20. Harry Potter
The fact that he has a piece of the dark lord living inside of him is a good starting point. He seems to spend a lot of time brooding in the woods too. But this attention-stealing egomaniac would never share the spotlight with others long enough to be able to be in a band, black metal or otherwise.
19. Dobby
Sorry, we know it’s been over a decade but we’re still not over losing Dobby. Hopefully, he’s having a nice afterlife and maybe he even met up with Gollum and they’re having their own adventures together. We’re not sure what kind of band those two would start but we know that A. It would be unlistenable and B. It wouldn’t be black metal.
18. Lord Voldemort
A xenophobic old weirdo who walks around in robes wants to control what kind of people women give birth to, surrounds himself with sycophants, and is obsessed with a teenage boy. He’s not burning down any churches he’s basically the pope.
17. Luna Lovegood
A quirky weirdo (but in a good way) who had some childhood trauma with her mother dying resulting in her being able to see invisible undead horses. All sounds promising so far. She also produces her own zine and seems unphased by getting a bloody nose from a punch in the face. She’s not black metal but a hardcore kid through and through.
16. Severus Snape
He’s into the dark arts and his wardrobe has the right vibe. But he’s also a grown man who’s still pining over some normie girl he liked in high school. Also, that haircut. He’s straight-up third-wave emo. See you at When We Were Young Fest, “Half-blood Prince.”
15. Peter Pettigrew
Peter spent a number of years in disguise as a disgusting rat which is pretty cool but not really black metal, If anything, Wormtail seems like he’d be into crust punk. Sure, he does do the dark lord’s bidding but he’s got that gutter punk vibe of having a jean jacket covered in patches from Amebix, or Crass, or Subhumans, or any of those bands you never actually listen to.
14. Sorting Hat
While it would be cool to see some disembodied talking hat fronting a black metal band let’s be realistic, it would be hard to get the corpse paint to look right on it. I’d also be worried to go see his band play because he might single me out of the crowd and tell me I belong in Hufflepuff.
13. Crabbe and Goyle
Which one is Crabbe and which one is Goyle? Doesn’t really matter. They’re both real pieces of shit. Both are bullies turned wannabe death eaters. They would probably burn down a church just for the fun of it but not really because of some fealty to Norwegian ancestry.
12. Lucius Malfoy
He could surely be persuaded to be an agent of Lucifer and he’s got the right look apart from the bleach blonde hair. But he lost his house Elf because of a sock. What a total poser kook.
11. Minerva McGonagall
She’s got the whole witch thing happening and she certainly seems like she doesn’t care for bureaucratic authority figures. At the same time, she seems like a real stickler for the rules. If she found out some students were sneaking out after hours because they had been invited by the local Unitarian church for a potluck she’d incedio that muggle institution to the ground.
10. Alastor “Mad-Eye” Moody
Well, he certainly is angry about something. And he probably would be ok with corpse paint covering up that gnarly scar. But he would be too drunk all the time to be able to make it to band practice.
9. Moaning Myrtle
Okay, so she is a ghost and makes horrific shrieking noises. Certainly sounds like she has some potential. She is also kind of just mischievous and annoying but not really evil. Also not sure how she is going to burn anything down as an ethereal being.
8. Sirius Black
The dude’s last name is Black. He’s got scraggly long dark hair. He can turn into a big scary dog. Actually, not sure how black metal that last one is but it sure is neato. Unfortunately, he just doesn’t seem like a metal guy. At best he may have gone through a punk starter kit phase as a teen where he was into The Clash or The Buzzcocks.
7. Firenze
First of all, he’s a fucking centaur who lives in the dark forest woods and in general, doesn’t seem to give a shit about humanity. All points in his favor. He does seem like he might spend his time playing the flute though so at best he’d probably be in one of those woodland Agalloch-type post-black metal bands.
6. Nearly Headless Nick
This dude’s head is flopping around off his neck every which way and you can see all the exposed tissue and flesh down his neck hole. Fucking awesome! He could certainly be a model for a gorey Cannibal Corpse-type band’s album art but not really woodsy black metal.
5. Fenrir Greyback
Alright, now we’re talking. An actual werewolf unlike that poseur Sirius Black. He’s more of a mercenary though so he’s not burning down anything unless there are gold coins or dog treats involved.
4. Viktor Krum
Krum is a pretty good metal name. And he’s Romanian or Bulgarian or something which is not Norwegian but does have that same cold distant personality. He might be too much of a jock to be into black metal though. Also, points deducted for spending all that time flying around on a broom.
3. Bellatrix Lestrange
She is an absolute cackling maniac with no regard for human life and honestly, Bellatrix Lestrange would be a good black metal band name. Her hair and clothes skew a bit goth but we’ll let it slide. But we hate her for killing Dobby (spoiler alert) so no way does she get the top spot.
2. Neville Longbottom
A teased and bullied chubby little kid who grows into a tall slender teen that chops the head off a giant snake with a sword. He’s pure metal. But is he black metal? Honestly, we could go either way but we’re going to give it to him because we’ve learned not to piss off dudes with swords.
1. Argus Finch
Yes, he is not actually a wizard but a squib and didn’t attend Hogwarts. But after spending decades cleaning up after entitled private school teens and being bossed around by that hippie Dumbledore he probably has more anger and resentment for dogmatic institutions than anyone else.
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