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Man Hits “Sitting at Synth, Pressing Buttons Without Turning It On” Level of Depression

MANCHESTER, N.H. — Amateur musician Erik Mulvaney is so depressed that he frequently sits at his synthesizer and presses keys and buttons without ever powering it on, concerned loved ones reported.

“I could flip the switch to turn my synth on, but what’s even the point?” asked a dejected Mulvaney, who recently spent hours making multiple Tidal playlists he has yet to listen to. “I always thought my lack of songwriting motivation stemmed from my lack of decent gear. But nope. I finally got my dream synth; a Sequential Prophet-10. There’s just nothing inside me. So why turn it on? Why make noise? It’s all pointless anyways. The keys and switches feel nice though. Leave me alone.”

Mulvaney’s friends noticed a steady decline in his general demeanor and sense of optimism.

“I knew something was up when he finally got a Hologram Microcosm pedal, then let it sit in the box in his entryway for weeks before opening it,” recounted roommate Luke Johnson, who plays in four local bands with just a Squier Telecaster. “Back when we were teenagers, he would get so excited about any piece of gear that came his way. Hell, he would call me to talk about guitar picks for fuck’s sake. But nowadays? He just dropped $4K on a synth and doesn’t even want to hear it. I just wish I knew how to help him.”

Dr. Nikki Randall, a mental health professional, offered theories as to why creatively-minded people can experience deep bouts of depression.

“When you’re a young musician, you can blame your lack of inspiration on your shitty gear. But when you’re an adult with money? The excuse just doesn’t work anymore,” explained Randall, who specializes in art therapy. “Then, the artist is forced to look inward and must ask if they ever had true artistic inspiration to begin with. Unfortunately, the answer is usually no. But when people realize that that’s ok, they sometimes turn around. There are already too many musicians. The world doesn’t need another one!”

At press time, Mulvaney was allegedly refusing to replace a broken E string on a Martin acoustic that has been broken for weeks now.