5 Movies You Must Lie About Watching Before You Turn 30

Posted on by Taylor Roebuck

Cinema is a universal language that we all speak. Our favorite films connect us all by tapping into the greater consciousness of the human experience. Now, you might not think those are the words of someone who has seen Jean-Claude Van Damme’s entire filmography. But you would be dead wrong, friend-o. Look, I get it. Film is a storied medium that has rich origins and magical installments from its inception. But who has the time? It’s much easier to just watch some bullshit you like and fake the rest.

We took the liberty of figuring out the five most significant movies you must lie about watching before you turn 30.

1. Metropolis (1927) – Ah, the godfather of nerd shit. Considered one of the first feature-length science fiction films, this one’s about a gorgeous utopia built atop a bleak underworld populated by the have-nots. You know, like every other science fiction movie. Just look this one up on Google Images, and be sure to mention how grateful you are for its restoration.

2. The Seventh Seal (1957) – Luckily for this one, you just have to watch “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey,” and you’ll get everything you need to know. The next time you have trouble understanding the ending of an A24 movie, just say it was reminiscent of Ingmar Bergman and give it two and a half stars on Letterboxd.

3. Blade Runner (1982) – I’ll save you some time here. Watch “Total Recall” instead. It’s basically the same thing, except it kicks way more ass, and it’s got Arnold Schwarzenegger. Win-win.

4. The Matrix (1999) – This one’s got some pretty rad action sequences, but it’s just so long. We can’t possibly be tasked with watching every great movie over 90 minutes, can we? “The Matrix” is already so prevalent in American culture, you’ve probably absorbed all the relevant info through osmosis anyway. Red pills, blue pills, Morpheus in the Hot Topic trench coat, etc.

5. Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope (1977) – This may seem like an odd entry, but trust me. Save yourself the trouble on this one. When people find out that someone’s never seen Star Wars, they lose their shit and become possessed by the uncontrollable need to keep repeating, “You’ve never seen Star Wars!” Nip it in the bud. Just remember to say Han shot first if you ever get any pushback.

Local Punk Featured in 30 People Over 30 Who Need to Get Their Shit Together

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

GLEN BURNIE, Md. — Local punk Cris Martinson was recently honored by Forbes Magazine in their annual “30 People over 30 Who Need to Get Their Shit Together” list, sources reported.

“Each year we see countless pieces of human garbage who are utterly failing in every aspect of life, and Ms. Martinson was one of the un-esteemed names we couldn’t possibly leave off this list,” said editor-in-chief Steve Forbes. “From getting fired from three jobs in the span of 10 months to getting caught cheating on her girlfriend with her 16-year-old sister, Cris is a person who really needs to get her ass in gear, and quickly. If she keeps up her bullshit talk of forming a band and never following through, along with getting drunk and passing out on the bus on a near-nightly basis, she’ll be a shoe-in for next year’s list. And probably the next four, until she turns 40.”

Friends and relatives of Martinson, when reached for comment, said the honor was well deserved.

“Oh yeah, Cris is a complete piece of shit,” said longtime friend Caleb Levi. “This fucking girl is stealing her mom’s valium and selling her little brother’s ritalin to speed freaks. She mooches off, like, everyone, is scamming money from her senile grandmother, and has been crashing on my couch for six weeks and hasn’t even offered to pay rent or even clean up after herself. I know that being an utter scumbag loser takes a lot of work, but Cris puts it in hardcore.”

When asked for her thoughts on the honor, Martinson seemed confused as to the nature of the award.

“Oh snap, for real? That’s tight, yo. I feel like I really earned this,” the underachieving wonder said while eating her roommate’s leftovers. “This was totally worth Mom getting sent to the booby hatch. Is there like prize money? I’ve got some guys I need to pay off because I didn’t come through on a batch of homebrew. If there’s an award ceremony or anything I just have to legally announce that I can’t go if it’s within 500 feet of a school, for personal reasons.”

At press time, Martinson had blown off her shift at work to get stoned in an abandoned quarry with her middle school-aged cousin.

Stop Kink-Shaming Tarantino for Loving Feet Almost as Much as I Do

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Listen, enough is enough! We have to take a stand. The snide jokes and digs and microaggressions have gone for too long. It’s time to stop kink-shaming Quentin Tarantino for loving feet almost as much as I do.

It’s a pity that, in these “enlightened” times when people pay so much lip service to freedom of sexual expression, it’s apparently okay to mock one of Hollywood’s greatest film directors and also me for understanding the glorious sensuality of the bare foot. We think we’ve come so far as a society and then you hear a prurient, childish audience tittering knowingly at the combined 9 minutes and 47 seconds of feet footage in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood, or some lifeguard tells you to stop circling the edges of people’s beach towels, and you realize that we aren’t nearly where we should be.

Do people think it’s “weird” that Tarantino goes out of his way to highlight the often-bare, always-titillating feet of his starlets on screen? Do they think it’s “weird” that I have three different subscriptions to a Lady Foot Locker catalogue, one for work, one for home, and one just in case? Yes, and those people need to mind their business.

Nobody has a negative, shame-filled comment when Chris Evans or Pratt strips off his shirt in a Marvel movie to show off rippling muscles. There’s no judgement when we see Margot Robbie’s million-watt smile in The Suicide Squad. But then you simply spend an afternoon winding and rewinding the scene in which Robbie as doomed film star Sharon Tate props up her dirty, nasty, filthy feet in a theater for everyone to see, and you’re some kind of pervert and so is Tarantino.

Don’t be on the wrong side of history. You can knock Tarantino and Joss Whedon and Renny Harlin and a group of like-minded individuals I know who have a members-only Reddit for knowing what they like and not being ashamed, but time will show you for the bigots you are.

It wasn’t that long ago that a glimpse of a stocking was considered shocking, and now it sounds silly. Mark my words: in the future, being uncontrollably aroused by the sight of someone slowly, luxuriously painting their toenails will seem just as normal. And you’ll think back on your jokes and judgement and kink-shaming, and then you’ll be the one who’s ashamed.

Now, how much for a pic of those feet?

Desperate Band Prepares To Play “Only A Few Tix Left” Gambit

Posted on by Josh Klasco

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local psychedelic doo-wop band Francis and the Francy Boys are preparing to play the “only a few tix left” gambit in response to predictions of low attendance at yet another show, sources who aren’t falling for it confirmed.

“Tickets are just going really fast, I guess,” lied band leader Francis Meshakeret. “I can’t say I’m surprised. Innovation takes a while to catch on, but when it does, watch out! For a while, people didn’t know what to make of psychedelic doo-wop, but it was the same story with the iPod or the Model-T. Yessir, people are finally hip to the sound of the future and tickets are going quick. Honestly, you should probably buy more than you need; you could scalp them at the show and make a killing.”

Francy Boys soprano theremin player, Zilpo Blorgif, isn’t as confident as his band leader.

“Francis is a visionary and I’d follow her to the gates of hell, but I think she’s overplaying her hand here,” Blogrif said. “She can’t accept that the world isn’t ready for us and is entirely unwilling to come out and see us play because of that. It’s worse than the time she said we were playing a reunion show. People seemed more excited by the idea that we had ever broken up, even though we hadn’t. It really didn’t do much for morale around here.”

Dr. Homer Mekomi is an anthropologist who specializes in little-known local bands and confirmed that tactics such as these are common.

“Ah, the ‘only a few tix left’ gambit,” mused Dr. Mekomi from the back of the coffee shop where he works part-time. “It’s a bold move. Denver’s klezmer-fusion pioneers, Hadgaba, pulled it off once, but that was only when paired with the even more risky ‘our last show ever’ maneuver. It’s always hard to see bands resort to such drastic measures. But one can’t help but think that, if they would stop writing songs based around robotic frogs atonally rabbiting in syncopated 7/8 time, maybe people would actually want to go to their shows.”

As low ticket sales persist, Francis and the Francy Boys are preparing to release a ransom note asserting that they have been kidnaped and won’t be released unless they sell 15 tickets to their next show.

Review: No Doubt “No Doubt”

Posted on by Krissy Howard

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we tackle the 1992 self-titled debut from the ska/punk/pop legends No Doubt.

Well, well, fucking well, if it isn’t the moment when my “career” “choice” isn’t finally coming around to pay off. Not literally in terms of money payment, but in the form of something far more valuable: finally letting the entire world know about the time Gwen Stefani stole the haircut I gave myself in 10th grade (I can’t remember the exact year.)

She probably thought she’d gotten away with it, seeing as how it’s been 25 years, and also how she has no idea who I am, despite countless attempts on my part to make myself, and my hairstyle, known. Well guess what motherfucker, the chickens have come home to roost and now it’s time to pay, and oh, how you fucking will pay, in the form of being subjected to a 350-word record review of your band’s first album that upward of a dozen people might read.

I was already told by my editor, who fought very hard to assign this one to anyone else to no avail, that I had to talk about the album if I want to keep working here, probably on account of how he’s definitely taking Gwen Stefani’s side and hates me. So let’s take a look at these shitty tracks and get this bullshit outta the way. One song is called ‘A Little Something Refreshing,’ which is exactly what I thought my new haircut was going to be, not just for me, but for the countless students who walked by me not noticing my presence for all four years we shared several hallways together.

Then we’ve got ‘Ache,’ ‘Sad for Me,’ and ‘Sinking,’ all of which are exactly the feelings that happened to my body a mere weeks before the first day of school when I saw MY new haircut on HER stupid head within the pages of YM Magazine. What should have been hundreds of praises saying “cool hair!” were instead replaced with “I love No Doubt!” and “Gwen Stefani is so hot!” and “I think you have string cheese in your braces” and also “You definitely have string cheese all over the front of your pants. I didn’t even know string cheese could stick like that without being melted or something.”

And how could we forget the song ‘Move On,’ which proves, and I don’t know how anyone can deny shit at this point, that Gwen Stefani is gaslighting me and profiting off of that.

Fuck you to death, Gwen Stefani. I’ve come a long way, and my therapist says that I don’t need to talk about this anymore, and has pleaded with me several times to stop after I went against his medical advice, so I can let this go. I just don’t want to, and I’m not going to anytime soon or ever.

I would give this album a ZERO STARS rating out of seventy billion because Gwen Stefani is a thief who sucks. If you’re reading this Gavin Rossdale, call me.

/**/

REPORT: 40% Of Celebrities in Rehab List Singing in Car With James Corden as Rock Bottom

Posted on by Anna Walsh

LOS ANGELES — A survey of celebrities in the most elite rehabilitation facilities throughout greater Los Angeles showed 40% of respondents considered appearing on James Corden’s “Carpool Karaoke” their rock bottom event.

“I’m ashamed to admit that my addiction to pills and alcohol led me to such an extreme low,” said a well-known pop star who requested to remain anonymous. “I once woke up in an adult diaper spooning Charlie Sheen’s cat, and even that was more dignified than singing ‘I Will Always Love You’ with that doughy little bitch boy. I asked my publicist to scrub it from the internet, but Corden makes everyone sign away the rights with an iron-clad contract. As soon as I saw the footage I knew I had to make some big changes. I didn’t want my family seeing me like that ever again.”

Longtime employee of Natchez Rehabilitation Services in Palm Springs, Linda Basseghi, was not at all surprised by the survey’s findings.

“I’d say of the 12 patients we have here at any given time, at least four come to us right after they leave the CBS lot in Studio City. Honestly, he’s keeping us in business,” Basseghi explained. “My professional opinion is that the combination of sitting in a car while pretending James is driving, singing a pop song they loathe, and trying to remain cordial to the single most annoying person on television is simply too much for someone who relies on drugs and/or alcohol to get through normal events, much less traumatic ones like ‘Carpool Karaoke.’ The stress of pulling that off and retaining credibility is too high even for actors and actresses whose entire job is to pretend.”

James Corden’s office officially denied comment on the report, but assistant Keira Kim provided some insight.

“I can’t say I’m surprised by this. James is one of the most irritating people I’ve ever worked with. He’s always smiling, eating, or doing that hyena laugh of his,” Kim stated. “We have Robert Downey Jr. scheduled to film today, and we’re all concerned James is going to undo his 15 years of sobriety. We have a team of wellness professionals ready to assist Mr. Downey as soon as he’s done singing ‘Black Hole Sun.’”

James Corden responded to the news of his guests’ embarrassment on the latest episode of his late night show by dressing up as a cat and performing a six-minute rap.

Texas Voting Restrictions Leave Ted Cruz As State’s Only Qualified Voter

Posted on by Richard Circuit

AUSTIN, Texas — Republican lawmakers in Texas finally passed a controversial voter suppression bill along party lines which is set to take the right to vote away from every citizen, with the lone exception being Senator Ted Cruz.

“These restrictions end vote-by-mail, vote-by-proxy, and vote-by-anyone-except-Ted-Cruz,” said Texas District 96 Representative David Cook. “We wanted to ensure that elections throughout the state are safe and fair. It took months, but once we got past the obstructionists from the other side of the aisle we made sure that illegal immigrants, law abiding citizens, and even low-level lawmakers had no access to voting. We are confident this will usher in a new era for the fine people of Texas, who are now free from the overwhelming burden of democracy.”

“It was frustrating that Democrats tried so hard to stop this, but they have all privately reached out to me and said they think this is best for Texas,” added Cook.

Everyday Texans are quickly finding that the new law requires each citizen to follow a gruelling process intended to prove whether or not they are Ted Cruz.

“I tried to register to vote and the first thing I was required to do was send in a lock of hair as a DNA sample. I was told this process alone could take 25 to 60 years,” said Brenda Grynn, a hopeful voter from Dallas. “Then they started with the questions. ‘Did you read “Green Eggs and Ham” in its entirety in front of Congress?’, ‘Has a presidential candidate ever insulted your wife to your face?’, and ‘Have you ever been accused of being the Zodiac Killer?’. It took me three and a half hours to answer all the questions. When they noticed I answered ‘no’ on the first question, they denied me and threw the application into a barrel fire.”

Election officials outlined the stacks of highly-specific documentation that potential Texas voters must bring along.

“When you dive into the legislation you see that all voters must arrive at polling stations with a 1970 birth certificate, a US passport with a fresh Cancun stamp, and be willing to blame their daughters for the reason they are late,” remarked election expert and data analyst Mark Meyer. “We’ve seen Republican voter suppression bills across the country, but none have made the state 100% Republican, let alone 100% Ted Cruz.”

At press time, a new ballot measure abolished reproductive healthcare throughout Texas in a landslide 1-0 vote.

My Childhood Dog Never Got Vaccinated and He’s Alive and Well on That Farm Upstate

Posted on by Noah Leavy

A lot of people have been talking about this vaccine lately, asking plenty of important questions. Does it defend against COVID-19? How effective is it against the Delta Variant? Is it worth getting a tracking device injected into your body that also makes you sterile? Did Jesus need a vaccine? Well, all those questions are pointless and I can prove it. My childhood dog never got vaccinated and for the last 17 years, he’s been absolutely crushing it on that farm upstate, according to my parents.

I’m a free thinker. A rebel without bias. A doctor without borders. Or a medical license. I play my own tune and that tune is the star-spangled banner. Except for when it’s Enter Sandman. If experience has taught me anything it’s never to be a guinea pig for the state and that dogs live to about 50 if provided the right environment.

The American public is very childish. They’ll believe any fairy tale you tell them. Like how there are some tiny organisms coming to kill us that we can’t see (how convenient) and our only protection is getting some juice put in your arm. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous. It sure does to me, my family, and my dog, who is currently vaccine-free, romping around in meadowy fields until the end of time. It’s time to grow up and resist, people!

Taking the lead from my immortal pup, I will never get the COVID vaccine. The only things I put in my body are time-tested and proven to be safe. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go get my annual distemper booster.

Punk Just Puts Newspaper Over Dead Roommate

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

BETHLEHEM, Pa. — Local punk Tyra Flores was spotted placing sheets of old newspaper over the corpse of her housemate Vince Russo following his untimely passing earlier this week, sources close to the scene report.

“Fucking just like Vince to have me clean up after him. I swear this is the last goddamn time,” an exasperated Flores said, while placing pages from the sports section over the decaying body. “This whole process is a pain in my ass, but I figure this should solve the problem for now. I’ll figure out cleaning it up later, I’ve got a Call of Duty game going. At least this paper will keep people from noticing it. I’ll get to it before the basement show we’re doing, or will at least be sure to sprinkle some of that baking soda stuff we use for the litter box over it if I have time.”

“I’m probably going to have to rent a carpet shampooer or something. That asshole’s paying me back,” Flores added.

Anonymous sources report that the now partially fly-eaten carcass has been sitting there for several days.

“It seems as though the lazy motherfuckers in this house are under the impression that if they just leave a mess around long enough, I’ll eventually get sick of it and clean it myself. Well not anymore,” noted surviving housemate, Cayla Fowler. “I think the dog’s been kind of picking at it, and the flies have definitely gotten a lot of the meat off, but Tyrar’s got to do more than just throw the paper over it. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve emphasized keeping the common areas clean. I’d deal with this myself, but if I don’t put my foot down now, they’re going to just keep taking advantage of me.”

Housing experts note that the monotony of housework often leads to procrastination behaviors such as Flores’s.

“With dead bodies, and maybe this is just me, but I find it’s better not to put off cleaning them. As rigor mortis sets in and the bowels release, cleaning only becomes more difficult,” noted housekeeping expert Martha Stewart. “In a case like this, the fact there is no blood makes clean-up a breeze, just spray the area with a little vinegar and lemon juice and it’s like new. One thing she could do is to put the front page of the newspaper over the body, so she’s reminded how long it’s been sitting there.”

As of press time, Flores had typed, but forgotten to send, a reply to Russo’s relatives asking if she had seen or heard from their son.

USA Renews Forever War for 20 More Seasons

Posted on by Freelancer

WASHINGTON — The United States of America picked up another twenty seasons of Forever War, according to a speech from President Biden last night.

“Initially, the numbers seemed to suggest that Americans had lost interest in Forever War, but once we heard the President pledge revenge on ISIS-K, I knew that we could expect a pick up,” said Jeffrey Willard, an independent defense contractor who’s worked with the Pentagon. “Some viewers had complained that the past few episodes have been confusing, and I can’t fault them on that: we’re training the Taliban, we’re fighting the Taliban — it had gotten to the point where there was no clear antagonist, and all the action sequences and fatalities just felt a little pointless and meandering.”

Dick Cheney, the former Vice President and long-time showrunner of Forever War in the early 2000s, blamed the series’ dip in popularity on recent mismanagement.

“The guys running the show now don’t know the first thing about selling Forever War,” Cheney grumbled. “Acknowledging the humanity of your enemies, admitting responsibility or mistakes, trying to be honest with the American people — that shit is way off the mark. I blew a clear shot once on a hunting trip when I was just a young man of 65, an age I’ve looked since I was born, and I swore I’d never miss my target again. But with a concept this strong, Americans don’t need to worry. Forever War isn’t going anywhere.”

Jen Psaki, White House Press Secretary and spokesman for USA says the current leadership intends to take the show in a new direction.

“As long-time viewers might have expected after hearing the President speak this week, Forever War will be returning to form with all of the suspense, intrigue, and wide-scale destruction that our audiences have grown gradually numb to over the past few decades,” Psaki confirmed. “ISIS-K might sound like a rehashing of an old enemy, and in many ways, it is, but by the time the press has spun up enough hatred and dehumanization of them, we can expect a mass fear that might surpass even the post-9/11 era. Keen observers will also note that the revenge plots and drone strikes of Forever War in the Obama years are also slated to return, so Americans can have the false moral satisfaction of the conflict ending while the actual carnage continues across the region. Please note that I included my contractually obligated mention of 9/11 in this statement.”

At press time, rumors of a spin-off series, Forever War: Caracas, was still not confirmed.