DALLAS — Despondent black metal bedroom musician Dale “Vaxxix” Houlihan recently came to the sudden realization that the spiritual void in his life is best…
HARRISBURG, Pa. — Fans of black metal stalwarts Bloodfrost became disenchanted with the supposedly Satanic quartet when it was recently discovered the band’s latest publicity…
OSLO, Norway — Members of the black metal band Flesheating Cadaver are reportedly entirely unaware that they have accidentally chosen a death metal name, vicariously…
BUFFALO, N.Y. — New father Gareth Desmond began to question his wife’s fidelity after she gave birth to a baby in full corpse paint which…
MESA, Ariz. — Black metal band Christrot took a band promo photo in what is obviously a restaurant storage cooler in order to emulate the…
Dear black metal fans, this may come as a shock to many of you but I am not a Satanist. Despite my appearance and everything…
BEIJING — Norway added another gold medal in the 2022 Winter Olympic Games when their team of Black Metal musicians dominated the Standing Around in…
TAMPA, Fla. — Norwegian black metal band Emyn Arnen were seen wandering into a JCPenney store after spotting a prominent Black Friday sign in the…
RALEIGH, N.C. — Local metalhead Damien Walsh is recovering at the Holly Hill Hospital after suffering severe nerve damage in his neck from visualizing himself…
CARVER, Mass. — Local metalhead Tyler Kearns admitted that the replica Viking sword he brought on his camping trip might look badass, but is terrible…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Progressive metal band Knight Vision announced they are accepting applications from medieval studies majors for a summer internship offering practical application of…
SASKATOON — Violence nearly erupted following an argument between a local Canadian and a visiting metalhead over the cultural origins of the denim vest, moderately…
GOTHENBURG, Sweden — Melodic death metal guitarist Jens Nyberg tried to use a Boss HM-2 pedal, infamous for its famous “chainsaw” guitar tone, to chop…
CHICAGO — Local metalhead, avid corpse paint donner and frequent leather pants wearer Zachary Petrosyan is reportedly fed up with constantly being mistaken for a…
CONSHOHOCKEN, Pa. — Local black metal band Nocturnal Defacement announced their public support yesterday for the “greater of two evils” in the upcoming presidential election,…