The Nicest Celebrity I Know is Armie Hammer, and a List of Other Things His New Publicist Asked Me to Mention

Posted on by Tim Sheard

I’ve been lucky enough to meet quite a few famous people, but I gotta tell ya: Armie Hammer is the nicest celebrity I’ve ever met! At least, that’s what his new publicist asked me to say. He also gave me this list of other things he would like us all to know about Friend to the Many, Armie Hammer.

Armie doesn’t eat people.
And not just because he hasn’t had a chance to yet! He’s genuinely not interested in, and definitely not aroused by, the thought of consuming human flesh.

Armie loves women.
And I don’t mean that in the way you’d say “I love Kung Pao Chicken,” or, “I love biscuits with sausage gravy.” He respects women. He honors them. He believes women, except for those lying bitches who posted bullshit about him online. And the ones who haven’t come forward yet. Were they to come forward, at some hypothetical future date, like, say, maybe when their NDAs expire, they would also be lying. Still — nothing but love!

Armie has learned his lesson.
The world is ready for Armie to come back, and more importantly, Armie’s ready for the world! And I don’t mean that he’d like to attack the world like it’s a colossal flesh buffet. No, he’s ready to do some acting! He has taken this time to seriously reflect on the things he never did wrong, and he’s learned that he was innocent the whole time — especially of eating people!

Armie’s really down-to-earth.
This is not referring to any shallow graves he may have dug hastily in the night! He’s a chill, fundamentalist-raised heir of an oil tycoon who grew up in the Caribbean, just like you and me. It was a real stretch for him to play reclusive millionaire Maxim de Winter in “Rebecca,” or the tech millionaires the Winklevoss twins in “The Social Network.” And not just because that meant he had to become two; two mouths to feed, two bellies to fill, four eyes scanning the lands for fresh blood. Whoo! He’s got range.

Armie’s the real victim here.
The real culprit is cancel culture! No one should be shamed for their kinks. If Armie had expressed a desire to eat someone, which he totally didn’t because he doesn’t do that, who are we to judge? Unless you’re the LA Police Department, who may have said that he was under investigation, but hey! No charges have been brought. It’s completely wrong for some woke Twitter mob, or a large municipal police department, to judge an average guy who’s just out here trying to make some movies. [Addendum: Under no circumstances should this be considered a statement of legal fact admissible in consideration of the crime of perjury.]

Father of Four Considers Chili Recipe His Legacy

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

OAK LAWN, Ill. — Father of four and local businessman Theodore “Ted” Rosenberg considers his chili con carne recipe to be the ultimate legacy he will one day leave behind, according to sources.

“My five-alarm, Blue Ribbon-winning chili is going to be the thing I’m remembered for,” said Rosenberg, whose oldest child recently ran a marathon. “A man only has so long on God’s green earth, and most of us spend it doing not much of a darn thing with their lives. But I want something of me to live on. I want people to know I put something into this world, that I was here and contributed. I want the name ‘Rosenberg’ to be synonymous with chili con carne.”

Joyce Rosenberg, his spouse of 44 years and the mother of his children, all of whom are still living, was aware of his feelings for his chili.

“Ted does love that stuff,” Rosenberg said. “He is truly devoted to that recipe. He spent years developing it. That man knows more about Hatch chiles than anyone I’ve ever known. He spends hours arguing with the ladies down at the local spice market about whether the oregano was ground fresh that day. He spent half our honeymoon in Mexico studying different beans. He’s ignored my needs, missed countless recitals and graduations and weddings, to get what I have to admit is a very solid chili recipe.”

Behavioral psychologist Dr. Martha Carter said she has overseen many cases like Rosenberg’s.

“Mr. Rosenberg is unfortunately not a rare case,” Dr. Carter said while sampling a bowl. “These dads are concerned first and foremost with what mark they will leave on the world, what they will have changed that will make people think of them fondly. Sadly, most of them never realize that despite their chili recipes, their perfect game at the bowling alley when they were 32, and their perfectly refurbished 1963 XR-6 Tex Smith Roadster, they are simply writing words in water, which are sure to fade away. Fathers like this never realize that they’ve already left something in the world, and countless therapists likely owe their livelihood to the emotional ineptitude of these men.”

As of press time, none of Rosenberg’s children had called him in six years.

Opinion: As a Girl With a Short Skirt and Long Jacket, You’re Making a Lot of Assumptions About Me

Posted on by Emma Jonas

So, you’ve taken note of what I’m wearing and assumed my entire personality and life experience based on my choice of clothing? That don’t impress me much (I was always more of a Shania fan.)

Many men over the years have pegged me as their real-life Karen. No, not the one from the Internet videos. The imaginary one who changed her name from Kitty and has, apparently, the same style inclinations as me, according to the smug-faced boys of Cake.

Maybe I do know what’s best, if we’re talking knowing what clothing works best for my proportions, and knowing that I’d best stay far, far away from guys who are way too into talk-singing, cringey-hat-wearing cash-grab wine-mom bands.

Cake, huh? No, yeah, never heard of ‘em and don’t care to, for the sake of this and every conversation I’ve had over my years of knowing I look devastating in a mini-skirt and velveteen duster and owning the hell out of it. And I admit, I do have eyes that burn. That’s a self-fulfilling prophecy on your part. Stop blowing your goddamn vape in my face.

It’s actually none of your business how early I get up or how late I go to bed. Are you saying I look tired? If I had uninterrupted prosperity, do you think I’d be at this dive bar, Grocery Outlet, or Ross Dress for Less? No, I’d be driving this imaginary Le Baron you all seem to think I own, and I’d know shit about dividends, too. I don’t even like Le Barons. I’m happy with my Civic, and it’s none of your business whether it has cup-holder armrests. I wish I could use a machete to cut through the red tape of you cornering me in this dispensary.

No, I haven’t toured any kind of facilities lately. What kind of question even is that?

You all seem to be searching for a lady to pay your bills and tell you how to get your shit together. And let me stop you there: it ain’t me, babe. I will not be picking up slack for your sake, euphemistic or otherwise. I think with my allegedly diamond-like mind that you could fulfill this fantasy by taking your mother out to get a new outfit and a manicure (is there a nail polish called “justice?” Is that what I’m missing?). She’ll pay for it with that Citibank card and use her dark, tinted glass voice to tell you to start listening to better music and leave poor, fashionable women like me alone.

And stop leaving stains all over her Italian leather so-fa.

Guy in Cattle Decapitation Shirt Only Polite Person at Airport Bar

Posted on by John Danek

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Metalhead Tyler Cobb was the only patron to behave with respect and civility at airport bar Buster’s, while sporting a Cattle Decapitation long sleeve T-shirt bearing cover art from the band’s debut album “Human Jerky,” multiple witnesses reported.

“When Ty — he said all his friends call him that — walked up to the bar, I braced myself for him to loudly ask to change the radio to Sirius XM’s Liquid Metal and slam some Jäger or something, but nope, he was a true gentlemen,” recounted bartender Dawn Everly, who was especially taken aback when he ordered a rather expensive Chablis. “Now, the other people at the bar? Total fucking animals. One woman had a shirt that said ‘Defund the Media’ and yelled ‘how hard is your job?!’ when I placed her husband’s Blue Moon in front of her instead of him. I hope she gets shingles. And that her kids join the DSA.”

Cobb is a longstanding fan of Cattle Decapitation and other technical death metal bands. He frequently travels while wearing their merch, surprising and delighting people who cross his path.

“I understand that some people might find the artwork of metal bands off-putting, but I find a captivating beauty in the intricate details,” explained Cobb, who gladly zips up a hoodie over his shirt if young children are around. “And there is nothing I like more during a day of travel than stopping by a bar for a nice white. While I typically opt for a buttery chardonnay, I was in the mood for something a bit tangier in Charlotte. The bartender seemed to be a bit stressed out, so I tipped a little extra.”

Members of Cattle Decapitation appreciate the way Cobb and other fans represent the band and their community during travels.

“Our most diehard fans come from distinguished and illustrious careers the world over, such as museum curators, preschool teachers, and caviar experts,” explained Cattle Decapitation vocalist Travis Ryan. “I’m not at all surprised that they display a magnificent amount of decorum and respect with the rest of the world. But don’t get us wrong, even if our fans mind their P’s and Q’s, they still fuck shit up in the pit. Anything goes during our breakdowns, and you can always expect to see at least a little blood, regardless of how many elevators they hold open for someone running down a hallway in their spare time.”

Cobb continued to shatter the world’s expectations by appearing as a contestant on Jeopardy while wearing a Pig Destroyer T-shirt.

Opinion: I Think I Can Hold It ‘Til After the Encore

Posted on by James Knapp

Okay, I’m cool. Sure I’ve had 11 PBRs on an empty stomach, but there is no way I’m gonna be in the bathroom when Shit Blaster comes back to play their encore. I am an adult and I am in control of my bladder. Jesus Christ, these guys are taking forever.

Fuck! I don’t think I’ve had to pee this bad in my whole life. Maybe if I move back by the merch tables… nope, moving just shakes it up. Oh goddamn, it’s so much worse now. Shouldn’t have tried to do anything. That’s my mistake. Okay, it’s okay, I got this.

They better start the encore soon because I cannot hold this for much longer. And if a little bit manages to leak out I’m not going to be able to stop the rest. Like, full on floodgates on the Hoover Dam opening. I’m just gonna soak the floor of this pit. But if I’m lucky all the stale sweat might cover it up. Yeah, it’s good to have a ‘Plan B.’

Man, the line for the bathroom looks really long. I should have gone during the opener’s set. What the hell was I thinking? And why did they play a cover of “Waterfalls” by TLC? Did they know this would happen, or was that a pee-induced hallucination?

Maybe it would be funny if I pissed myself. Like, if I just owned it? Maybe my friends would think I was more hardcore if I did that, and it could be a funny story about how crazy and wild I am. Oh who the fuck am I kidding, I’m not that guy! There’s no way I have enough clout in my circle to pull off pissing myself as a power move.

Okay, if they start now and play a three-song encore, I can probably make it through. If they play four songs, it’s a 50/50 split. If it’s five or more, I’m definitely walking out of here in lost and found basketball shorts. Same if they play the song “Swollen Testes” at all. I almost piss myself all the time listening to that when I haven’t consumed several quarts of cheap beer.

Did that guy just jump the line for the urinal?! Use the alley, you dick! Now I’m further behind than I was before!

The band’s not coming back for an encore, are they? Dammit, I can’t believe I waited around all night and almost certainly ruptured my kidneys for this. Well, fuck it. I paid to get in here so I’m gonna pee here. Now I just need someone to guide me to the restroom, because my refusal to pee appears to have left me blind somehow.

Inaugural Class of Merch Guy Hall of Fame Just Nine Dudes All Named Phil

Posted on by James Knapp

SECAUCUS, N.J. — The newly created Merch Guy Hall of Fame announced its inaugural class of inductees consisting entirely of pretty average looking dudes named Phil that can assure you your shirt will shrink in the wash, multiple sources making tip jars confirmed.

“It’s truly an honor to be a part of this historic occasion. When I was first getting started in the merch industry, I never would have dreamed that one day I’d be standing alongside legends like Phil Gilbertson, Phil Daniels, and Phil “Phil ‘er Up” Phillips to receive this prestigious recognition,” gushed inductee Phil Overdul, longtime merch guy for the noise-funk band Angular Animals. “I’m actually nervous to have to walk up on stage and get my award, and I never get stage fright. I mean, I never really have the opportunity to usually but still, this is more exciting than the time our guitarist asked me to tune his backup Squier between songs.”

Members of each Phil’s respective band expressed something resembling pride in their guys who always remembered to upsell on the deluxe cassette.

“It’s a pretty big deal, I guess. Phil’s been running our merch table for like three or fifteen years, I forget, but it’s about time he got his due,” said Gwen Stamodine, singer for Trash Detector, about their merch guy of twenty-six years Phil Wolodarsky. “When [Phil] first told us about this I didn’t believe him; like seriously, I didn’t believe this Hall of Fame was a real thing. I don’t know who the audience for something like that is, but now that I see how important this is for him, I’m still mostly just concerned that he remembered to order more pins for the merch table.”

Hall of fame founder and former merch guy Phil Yonkers explained the hall’s nomination and induction process.

“We nominated some of the biggest names in merch to be a part of this legendary occasion. Phil Foggerty merched for the band Indiglicious for forty years and never once ran out of mediums,” said Yonkers while folding Merch Guy Hall of Fame shirts and laying them out on a folding table. “Phil Hagerstof saved his entire band from a venue fire in ‘97, which admittedly was caused by a lit joint he tossed outside because he thought he saw a security guard. Each merch guy has their own unique talents despite, implausibly, all having the same first name for some reason.”

At press time, inductees Phil Hepps and Phil Kirkberg were unable to make it to the induction ceremony as no one was willing to pick them up at the park-and-ride.

5 Concerts Ruined by My Dad Getting on Stage and Insisting He Could Play “Eruption”

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Dads are lame. Even if your dad can occasionally impart a life lesson or bring you a case of toilet paper from Costco, dads can embarrass you in pretty much any situation. For example, take my dad. His intentions may be noble, but his belief that he can enhance any musical event by crashing the stage and insisting he knows how to play Eddie Van Halen’s “Eruption” solo is very misguided. Especially since he can’t even play guitar.

Here’s a non-comprehensive list of every concert my dad has completely fucked up in this very specific way:

Kindergarten Winter Concert, 1986 – Everything was going swimmingly at the Adams Elementary Kindergarten Winter Concert. The kids were having a blast blowing on kazoos and stuff. That is, until my father, under the mistaken impression that parents were expected to contribute to the performance, jumped on stage, knocked over three kids in snowflake outfits, and asked where he was supposed to plug in his guitar. He managed to get a few notes in before Coach Marsden tackled him.

“Peter & the Wolf” Middle School Production, 1990 – Fast forward a few years. The humiliation of the Winter Concert had faded and people had finally stopped calling me “Daddy Van Halen.” I was excited to play the part of the Grandfather. Then my dad strolled on stage dressed as Eddie and pulled a humiliating attempt at mimicking the drum intro of “Eruption” via mouth noises. He insisted he was just trying to improve Sergei Prokofiev’s work with “a little Halen.”

Battle of the Bands, 2001 – Okay, this one just sucked. As you probably already guessed, my dad (wearing a denim jacket and a wig) impersonated the lead guitarist of a local band and screamed at a 15-year-old bassist that he was “fucking throwing off the solo, jaghole!” They did not win the Battle of the Bands.

House Show, 2007 – Okay, this is one on me. I threw a party at the house for my band’s EP release. That was foolish. Then again, most dads would just break up the party when they got back from Tahoe early. Not my dad. He took a three-minute kegstand, then grabbed a guitar but cut his hand on a broken string so badly he made a random teen drive him to the ER. I got really depressed around this time. The only thing that snapped me out of it was the kids at school calling me “David Lee Goth.”

Warped Tour, 2016 – Me and my friends saw that Front Porch Step was getting to play select dates on the Warped Tour after getting cancelled for basically everything you can get cancelled for. We went to heckle him when, sure enough, my dad popped up on stage, causing the entire set to get shut down. Ya know, sometimes dads are pretty cool.

Milk Crate Challenge Leaves Local Punk With No Bookcase, Bike Rack, Bed Frame

Posted on by Krissy Howard

DRYDEN, N.Y. — An online trend known as the “milk crate challenge” left local punk Shelby Smalls with almost no furniture or storage options in her home, according to sources who want to look away but cannot.

“As someone who’s been stealing crates from behind the Nice N’ Easy since I was 19, I cannot stress enough how pumped I was the first time I saw some kid absolutely eat shit off a staircase of milk crates,” Smalls said while dragging her full-sized mattress off of a row of Byrne Dairy crates. “I’ve been feeling pretty dissatisfied with everything lately, but when I saw this I knew I had to get involved. I’ve been watching a fuckton of ‘American Ninja Warrior’ this year, so I’ve got this strategy locked: run fast, take tiny steps, and do not open my eyes no matter what.”

Those close to Smalls remain torn between full knowledge that participating in the challenge is “the worst idea anyone has had in a long time,” and hope that “at least she’ll be doing something productive with her time besides setting fire to the lint on the bottom of her socks.”

“As hard as it was to watch her go through with this, I’m kind of happy that she found something so suited to her interests,” said Amanda Lorden, longtime friend and frequent discourager of Smalls’s decision making. “This challenge doesn’t highlight or bring awareness to any causes, and requires no real physical skill or capability. Basically it’s the three things that sum up Shelby the best: brutal, stupid, and a colossal waste of everyone’s time. I’m excited for her, and I’m also the only one that can bring her to the emergency room when she fucking beefs it.”

Despite the lukewarm support she’s received from some friends, Smalls’s roommates are less than thrilled.

“Nothing would bring more pride to our household than completing any internet challenge, but this one is just obviously way too dangerous,” said bedroom subletter in the apartment, Naomi Song. “Our books are strewn all over the floor after she took apart what was a bookcase that took, I hear, eight years to build, and I almost slipped on a record after she unloaded what was a meticulously organized collection. I don’t know if those things will ever see alphabetical order again, and if she doesn’t get that bed elevated within the next two hours then I’m afraid the mold is going to take over.”

Smalls could not be reached for further comment after fumbling over what was once her kitchen step stool and knocking herself unconscious.

5 Lesser Known Misfits Songs That Are Actually About How Love Finds a Way

Posted on by Bobby Korec

It is well documented on Wikipedia that the Misfits are synonymous with horror movie subject matter and imagery, but not many realize they also wrote some of the most timeless love songs of the ’80s.

During a period when pretty much every band was writing about zombies, werewolves, and skulls, the Misfits briefly defied trends and went in a different, more earnest direction before bailing on the lovey-dovey model entirely. Here are five all-but-forgotten yet nevertheless inspirational Misfits tracks about how love will always find a way.

“Love and Blood Are All We Need”
Ok, maybe this song isn’t “lesser known” since many might recall it appearing on the soundtrack to the romantic comedy Bridget Jones’s Diary (2001). However, if you’ve been living under a rock, you may not know that this one is about how love (as well as an insatiable need for blood) is the answer.

“Truly, Madly, Undeadly”
This ballad appeared on the band’s album titled “Collection 3,” which debuted modestly at number 1,039 on the charts, so it’s clear this one may have gone unnoticed by many. The lyrics deal with two lovers who just happen to be vampires, so their love is eternal by default.

“Exorcise Our Feelings”
Many Misfits songs are based off of super old B-horror movies way back when Hollywood chose not to use CGI for some reason. However, this track was actually inspired by the old romance classic Gone With the Wind (1939). The lyrics reimagine what life in the GWTW universe would be like if the main characters were demons who meet-cute while out on a random demonic possession assignment.

“Get Out Of My Dreams (And Onto My Wall)”
The Misfits’ clearest attempt at a commercial mega hit, this song was considered for and almost featured in a variety of ‘80s romantic comedies, including the famous boombox scene from Say Anything (1989). Unfortunately, the producers were skittish about using a love song focused almost exclusively on the human skull, and The Cutting Crew’s “(I Just) Died In Your Arms” won out.

“Die, Die, DIE My Darling”
This tune was a D-side to one of their singles. Can’t remember which one exactly. Anyway, they use the word “die” here as a metaphor for the word “kiss.” It makes sense after you read the lyrics and really, really think about it. Unfortunately, they never got to play this one live as they wrote it at the very end of the Glenn Danzig era, and Michale Graves has publicly refused to open up his heart and let love in.

Biden to Push Middle East Peace Process Titled “The War On War”

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

WASHINGTON — President Biden announced a rebranding of the “Middle East Peace Process” to “The War On War” in hopes of appeasing warmonger lawmakers on both sides of the aisle, confirmed multiple CEOs of defense contracting companies.

“It’s all about marketing these days. I remember talking to a fella named Cornpop about marketing outside of a pool in Delaware. He was a real bad dude,” said President Biden during a gathering of Army Officers in the Oval Office. “You can’t bring anything to Congress with the word ‘peace’ in it or they’ll start calling you soft. And let me tell you something, Jack: I’m not soft. The American economy won’t ever recover with a peace deal, everyone in Washington knows that. I’m hoping this new language can bring Congress together. The ‘War on Drugs’ was so profitable for the prison system, and right now those prisons are some of the biggest employers in the country.”

After firing her glock into the Capitol ceiling, Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert reluctantly praised “Sleepy Joe” for “finally nutting the fuck up and declaring war.”

“We’re goin’ to war on war! Hot damn, this gets me fired up to mount war’s head on my fuckin’ wall!” passionately howled Boebert, owner of “Shooter’s Grill,” a restaurant in Rifle, Colorado where staff members are encouraged to openly carry firearms. “I thought Democrats wanted to steal our guns, but hearing they wanna use our guns against guns… This great nation will gun down every gun on the planet. Then, we’ll turn the world’s last gun on itself and blow its fuckin’ head off! Yee Haw!”

General James C. McConville, Chief of Staff of the United States Army, was more than thrilled to “not have to look like a little bitch in front of the troops.”

“I almost had to crush these boys by pulling them out of Afghanistan and sending them home to their wives and kids,” said General McConville. “Now they’re all fired up to get back out there and kick war’s ass! I have to give it to President Biden on this one, I almost thought he actually cared about humanity for a second. He knew that when me and every other red, white, and blue blooded American man who suffered through the ‘60s hears the word ‘peace,’ we get flashbacks of stompin’ long-haired, round-lensed hippie freaks.”

The President also hopes to make a deal with the Taliban for American contractors to provide maintenance for the billions of dollars in weapons and artillery left behind in Afghanistan.