If Your Band Sucks, You Have To Tell Me or It’s Entrapment

Posted on by Jake Menez

Hey, thanks for agreeing to meet with me in this shadowy parking garage. Okay, so before I can buy a ticket to your show, I have to ask you something. If we’re going to make this exchange, I need to know… does your band suck? And you legally have to tell me if you do, otherwise, it’s entrapment. I know my rights as a showgoer.

I ask because by the way you were talking about it, I’d expect the show to sell out and there’d be a line around the block. However, you seem to be holding an unopened envelope with at least 100 tickets in there. I’m starting to suspect you might be in a shitty band. That’s cool and all, but if you don’t tell me before I buy this ticket, I am free to leave during your first song and no resentment you feel can legally be attributed to me.

Seriously, if your band blows chunks and you don’t tell me before your set starts, I’m gonna lose my shit. If you just tell me you guys suck right now, we can save all this hassle and you can play your ska-trap songs while I sit at home smoking a bowl, watching “Rush Hour 4: Rush Hourer.”

Because, see, you told me this was gonna “kick ass.” Those were your exact words. If you guys suck, now’s your chance to walk that back. Even if you guys suck now but it’s clear that you’re gonna be good in a few years, tell me so I can at least get a couple shots in me before your trombone/keytar player does a solo with either.

I know I said I’d really dug your guys’ EP on Soundcloud but I was just trying to be supportive. What I meant was that I dug the idea of you having a band, as long as it didn’t impact me in any way at all.

You won’t tell me? Fine. Whatever. I’ll go, but you owe me big time. My improv group is a fucking dumpster fire and we have a show coming up next weekend so tit for tat. And in case it’s not clear, we fucking suck.

Basement Rehearsal Space Sprouts Enough Fuzzy Mold for Decent Sound Proofing

Posted on by Tom K

MEDFORD, Mass. — The basement practice space at 234 Syrup Street is reportedly overrun by enough Aspergillus fumigatus to dampen sound, thanks to leaky water pipes and declining landlord involvement in basic property maintenance, wheezing sources confirmed.

“When we first realized fungus was burgeoning, there were two options: do literally anything to stop it, or let nature run its course and see what the hell happens. We love it, the louder we play the thicker the mold gets, and nobody has called in a noise complaint in weeks,” said Acrid Distance vocalist and house resident Dani “Lady Bug” De Souza. “Big foam has made soundproofing expensive and unnatural, but this mold is free, organic, and multiplying at an alarming pace. My uncle is a pulmonologist and told me that playing in that basement is basically suicide, but I don’t think he understands that we not only have a great practice space, but with a little work and a decent rainy season we could have a high-end recording studio in our home.”

The property owner, Hamen McManus, was happy to hear the tenants were benefitting from the dangerous fungus in the basement.

“Look, I own like three properties, plus I have my own landscaping business. I can’t be everywhere at once. Also, the mold addendum they signed in the lease will hold up in court,” said McManus. “That being said, I wish all my tenants were so tolerant. I have an apartment in Methuen and the tenants keep telling me a family of raccoons is living in their couch. These same people complain I won’t let them have a cat. Seems like a double standard to me.”

A new genre of low-fi music called “low-qual” has started to develop in mold filled basements thanks to landlords across the country becoming more negligent with their properties.

“Moldy walls are just the start. To get that truly authentic sound, you’re gonna want soundwaves bouncing off the broken washing machine in the corner, maybe a festering bottle of Faygo teetering close to a mic,” said Garret Sutton, low-qual pioneer and constantly tired recording engineer. “And you definitely want an extra snare sitting around that rattles throughout everything. That will add character to any recording.”

Residents of 234 Syrup Street were excited to add a new layer of soundproofing after the water heater randomly exploded, adding three inches of standing water to the basement floor.

Weird Transparent Angel Lady from “In Utero” Cover Also Announces Lawsuit

Posted on by Contributor

LOS ANGELES — A Weird Transparent Angel Lady, best known for her work as the cover model on Nirvana’s final studio album “In Utero,” is also suing members of the band and the Nirvana estate for damages following similar claims by the subject of the band’s ‘Nevermind’ album cover, court records confirm.

“It’s frustrating to think about how many people have seen my womb and mammary glands, those are intimate details I don’t want to share with the world. I had initially taken plenty of photos fully clothed, but they only used the nude photo and I never signed a release,” said Weird Transparent Angel Lady from her home nestled beneath a waterfall. “Anytime I’m out in public people stare at me, they want me to strip naked and recreate the photo for them. Most of them have children, and that’s just weird. The only time people didn’t bother me is when I would visit the Bodies exhibit and stand perfectly still.”

Weird Transparent Angel Lady’s attorney Jillia Ramirez filed a motion with the U.S. Central Court of California earlier today to seek compensation.

“This album cover is one of the most sexually explicit photos to ever be published, and my client has been forced to hide it from her multiple weird transparent cherub children. Nirvana produced this provocative photo for the sole purpose of selling more records, for which she was compensated a mere couple hundred dollars, and it is no coincidence that the album contains the song ‘Rape Me’ while the cover shows a woman-like creature who is beyond nude,” said Ramirez. “My client continues to suffer personal injury and emotional distress knowing that any Tom, Dick, or Sally could do a quick Google search and see a graphic photo of her intestines and circulatory system.”

Critics were quick to point out that Weird Transparent Angel Lady has used the notoriety gained from the cover to her advantage.

“This feels like another cash grab to me. On the 25th anniversary of the ‘In Utero’ release, the Weird Transparent Angel Lady recreated the album art for NPR and there weren’t any issues. I don’t know why she’s suddenly so upset,” said music journalist Misty Garrison. “I know there have been multiple instances where she tried to reach out to Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic on a friendly level and never got a reply. I hate to be a cynic, but I bet this could be solved with a couple of backstage passes to a Foo Fighters concert and a few autographed photos.”

Citing stress caused by Nirvana cover art lawsuits, the skeleton/zombie and devil cat thing from the “Incesticide” cover announced they would be separating.

Grieving Keith Richards Wonders Who Will Back Him on Drums for the Next 40 Years

Posted on by Brad Skafish

LONDON — In the wake of legendary Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts’ death at 80, Keith Richards is grieving his close friend, while also being forced to reconsider long-term career plans.

“Nobody saw this coming, mate. For a guy like Charlie to be cut down in his prime at the age of 80, it just seems so unfair,” said the evidently invincible guitarist while chain-smoking unfiltered cigarettes and eating a giant cut of heavily salted steak. “I know I may only have five or six decades left, so I’ve got to take advantage of that time. I’ve got big plans for the ‘Exile on Main Street 70th Anniversary Tour’ coming up in 2042, but without Charlie there to lay it down…I just don’t know. There is a good chance the only drummer that can fill Charlie’s shoes hasn’t even been born yet, but we will be ready for when that person arrives.”

Stones fan and historian, Amy McDonald, attributes much of the band’s success to Watts’ signature jazz-influenced drumming style.

“You really needed to see Charlie play live to appreciate what he did, and I always planned on doing just that. Unfortunately, I put it off for the last 50 years or so because I always figured I had time,” lamented McDonald. “I just never thought something like ‘natural causes’ could take out a member of the Stones. I figured they would go on for another 70 years as long as all of them avoided swimming pools. But I’m not taking things for granted anymore, I’ve invested most of my life savings in crypto in hopes of hitting it big so I can afford to have Keith play ‘Amazing Grace’ at my funeral.”

Legendary musicians across the globe paid tribute to Watts and sent condolences to the surviving band members.

“I really feel for Keith, I do,” stressed former Beatles drummer, Sir Ringo Starr. “Charlie was a wonderful guy and a fabulous drummer. But Keith keeps calling, asking me to do him a solid, and I simply can’t commit to sitting in with the Stones on a stadium tour in 2035. I’ll be 95 bloody years old by then. Peace and love!”

Sources close to the situation report that Richards has been asking the family to hold off on cremating Watts until he can find a proper coke hookup.

Man’s Self-Care Routine Absolutely Disgusting

Posted on by Ian Yamamoto

LOS ANGELES — Local man Hugh Bellamy’s self care practice was revealed to be one of the more disgusting things ever heard of in recent history, according to sources who wish they could unsee the mental image formed by the news.

“I live a stressful life. I work two full-time jobs, my parents require financial support, and my dog just died,” Bellamy stated. “I’ve needed to practice self-care for years now, so I don’t get the same hit from scented candles like I used to. Fortunately, I’ve been able to unwind and meet my mental, physical, and emotional needs on my own so that I can continue to show up for my personal responsibilities by engaging in a number of activities that I’ve been told I cannot say out loud without offering several trigger warnings and obtaining written consent from any parties who may hear of them.”

Bellamy’s roommate Charlie Wong said Bellamy “is a freak.”

“When most guys talk about self-care, they giggle a little bit, because they just mean masturbation. ‘I practice self-care twice a day, once when I wake up, and once right before bed.’ I wish Hugh was just a chronic masturbator; at least then the sounds that come from his room would make more sense,” Wong said while shuddering and looking off into the distance. “He plays Willy Wonka’s tunnel monologue on loop for hours. One time his door was cracked open and I saw a bunch of balloon animals like you get at the carnival, but they didn’t look like any animals I’ve seen before. The air outside his room looks wavy, like when it’s really hot out, and it always smells sour. He always pays his rent on time though, so I guess he’s the best roommate I’ve ever had.”

Local therapist and breathworking coach Kate Langley said that self-care can take different forms for different people, depending on their needs and preferences.

“There’s no set routine that meets everyone’s mental and spiritual needs. People have to discover what works for them and practice it as much as possible. One time, a client told me he takes swigs of pickle brine from the jar when he feels low,” she explained. “Another would dunk her head in the bathwater and scream all the horrible thoughts out of her head while inhaling the cleansing water into her lungs. Any form of self-care is great, and different things work for everyone, but it’s important to remember that all of them are made more effective when doing so while masturbating, especially if you’re going to make a huge mess out of your bathroom anyway.”

At press time, Bellamy was seen at a theatre watching a movie by himself while eating black licorice.

Leaked Trailer for COVID Origin Report Shows Multiverse of COVID Outbreaks

Posted on by Dianne Nora

LOS ANGELES — A leaked trailer for the 90-day report from the intelligence community regarding COVID-19’s origins suggests the incident may exist within a larger multiverse of COVID outbreaks.

“At first glance, an untrained eye seeing the trailer might think that it shows Dr. Anthony Fauci releasing the chaos into the world,” said Jake Gonzalez, an avid viewer and self-proclaimed expert in the COVID Cinematic Universe. “But real CCU fans know that in these scenes Benedict Cumberbatch is likely portraying his evil form, Mephauci, disguised as the Doctor. It’s really reckless the way some people, like that hack poser Martin Scorsese, make assumptions without really knowing their stuff.”

Other fans also speculated that the trailer suggests the report will suggest various possible origins for the global pandemic.

“This is one of the most highly anticipated episodes in the COVID-19 saga, tying together so many different pieces,” said Reddit user SARSCOV-Man, one of the moderators of the r/CCUniverse subreddit on which the trailer was originally leaked. “It’s going to have everything: for the Gen Z-ers, you’ll have Tom Holland fighting the Chinese spies who intentionally created the virus. And for older fans, you’ll have Toby Maguire playing the human who was originally bit by a bat. As long as we get some action sequences and a multidimensional, upside-down, human-bat kiss, I know I’m going to love it, even the redacted version.”

Everly Caudaire, a culture critic with the New Yorker, took a more cynical view of the leaked trailer.

“Will it please the diehard followers of the COVID-19 origins saga? Probably, but they’re not the most discerning viewers,” quipped Caudaire. “These people will take the tiniest Easter egg and spin it into elaborate conspiracy theories. The truth is, when it comes to these huge budget reports, at the end of the day, if they bend over backwards to please everyone here and in China, you wind up with a product that doesn’t really have a perspective or much new to say. And I know she’s got a history with the franchise, but Emma Stone should not be playing a Chinese doctor.”

At press time, reports that the bat might be played by a CGI Stan Lee had not been confirmed.

Progress? We Were Able To Convince This Flat Earther That the Earth Was at Least a Cube

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Despite a lack of scientific evidence, the flat earth movement has gained a lot of new followers due to the advent of the internet and the Chemtrails that poison our minds on a daily basis. As such, it has led to many frustrating conversations between individuals who accept what the Greeks told us in 2000 BCE and attention-seeking people who think they’re too smart to accidentally join a cult. We spoke to one of the latter and, while we were unable to convince him the Earth was round, we did manage to add an extra 5 sides to his perspective, which is progress, we think.

The Hard Times: Ok seriously, why is it so hard to accept the Earth is round?

Flat Earther: Because it’s quite clearly a conspiracy by the international cabal of globe makers to push more globes onto us. But I’ve seen the maps and those things are flat, just like the Earth.

But you do admit that the sun and the moon are round, don’t you?

Oh sure, but I can see that by observing them with a telescope. When I try to observe the Earth using a telescope all I see is dirt but, like, really up close.

That is true. But have you ever noticed you can’t see past the horizon? If the Earth was flat, there wouldn’t be a horizon.

Oh my gosh, of course. How could I have been so blind?!

Finally, I’m glad to see that you’re coming around.

Clearly the Earth is bending at a 90-degree angle at that point!

Yes, the Earth is bending at, wait, no. Not that much of an angle. You see it’s the curvature that…

It makes so much sense! Everything has height, length, and width. Therefore, the poles are on the top of the cube, which makes them cold, and the continents each represent a different side of the cube. How did I not realize it before?

No, that’s not what we were trying to say. Actually, you know what? Fine. Sure, the Earth is a cube. But have you ever considered it might have even more sides than that?

Even more sides? Please. Now who sounds crazy?

Nu Metal Marriage Counselor Not About The He Said She Said Bullshit

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

RENO, Nev. — Couples therapy specialist and nu metal enthusiast Dr. Stephen Hoffman has found it’s best not to take sides in an argument and will not get caught up in the he said she said bullshit, according to sources who can see where he’s coming from.

“I found that when it comes to relationships, it’s best to look at things from both points of view rather than to just take what one person says as a completion of the story. Sometimes your partner seems like the biggest jagoff in the world, but that’s when you gotta remember it just might be one of those days,” Dr. Hoffman has said to many clients. “We’ve all had moments where we’ve felt like shit and we’ve been treated like shit, and it’s up to us to take responsibility for our feelings and ourselves if we want to create more intimacy in the long run.”

Two of Dr. Hoffman’s patients, Jeffrey and Felicity McGuire, found his practices to be very helpful.

“He told me that sometimes you feel like everything sucks, everybody sucks and you don’t know why but you justify your actions. Dr. Hoffman helped me realize that I was acting like a jerk toward my wife and that I was rationalizing the actions in my head to make myself be seen as the victim,” Jeffrey McGuire said. “He told me to not say something I’ll regret, to make sure not to let shit slip or I’ll be left with nothing but a fat lip. I took those words to heart and now my wife and I have never been happier.”

Not everyone has left happy with Dr. Hoffman’s techniques, including Frank and Deanna Becker, whose 13-year relationship ended in divorce following three sessions with the doctor.

“Dr. Hoffman claimed that I was ‘all about the nookie,’ whatever that means. He said I was dwellin’ on the past and that it was burning on my brain hot, and told my wife that when it came to me, ‘nothing was gonna change and you can go away,’” Frank Becker complained. “Was he right that maybe she just made a mistake and I should give her a break? Maybe. But as far as I’m concerned, that guy can take his advice and stick it up his… yeah. You know.”

At press time Dr. Hoffman was organizing family therapy workshops which he plans to include as part of his ‘Family Values’ tour, scheduled to take place next year.

We Sat Down With Body Modification Legend Jesus Christ

Posted on by Ryan Danley

Body mods have come a long way. Once a social oddity, it is now common to see piercings and tattoos on people in many walks of life. While we in the punk rock world are accustomed to these sights, it took many sacrifices by the people with their toes in the mainstream.

The chef community’s bold attempts at arm and hand tattoos blazed the trail that led to body modification’s mainstream acceptance, but who lit the spark? Look no further than a humble Middle Eastern carpenter by the name of Jesus Christ.

We sat down with the OG piercer to discuss standing up to power and going all the way for what you believe in.

Hard Times: Wow, it’s great to sit down with a counter culture icon like you Jesus.
Jesus: Actually…I’m going by Hesh now. I’m trying to distance myself from my early work.

Cool…. Hesh. You are one of the most famous pierced celebrities. How did that come about?
Jerusalem was dead, I was living in loft housing in a newly gentrified Leper colony and taking odd carpentry gigs. Kind of aimless. Then on a whim I got an eyebrow ring. And a whole world opened up to me. Now it’s the only way I can feel.

I read an account of your most famous piercings. It sounded like it may have been pretty extreme.
Extreme is the only way I know how to do things, brother. If you’re ever in Rome, check out a shop called Puncture Pilates out by the chariot races. I’m not sure they’re still open actually, but they did right by me. Solid dudes.

Can you speak on the significance of the work you had done that day? There’s actually a lot of debate about that.
Sure, I’ll set the record straight. These here on my wrists and feet, I got because I thought it would be cool to be suspended on a wall, like a living work of art you know?

And the hole through your abdomen?
I got that done with a 0000-gauge spear, as a tribute to my dog Lucky. He had passed away that year and he loved sticks, so it made sense.

What about the crown of thorns?
I got that mod as a statement about authority.

What statement is that?
Uhm, shit. Well, it’s like wearing a crown is sort of like, everyone wants it, but really it’s a headache you know? Ha, I don’t know man, it was a long time ago. I never really think my shit out that much, I just live in the moment you know?

Well it was certainly a legendary session. In fact, some of your friends reportedly thought that you had died from it, is that true?
Oh yeah, well I just passed out from the sheer ecstasy of body modification, you know? It was a truly transcendental experience. I mean, I saw God, dude. I fucking saw God.

There are those who claim that you are God.
That’s what you find out when you take ownership of your own soul meat, brother. We are, each of us, our own God. It’s a fucking trip dawg.

Okay wow, there is a lot of confusion about your message. Don’t you feel obliged to correct the people doing horrible things in your name?
That’s their trip man, it’s their journey. I can’t get weighed down with the bullshit. I had that epiphany when I got my first Prince Albert.

First?!
I have 3. I also have my septum and bottom lip pierced, and my ears are stretched to 22mm. I have around a 100 hours of tattoo work. My body is a canvas.

Uhm…ok. What can you tell the current crop of people looking to be modified?
Be true to yourself. Don’t let the man take you down. And don’t listen to your fucking Dad. Take it from me, those guys are full of shit.

Small Town’s Punk Scene Consists of High School Drama Club and Weird Guy Who Works at the Dump

Posted on by James Knapp

WEDGEBERG, Wyom. — A recent census of the town of Wedgeberg, population 629, revealed that its fledgling punk scene is composed entirely of teenage thespians and a local coot who manages the area garbage dump, surprised sources confirmed.

“We weren’t intending to form a scene when everyone first started getting together, it just kind of happened. Mostly we just wanted to hang out after rehearsal and smoke some cloves. We don’t have many friends, we get bullied a lot, and people driving by always call us ‘gay,’ I guess that’s pretty punk,” said Frankie Barnes, student and drama club member at Wedgeberg Junior/Senior High School and Traffic College. “It’s pretty cool being in the scene. I mean we still mostly just practice our lines for ‘Annie Get Your Gun,’ but now we include a lot more swearing. Also we have that one weird old guy who buys us beer, which is awesome.”

The waste management employee known to locals only by the moniker “One-Tooth Earl” expressed something presumably supportive of the scene, as biologically its oldest member by nearly five decades.

“T’ain’t got ‘em no much punkin’ ‘round ‘dem goin’ used to play der’ some ol’ paint can whistin’. Hut hut hut!” remarked Earl on the difficulty of finding venues willing to put on shows in the scene’s early days. “Gimmem’ now two swatcher dern out th’ sandpits. Sher’pen nols say so. Ar’ soap.”

“Aa, aa, aaa! Pot da cardboard oer’ twind’ th’ blue bins,” added Earl regarding the garbage dump recycling procedures.

However, some community members have taken issue with the small town’s nascent punk scene.

“Punk rock is a blight on our town. The kids used to want to grow up to be farmers or own a mid-scale hardware store. Now all they talk about is the Broadway adaptation of ‘American Idiot,’ which as an American I find offensive,” said local haberdasher Wendell Phillips. “And I don’t even know what it’s been doing to ol’ One-Tooth. He was always a bit odd, but ever since he stapled that Aus Rotten patch on the back of his overalls the town dump has somehow gotten even grosser.”

One-Tooth Earl later added that since joining the scene he has come to understand the wasteful effects of capitalism that contribute to the Wedgeberg dump collective.