themed book club Readers Morgul recently started their twelfth re-read of J.R.R. Tolkien’s classic “The Lord of the Rings,” sources…
Aging Metalhead Feeling Pathetic After Hearing Darkthrone’s “Summer of the Diabolical Holocaust” in the Grocery Store
ARLINGTON, Va. — Ryan Trent, a lifelong metalhead in his late 40s, is having a crisis of identity after hearing Darkthrone’s black metal scorcher “Summer…
FRENCH LICK, Ind. — Local black metal parents Suzanne and Dmitri Ubnatern are persistent in asking their 30-year-old daughter to give them grandchildren to metaphorically…
DALLAS — Despondent black metal bedroom musician Dale “Vaxxix” Houlihan recently came to the sudden realization that the spiritual void in his life is best…
HARRISBURG, Pa. — Fans of black metal stalwarts Bloodfrost became disenchanted with the supposedly Satanic quartet when it was recently discovered the band’s latest publicity…
Embarrassing: Black Metal Band Unaware They Have Death Metal Name
OSLO, Norway — Members of the black metal band Flesheating Cadaver are reportedly entirely unaware that they have accidentally chosen a death metal name, vicariously…
New Father Suspicious of Wife and Black Metal Neighbor After Baby Born With Corpse Paint
BUFFALO, N.Y. — New father Gareth Desmond began to question his wife’s fidelity after she gave birth to a baby in full corpse paint which…
Black Metal Band Photo Clearly Taken Inside Walk-In Cooler
MESA, Ariz. — Black metal band Christrot took a band promo photo in what is obviously a restaurant storage cooler in order to emulate the…