So I guess we’re not knocking anymore? Alright, so you caught me whacking it. You can stop freaking out. Let’s talk about this like adults. Yes, I was watching the new Lil Nas X video. But it’s all good, bro. I’m only doing this because I love football so fucking much.
I love everything about football! I am enamored of the end zones. Just look at those uprights. Don’t you just wanna put one right through those big beautiful poles? I am entirely titillated by tackles. Just the thought of staining my pants on that freshly cut astroturf is getting me ready for another round.
To be clear, this is not sexual. I was cranking one out to this music video that reminds me of football out of a good old-fashioned love of the game. And like many people, when I feel love, I like to express that love physically.
Don’t get me wrong, I like Lil Nas X, too. I have ears. But that’s not what I’m wanking about. When I tuned in to check out his new video like 30 million other music fans, I was completely caught off guard by the football content. Once I realized I was looking at a football game, it was only a matter of time ‘til I was mounting our coffee table like a center and grunting until I felt the warm, musky essence of my pigskin slide into my hands.
If I’m being completely honest, I don’t even see what the big deal is. I do all sorts of physical gestures to show appreciation for things I love. I take off my hat at church, I salute when a soldier raises the flag, and I “run hard-nosed into the endzone” when I watch football. In fact, if you have a problem with any of these things, you got a problem with all of them. That means that if you don’t support me assisting myself to a touchdown, then you hate church and don’t support the troops.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like some privacy. I have to tend to this false start before it leads to a full-fledged deflate-gate.
