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Seven Different Black Metal Bands Claim Responsibility for Church Fire Caused by Faulty Wiring

FULTON, Ill. — Several fire department officials deemed a recent fire at a local Christian church to be caused by the chapel’s decades-old electrical wiring and not from the many black metal bands that are claiming responsibility, sources report.

“It’s pretty clear that Goatrïmmer is the only band in all of Illinois metal enough to actually go through with a real-life church burning,” Goatrïmmer frontman Böwël explained, adding the fact that him owning an original Bathory “Yellow Goat” pressing is one of the many things that sets him apart from the posers. “Sure, we weren’t physically in the church’s vicinity when it happened nor do we own anything incendiary that could engulf a structure in flames, but we have our ways of making it happen. Mystical, diabolical and pure evil ways. The fools in the fire department just don’t want to accept that, for some reason.”

Officer Richard Carr, an investigator with the Fulton Police Department, says their phones have been ringing off the hook with bogus claims.

“Since the tragic and unfortunate fire on Friday night, we’ve been getting calls from teenagers and grown men alike saying their bands are responsible for the fire,” Officer Carr explained. “Seems like a pretty morbid thing to brag about, but what’s even more sickening is how embarrassing these guys are. We 100% know the fire was caused by the old knob and tube wiring, but these dorks just keep fighting with each other over who is taking the blame. We’re just going to let them fight it out until they admit defeat, or until they just grow out of their black metal phases. Unfortunately, black metal fans never grow out of that phase.”

Fire Marshal Robert Almonowski noted the frequency of bands taking credit for crimes they didn’t commit.

“While church fires and black metal bands taking credit for them are probably the most prevalent, there are other bands from different genres who do the same,” Almonowski said. “Once there was a fire caused by an unattended crockpot at a police station luncheon and many anarcho punk bands said that it was caused by their molotov cocktails. It was quickly proven to be a pot of meatballs, but the punks insisted it was them. However, they were tracked down and severely beaten by the police anyway. Cops never turn down an opporutnity to assault the general public.”

At press time, Goatrïmmer was quick to claim responsibility for a large number of cross decorations at a local Hobby Lobby being placed upside down.