4 Alice in Chains Songs You Definitely Know but Have No Idea What They’re Called

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Just because you can’t name one single Alice in Chains song despite definitely recognizing many of them doesn’t mean you aren’t a fan. In fact, it actually means you’re a real fan. It’s true, sometimes being a fan of this band means never fully remembering the specific track names. It’s all part of the AiC experience.

That’s why we’ve compiled a list of some of their songs that you for sure know, but can’t for the life of you recall the names of.

Man in the Box – You absolutely know this one. It’s the one where they say the title of the song right there in the first line. This is kind of a hacky move on their part, since all of us esteemed music historians know that a song title always goes in the chorus. The album title, on the other hand, goes in a random-ass bridge towards the end of the record.

Would? – One of the reasons it’s so hard to remember the names of these tracks is because they have such forgettable titles. But not every song name can be as snappy as “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” “Black Hole Sun,” or one of the ones from Pearl Jam that we can’t remember right now.

Them Bones – If you’ve ever found yourself watching Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie (1994) like we frequently do, you might have noticed this Chains banger in between all the Hadoukens. You also may have noticed that you don’t ever want to Google the tracklist for this original motion picture soundtrack to verify the song title in the off-chance you forget to clear the cache and your girlfriend stumbles upon your browser history.

Oh, I Know This One – This is the unofficial title for a majority of Alice In Chains songs. You’ll randomly hear it on the radio during ’90s week, during grunge night at the bar, or when your older brother wants to teach you about a time when “music was just better.” Either way, every single version of this song absolutely rules.

Metal Historians Debate Over Who Built Pyramid of Coors Light Cans

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — Heavy Metal Archaeologists remain locked in fierce debate over who erected a pyramid of Coors Light cans that was recently excavated from a local basement apartment, scholars close to the story reported.

“I believe that this pyramid was built by a single thrash metal band that called themselves Graves of Hathor over the course of a single night,” said Maurice Salazar, amateur metal historian and lead mechanic at J & D Auto. “Some of my colleagues speculate that it may have been built by an invading Death Metal band from the Baltics that was on tour in the area at the time. But one would expect to find evidence like clove cigarette butts and crude face paint smudges on the walls, and this pyramid couldn’t have been built during the span of one tour stop. They just didn’t have the technology to pull that off at the time of construction.”

While most scientists debate which human band built the pyramid, other fringe researchers think otherworldly forces may have been at work.

“There is no way a single band, not even a prog-metal band with eight members, could have drunk one hundred and eight beers in a single night. I firmly believe that the band was visited by an advanced, beer swilling race of extraterrestrials that helped design and construct this gigantic structure,” said Gretchen Beck, author of the book “Headbangin’ Aliens: How Intergalactic Space Travel Influenced Metal.” “In the Grave of Hathor song ‘Knights of Satan’ they claim that a demonic beast built the tower as a final resting place. Perhaps this Satan, as they call him, is actually an alien force that four drunk metalheads just couldn’t comprehend.”

Metal historian Blanche Morgan is trying her best to bring the arguing factions together and appreciate the miracle for what it is.

“Textbooks like ‘Lords of Chaos’ and ‘Sound of the Beast’ make us think that we know the history of metal, but there is so much up for debate,” said Morgan. “For decades we assumed Dio invented the devil horns hand gesture, but photos recently found in a cave in Finland show it could date back as far as the 1940s. I personally don’t think it’s important who built this pyramid, just that this ninth wonder of the world exists at all; the eighth being King Diamond’s voice, obviously.”

As of press time, the teams of researchers paused further exploration after finding an ashtray filled with half-smoked cigarettes.

Man Watching “Pink Flamingos” Beginning to Think He’s Not Going to Learn About Birds

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

PHILADELPHIA — Local birdwatcher and ornithology enthusiast Sam Greer watched approximately half of the classic 1970s John Waters film “Pink Flamingos” before reaching the conclusion that the movie was, in fact, not about birds, grossed out sources confirmed.

“The title is a bit misleading, but I guess this one is on me for not doing a bit of research before turning the movie on,” remarked a dejected Greer. “Not to say it was a bad movie. It’s just that I had my heart set on watching a bird documentary and had invited some fellow birders over to watch this one. It certainly was out there and kind of disgusting at some points, but I’ve got a strong stomach for these sorts of things. There were some laugh out loud moments, but after a scene at a birthday party I care not to repeat, someone suggested we see what was on Netflix.”

Guest reactions to the evening’s course of events were mixed, ranging from indignant to “what can you do?”

“If you’re going to call a movie ‘Pink Flamingos’ then it had damn well better be about Phoenicopterus Roseus,” stated guest Peter Chambers. “Perhaps Sam meant this as a joke, but I certainly wasn’t laughing. The only thing close to bird related content was the old lady in the crib obsessed with eggs, but that just left me feeling uneasy. Someone needs to account for this heinous error. As such, I intend to speak with the counsel regarding Sam’s membership in the Chestnut Hill Birding Society.”

Director John Waters dismissed the incident by stating “mistakes will happen.”

“Well, I’m always happy when someone checks out my movies, but they’re definitely not for everyone,” said the Baltimore-based filmmaker. “You need to be in the right mindset before watching one of my films or they could come off as a bit disturbing, I suppose. And as a birdwatcher myself, I could see how someone may dislike a sex scene in which a chicken is crushed to death. I would suggest instead they check out ‘Winged Migration’ or ‘The Crimson Wing,’ which is about pink flamingos, by the way.”

At press time, Greer had begun preparing for a trip to Belgrade by starting to watch and then quickly turning off “A Serbian Film.”

Unvaccinated Couple Throw Massive Variant Reveal Party

Posted on by Khadija Hassan

MINNEAPOLIS — Unvaccinated couple Chris and Hannah Davidson excitedly shared the results of their latest COVID tests at a massive variant reveal party with family and friends.

“I haven’t seen any Pinterest boards for variant reveal parties, so it’s really exciting to be the first to set the tone. These are unprecedented times online, and this is our way of giving back to society in a time that seems so divided,” said co-party planner Hannah Davidson. “At the end of the day, the most important thing is that we can share the big news with our family and friends. We can’t wait to see the looks on their faces! We’re letting people guess the variant before the party, and whoever guesses correctly gets a gift basket. Isn’t that fun?”

The couple prides themselves on their ability to detach from fake news and instead channel energy into keeping their circle close.

“It just didn’t feel right not to have all of our family and friends there for the big news, especially since we’d been unmasked with them from the very beginning. In times like this when we’re being told to stay six feet apart, my wife and I have done our job of staying as close as possible to family and friends,” said co-party planner Chris Davidson. “Honestly, some of our guests are almost tired of us throwing gatherings throughout the year, but if we don’t, then who will? Definitely not any of our neighbors, who stopped letting their kids anywhere near us months ago.”

Some family members don’t share in the same level of excitement as the couple.

“I don’t know what to say. I’m definitely not going to a super spreader event masked, pun intended, as a casual party,” said Hannah’s niece, Paula Daniels. “I didn’t go to the family reunion, fourth of July, or bi-monthly homemade beer garden, but this seems like casual murder. Plus, their snacks are sub par. You’re not going to take me out and only offer bread as your vegetarian option. Ew, no.”

At press time, the unvaccinated couple were on ventilators and deciding whether or not to add those to the party theme.

Opinion: It Has a Collar, Which Means My Mighty Mighty Bosstones Bowling Shirt Counts as Business Casual

Posted on by James Knapp

Some truths feel so obvious it almost seems absurd to think you’d ever have to explain them, let alone defend them in an official statement to the head of HR. Well, since my direct supervisors still refuse to accept the reality that’s right in front of them, allow me to definitively state this irrefutable fact: my Mighty Mighty Bosstones bowling shirt, in addition to being totally kickass, is also appropriate office attire.

This shouldn’t have ever been brought up for debate. It has a collar and buttons and even those little fucking cuffs around the sleeves and shit, which makes it business casual. Now, Mr. Manager, you’re trying to tell me that just because of the shirt’s insultingly neon colors and Comic Sans-ian font that it’s some sort of “unprofessional monstrosity.” Well I don’t recall reading anything about that in the employee handbook.

I hate the double standard that’s being put in place here. Everybody else gets to wear whatever fucking oxfords or polos they want, but just because my attire is repping ska-punk bad boys MMB, somehow that makes me the asshole. You gotta be kidding me!

It’s not like I don’t understand what’s really going on here. You’re jealous! You only wish you could pick it up pick it up and skank your cares away like me. Hell I bet you can’t even bowl a 140 average you dolled-up gutterballer. Maybe if you loosened up on your arbitrary wardrobe restrictions you’d be able to pick up the spare!

Okay, sorry for getting heated there for a second. Obviously we’re all a little too close to this issue.

I’ll just say that the needless judgment has to stop. But I’m willing to make a compromise. If my Mighty Mighty Bosstones shirt can be considered normal business attire just like any of the boring office shirts everyone else chooses to wear, then I’ll drop my whole position on bondage trousers not technically breaking the full-length pants rule for casual Fridays. Deal?

Diverse Scene Welcomes Second White Woman

Posted on by Krissy Howard

WHITEFISH, Mont. — An inclusive punk scene was applauded for acts of bravery late yesterday evening after members openly welcomed a second white woman to stand among their entirely white graces, touched sources reported.

“We know that punk can be seen as a bit of a boy’s club, but we’re not like those other guys who might gatekeep or prevent anyone looking for or needing a sense of community from finding it,” said DIY space organizer, show promoter, and frontman for three different bands, Russ Callaghan. “We want everyone to know that our scene is made up of a diverse group of men and women, which we can say now that there’s two of them.”

The woman in question, Casey Sapp, said she was honored to be included among her peers.

“I see this as a huge responsibility, and an opportunity to offer a different perspective to the scene,” she said of the 12 men and one woman who share the same race, socioeconomic background, and sexual identity as her. “I know I owe this to the woman who came before me, who made a huge stride in the area of standing in a room to listen to a band. Hopefully, I’ll be able to inspire those younger than me who are just coming up to not be afraid to take up space here, even if she is a woman, and especially if she is also white.”

Not everyone informed of the news was supportive of the shift in scene representation.

“I’m all for inclusivity, but seriously, I think this is just going way too far,” said scene veteran and “good dude” Elijah Hayes. “Of course we welcome all sorts of different kinds of people, that’s why we have Christine. But if we start just opening the doors to every single person who wants in, we’re gonna end up with what, three white women? Where does it end? It’s just not fair to the rest of us. We worked hard to get here. And if you don’t believe me, you can ask our moms; they drove us.”

“I feel like I don’t even recognize my own scene anymore,” he added.

At press time, every single member of the local scene was seen applying for diversity scholarships to various liberal arts colleges.

Review: Dirty Three “Ocean Songs”

Posted on by Dom Turek

Released in 1998, “Ocean Songs” is the fourth major album from the Australian rock trio, Dirty Three. Warren Ellis, Mick Turner, and Jim White transformed the landscape of instrumental post-rock by creating an intensely atmospheric album that tells a story of loneliness, redemption, and more loneliness.

“Ocean Songs” is the fourth and arguably most controversial album from the Australian rock band, Dirty Three. With its methodically slow pace and reflective violin interludes, this instrumental album raises the question, how ambient is too ambient? I answer this question and others from my hospital bed at the Mount Sinai ICU following an unforeseeable but entirely preventable car accident.

In 2015, my friends and family tried to stop me from buying a Hyundai Elantra after reading they had low power steering and that the airbags would sometimes explode on impact, which only made me want it more to prove them wrong and show them that low power steering is only a problem for men with no upper body strength. Fast-forward to summer 2021, I’m riding down the Atlantic coast in my Hyundai revisiting “Ocean Songs” for an upcoming music review when everything goes black.

The last thing I remember before crashing into the telephone pole is how smoothly the songs ebbed and flowed into each other, like lapping waves, making it impossible to tell when one song ended and another began. I felt myself growing tired and thought about pulling over, but I was completely hypnotized by this nautical lullaby made for sad adults. I found myself slipping in and out of consciousness until I finally gave myself over to sleep.

I lost two pints of blood that night, and thanks to the exploding airbags, most of my teeth, but the paramedics at the scene couldn’t get enough of “Oceans Songs” which was still playing from the aux cord of my totaled Hyundai Elantra. They said they’d never removed shattered glass from someone’s skull to such a “dreamy” and “darkly poetic” soundtrack. Though my memories of the night are spotty, I vaguely recall having my left shoulder relocated to “Sea Above, Sky Below” and thinking, “That Warren Ellis can really command a violin.”

I won’t know my exact recovery time or medical costs until I talk to the orthopedic specialist on call, but you can’t put a price on a good nap. Very few albums can create an atmosphere that lulls you to sleep while going 80mph, but that’s what good music does. It transports you to another time or place, and if it’s really good, maybe even the ICU.

Score: 6/6 skull fractures

/**/

Child Tax Credit Barely Fills in Half Sleeve

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

Jacksonville, Fla. — Local part-time dad Deryk Hoyt was disappointed by how far from completion his half-sleeve was after spending his Child Tax Credit at the local tattoo shop, sources that wouldn’t expect anything different from him confirmed.

“I dunno, it just doesn’t seem like this money from the government really goes too far for the average guy. They’re bailing out all of the banks and shareholders, but the shading and coloring has to wait until we get another stimulus or something,” said Hoyt. “I mean, I’m only technically considered ‘Dad’ every other weekend, so I was thinking of using the next installment to finish up this side, and maybe put a deposit down on this wolf design I wanted to get started on my other arm. If anything’s left over, I’ll probably get my son Aiden a new Tamagotchi or whatever it is kids are into these days.”

Tattoo artist Cedric Adler said he thinks Hoyt should be spending the money on his family, but can’t complain about the revenue he’s seeing thanks to the Child Tax Credit.

“The shop has been doing great lately, and I owe it to guys like Deryk,” he said. “The second they get some extra cash, they come running into the shop like they just won tickets to the Wonka factory. Look, it’s a free world, and I’m not going to tell anybody how to parent. Should he be getting caught up on his utilities and car payments? Absolutely. But if I throw down a binder full of designs and he starts throwing cash around, I’m not gonna stop him. My kid has to eat too, and I want a Playstation 5.”

Resident punk rock economist Roger “Bones” Skully weighed in on Hoyt’s spending, saying he believes that family should come first with regard to the money.

“Instead of spending the next $300 on himself, maybe it’s time to get his kid some new clothes,” said Skully. “Get him some Dickies, a good pair of New Balance sneakers, and a chain wallet to tie it all together. Just because you have to occasionally be a provider, doesn’t mean you can’t do it with some style. Or hell, you can get a lot of Celeste Pizzas for a hundred bucks.”

At press time, Hoyt was visibly disappointed after cracking open his son’s piggy bank and finding less than $8 and a few replacement buttons.

Trapt Plays First Show in Front of Audience in Four Years

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

DAVENPORT, Iowa — Members of controversial nu metal outfit Trapt were reportedly overjoyed to play their first show in front of an audience in four years, underwhelmed sources have confirmed.

“This is incredible. We’re so excited to be able to get back to doing what we love the most: playing shows in front of paying audiences,” said Trapt vocalist Chris Taylor Brown shortly after arriving at The Walk-In, a recently re-opened venue. “These uncertain times have been so stressful. A lot of haters online say Trapt is just a ‘decades-old one hit wonder’ and a band that has ‘literal human shit personified as a frontman.’ Well, look at us now. The house is packed, and I’m pretty sure most of these people knew we were playing. I have a feeling 2021 is going to be a pretty good year for Trapt.”

Many in attendance at The Walk-In were thrilled for the Trapt show, or any show at all, really.

“This is so awesome to be out again,” said attendee Floyd Wagner. “I’ve been anxiously awaiting this day for so long, I can’t believe it’s finally here. I’d be lying if I said I pictured it being a Trapt show, but you know, nothing is ever like you dream it’s going to be. The best part about this is, despite the venue being able to sell shows out to full capacity again, the turnout tonight makes it pretty easy to maintain social distancing. So, silver lining to the whole Trapt thing, I guess. Maybe the opening bands will be alright at least.”

While concerts, sporting events, and other large gatherings have started to resume all over the country, many at the CDC are pleading with the public to be careful when joining large gatherings.

“Look, we’re still not sure what exposure to Trapt at this level could do to people,” said Monica Kinney, a public health advisor for the CDC. “We’ve got some field reports from their last festival appearance that says an alarming number of people that saw them play in 2017 lost their taste in music, and a disturbingly large number of them started spouting off some pretty heinous opinions on communicable diseases and the age of consent.”

As of press time, Trapt opened their set with ‘Headstrong,’ their lone hit from 2002, prompting a majority of the crowd to leave immediately following its conclusion.

How to Break up With a Son

Posted on by Dan Rice

Breaking up with someone is always difficult, but at least when you’re ending a romantic relationship there is a template to follow. Chances are it’s not your first time, and even if it is, we’ve watched breakups in film and television our entire lives. It can be much more challenging to end a different sort of interpersonal relationship. Say, a friendship that’s become toxic. Oh, but you’ve already read an article on how to do that? Okay fucker, let’s take the training wheels off: Here’s how you breakup with a goddamn son.

Dumping someone as a son can be awkward and difficult to navigate. Here is a step-by-step guide on identifying if, when, and how to break it off with a dud kid.

Ask yourself, “Does this person make me feel good, or do they make me feel drained?”
If you’ve even read this far, chances are pretty good that the bundle stopped bringing you joy a long time ago.

Have you given things a fair chance to work out?
According to child psychologist Dr. Vivian A. Platt, even the shittiest 9-year-old boy could start turning things around any day, but by 11 you can “pretty much tell which way the wind is blowing.” There is a reason for the old saying “a decade and one, I’m so fucking done.”

Look at him.
Just look at him! That smarmy, lazy, good for nothing prick! Sitting on the couch, YOUR couch, with his video games all day, asking you for shit he could just get up and get for himself like his leg’s don’t work, who the fuck does he think he is?! This is YOUR house!

Choose a public setting
When breaking up with a son, or really any of your offspring, there is a good chance for hostility on both sides. Dr. Platt suggests that having “the talk” in a busy coffee shop or dinner will help keep both parties in check.

Be direct
There is no room for non-committal language when severing ties with one of your own children. Platt advises that you avoid saying things like, “I don’t know if this is working out” or, “I/We think this is a good idea.” Look that little fucker right in the eye and tell him point blank, “It’s over.”

Thank them
There must have been a time when he was like 4 and pronounced a common word wrong and it made everyone laugh or something, talk about that or whatever. “Remember, you were both huge parts of each other’s lives and you have both shared a journey together,” says Platt. “It is important to honor that.”

Be firm
Don’t get too sappy going down memory lane. Stay on message. Remind your former child that once you leave the table, it is illegal for them to ever speak to you again. Inform them that if they wish to arrange a pickup of their things they can do so through an intermediary, but that you paid for everything they own, which means they don’t own anything, so really there is no point.

There, you are now armed with enough pop-psychology bullshit to make the biggest decision of your life so far. Remember to say “self care” a lot going forward, and if you experience any doubts, try imagining buzzwords jumping over a fence until you’re able to take a little nap.