At first glance, the whimsical world of Harry Potter may not seem like a place that would produce fans of the early satanic Norwegian black metal scene bent on the destruction of Christianity. But there are some dark characters with disturbing worldviews in this cinematic universe – and we’re not just talking about J.K. Rowling. Here are the top 40 characters who would likely rather listen to Mayhem than that embarrassing Weird Sisters band that played the Yule Ball.
40. Cedric Diggory
Whatever the version of a right-leaning capitalist finance bro is in this world Cedric Diggory is certainly it. He’s also too dreamy and handsome to be into black metal. No way is he covering up that perfect bone structure in corpse paint and fake blood.
39. Ginny Weasley
Well, let’s see, did Harry Potter start a black metal band and burn down a church? No? Then this one-dimensional tagalong unflavored bowl of oatmeal of a character wouldn’t either.
38. Dolores Umbridge
I’m a little unclear what the magic world thinks of religion especially Christianity, but Umbridge is probably the closest thing to a self-righteous church lady. Everything about her oozes passive-aggressiveness and to be black metal you need to ooze aggressive-aggressiveness, and also jet black blood.
37. Fred and George Weasley
These two smarmy troublemakers don’t take anything seriously. They spend their time pulling pranks on school administrators and opened a store that’s basically a magical Spencer’s Gifts. If they started a band it would be a snotty pop-punk nightmare.
36. Fleur Delacour
A Frenchy French face whose name translates to “flower of the court.” I don’t really know what that means and I’m not saying she can’t be into black metal because she is French or named after a court flower but let’s be real here, the only thing she’s burning is the top of a Crème Brûlée.
35. Albus Dumbledore
He shuffles around in a bathrobe with his long beard and seems to be either unphased by anything or just totally out of it. This dude is into stoner metal, not black metal. Wouldn’t be surprised if he has a band in the multiverse with Gandolf, Merlin, and Orko from He-Man called Mountain Wizard or something.
34. Dudley Dursley
Chances seemed high for this muggle to turn into an agent for Beelzebub in his early years but then he showed up in the beginning of Order of the Phoenix wearing that shiny silver shirt like an extra from “Tokyo Drift” and it was obvious he had gotten into terrible hip hop and drops the word “bruv” in every sentence.
33. Barty Crouch Jr.
I mean he is definitely batshit enough to devote his life to Lucifer and he does that whole lizard tongue thing when he talks which would be a cool stage act thing but he spends most of his time pretending to be Mad Eye and it’s just too confusing to know who this guy actually is.
32. Susan Bones
Does anyone really remember her? She was either Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. How do I know that? Because all of the non-memorable characters came from either Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. Anyway, Susan Bones is a pretty dope name but really not black metal. Sounds more like she would be in a magic-themed Misfits cover band called The Wiz-Fits.
31. Quininus Quirrell
This guy is a weak-willed simp who does whatever the dark lord commands him to. He lets he-who-shall-not-be-named live on the back of his head and covers it up with an uncomfortable-looking turban and ends up a pile of ashes because Harry “I don’t understand anything about magic” Potter touched him. Something tells me if he were to burn down a church it would only be because some cool kids peer pressured him into it.
30. Cho Chang
Soft-spoken and a bit of an introvert with long black hair. Okay, good start. But she’s a bit of a lovelorn romantic who wears cardigan sweaters and probably Fluevogs. She is 100% shoegaze and with that Irish accent most likely a huge My Bloody Valentine fan.
29. Ron Weasley
After being the butt of the joke while living in the shadow of his popular friend Harry, Ron’s probably got a chip on his shoulder the size of a Norwegian Ridgeback. So it’s possible he could turn to the horrific soundtrack of black metal to escape his mediocre-dom. But as far as burning down a church goes, he’d probably try to use a spell and bungle it and instead conjure a bezoar or something.
28. Nymphadora Tonks
She has a takes-no-shit attitude and married a dude honestly way too old for her so I’m going to guess there are some unresolved issues with her father. She definitely has a Riot Grrl playlist but is decidedly not into black metal which, let’s be honest, can have some questionable misogynistic imagery.
27. Sybil Trelawney
What a surprise! Hippie-ass Dumbledore hires his hippie-ass friend to teach a divination class with dubious academic value. That said, when she had that premonition of Harry and Voldemort’s connection she did that cool thing with her voice which almost sounds like the guy from Cradle of Filth.
26. Newt Scamander
I’ll be honest, I don’t know who this is because I never saw any of those Fantastic Beasts movies. But just based on the way he’s dressed with his early century handsome Doctor Who vibes plus the fact his name is Newt I’m going with a hard no on this one.
25. Hermione Granger
The ultimate teacher’s pet who no doubt would remind them if they had forgotten to assign homework over the weekend. Although she may have a bit of a defiant streak in her and set fire to Snape’s robe she is too much of a rule follower to ever break the law by committing actual arson.
24. Gilderoy Lockhart
This bumbling tool with his perfect blonde hair is about as black metal as my aunt Connie. That said, after his memory charm backfires on him he’s basically a blank slate and could probably be convinced that burning down a church in Norway will help his book sales.
23. Remus Lupin
He might be a guy who would burn down a church but he also is a werewolf who forgets to take his wolfsbane potion on THE ONE NIGHT THERE IS A FULL MOON. So he’d probably miss the church burning because he forgot to put it in his iCal (or is it just called Calendar now?)
22. Hagrid
He’s a bulking bearded kind-hearted loner who loves dragons and lives alone. Even in a world filled with fantastical creatures and histrionic robe-wearing wizards, he seems like a bit of a dork. If he was into any kind of metal it would be something like Dream Theater or Blind Guardian.
21. Draco Malfoy
This spoiled little shit likes to cosplay as an evildoer but when it comes time to get his hands dirty and do the dark lord’s work he’s a sniveling coward. He seems more like a Nu-Metal aficionado anyway.
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