PUEBLO, Colo. – Local downer Henry Bergen recently stopped going through the motions of pretending to wash his hands after using the bathroom, according to sources who are now extremely grossed out.
“I don’t even know why I bothered to do it in the first place, everything we do is just a waste of time until we eventually die alone,” said Bergen during a shower that lasted nearly two hours. “Normally after I pee I run the water for 30 seconds in case anyone is listening, and I’ll time it by washing and rinsing my hands in my head. But, lately, no matter how hard I try I can’t come up with a single positive thought. Nothing that will make me happy in the near or distant future. Plus I’m pretty sure all of my loved ones only put up with me because they’re too polite to tell me how worthless I am. I should just dig a hole in the woods and stop dragging everyone down.”
Bergen’s mother Cassandra Bergen-Hatch says his ailment runs in the family.
“Oh yes, the Bergen family migrums,” said Bergen-Hatch as she browsed Tinder. “Henry’s father suffered from them as well. It got so bad that Larry wouldn’t even wash the dishes between meals. He’d just plop his food onto crusty plates and shovel it down with his bare hands. He only owned one pair of socks the whole time we were together too. Larry left us when Henry was just a boy, so Henry didn’t get too much advice from his dad. But whenever Henry spirals into a vicious self-loathing depression that lasts for weeks on end, I know that father and son are closer than ever.”
Mental health and depression expert Alejandro Fulmer isn’t surprised by Bergen’s behavior.
“Even men with great mental health are fucking disgusting,” relayed Fulmer while picking his teeth with a still-attached hang nail. “They struggle with rudimentary grooming habits on a good day, and as soon as something challenges their fragile little world it all falls apart. Why do you think so many guys have beards? It’s a great way to get compliments for doing literally nothing, which in many ways makes it the ideal male activity.”
At press time, Bergen admitted he had also given up on wiping after bowel movements.