Joe Rogan Says in Lieu of Flowers Send Videos of a Tiger Fighting a Wolf

Posted on by Camden Brazile

AUSTIN — Media personality and podcast tycoon Joe Rogan tested positive for the coronavirus today, and urged his followers that, in lieu of flowers, they send videos of a tiger fighting a wolf.

“Please, fans, don’t worry about me. I have to ask that everyone resist the urge to mail me any Edible Arrangements, balloons, or flowers, and just videos of giant, crazy super predators fighting to the death,” Rogan said, to his fans and followers via Twitter. “I want to heal my mind and my brain first and foremost, and the only way to recover from within is to watch something badass like that. It gets me equal parts pumped and gives me a ton of good ideas for the next time I might have to move 580 pounds of body weight off of me at any given time.”

Rogan expanded on how this has affected his outlook of the vaccine and his career going forward.

“I’m glad I didn’t get vaccinated, because DMT trips when you’re sick hit so much harder, and plus, I’m not gonna take advice from any President who doesn’t have at least a green belt in Jiu-Jitsu,” Rogan said. ”I think for my next guest on the pod I’m going to have this bright light at the end of that tunnel I keep seeing. I wanna find out if it smokes or not.”

“Hey Jamie, can you pull up what heaven looks like?” he added.

At press time, Rogan insisted that if he were to unfortunately pass, that all his assets be awarded to whoever posted that “sick vid of an Orca ripping it’s trainer’s face off.”

Photo credit; Wikimedia

Man Attending Turnstile Show in GG Allin Shirt Searched Twice

Posted on by Steve Yuen

AUSTIN — Turnstile show attendee and guy in a GG Allin shirt Mark Creston was searched by security twice following a fecal matter-related incident at a recent performance, according to sources who swear it wasn’t them.

“We kept hearing this crowd wasn’t going to be a problem so we all thought this was gonna be just an easy evening of waving people through,” said Mohawk Austin head of security, Dale DeVargas. “After hearing about what happened in Santa Cruz, we’re dedicated to working tirelessly to keep the bands, their fans, and all known surfaces outside of the restroom free of fecal matter, and we’re starting with this shifty-eyed motherfucker in the GG shirt. I wasn’t born yesterday.”

An irate Creston claims to be unfairly profiled.

“Look GG was the true king of rock and roll, and yes he threw shit, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to,” Creston exclaimed. “Do you think every fool in an Ozzy shirt is gonna bite a bat’s head off? This is classic discrimination and anti-GG slander. I’m just here to get my time up there doing flips off the stage while some band plays, just like everyone else.”

A venue employee, speaking on condition of anonymity because they were told they needed to be nice to every potential customer, claims that Creston is well known by venue staff.

“I try to give everyone that comes in here the benefit of the doubt, but that guy lost those privileges the third time he ‘must have accidentally stepped in dog poop,’” they explained. “He always smells like shit then stinks this whole place up. I think he comes in with his pants already filled, so the fact that everything lined up to this exact moment is probably like reaching nirvana to him.”

During Creston’s secondary search a manifesto was found indicating the potential use of up to three more bodily functions.

Review: DARE “Against All Odds”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Orange Country straight edge powerhouse, DARE, are here to make their mark on the hardcore scene  with their debut full-length LP “Against All Odds” on Revelation Records. Eleven hard hitting crushers covering topics from racial injustices, dedication to straight edge and everything in between.

As much as I love this record from front to back, I can’t help but be reminded of our school’s D.A.R.E. officer, Benny O’Brien, who got busted selling drugs to staff and students in my middle school for damn near ten years. I remember hearing rumors about him from my friends’ older siblings since I was back in the third grade. He would bring duffle bags of all sorts of stuff and throughout his presentation things would get passed around and by the time he left his bags were empty.

When I finally got to the fifth grade Officer O’Brien was giving drug awareness speeches three times a year. Coincidentally, that was the same year our principal was arrested for extorting students out of their lunch money. Word around campus was he’d call different kids into his office, light a match and threaten to blame them for burning down the school unless they emptied their pockets. Thank god one of the administrative employees called the fire department after smelling the fumes from the gasoline he poured all over his desk.

It seemed like the perfect crime for O’Brien while it lasted. I mean, it was like he had a brand new sports car every time he came to visit. I had no idea I was witnessing something out of the ordinary. Teaming up with the teachers to demonstrate how to use all the different types of drugs we were warned against taking kind of made sense. Watching my science teacher fall asleep standing up in the middle of class after shooting up heroin at 10 a.m. is exactly why I’ve never been interested in trying the stuff.

Now that I’m an adult I know that my experience with the D.A.R.E. program is vastly different from anybody else’s I’ve met and in no way reflects what this sick ass band is about. If you’re a fan of ripping hardcore, social justice and being unapologetically sober, you’re going to love this record.

Score: 10/10 cases of Narcan

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Marvel Throws Out Captain America vs. Predator Just to See If It Sticks

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

LOS ANGELES — Bored Marvel and Disney executives confirmed that they have greenlit a Captain America vs. Predator crossover mostly for shits and giggles, insiders report.

“I mean, fuck it, why not,” remarked one Marvel executive while wiping a white powder from under his nose. “At this point you fucking peasants will lap up any Marvel property we shove at you, so why not just take two iconic characters from completely different franchises and shove them into some hamfisted CGI orgy designed only to maximize profit. It makes good business sense since we own everything now. If this works, maybe a Harry Potter/Golden Girls/Jennifer’s Body crossover next. We can do whatever the fuck we want, and when awards season comes we’ll be up on that stage laughing our dicks off.”

Disney executives expressed optimism about prospects for the proposed project, calling it “bold and original” as opposed to calculated and cynical.

“For decades, we at Disney have been working tirelessly to destroy any original or creative ideas. And as long as audiences let us keep getting away with it, we intend to keep it up,” stated a senior Disney business analyst. “The whole concept of this project should insult fans of both franchises and anyone with a functioning brain, but we all know this baby will net at least one billion overseas. Then we’ll just endlessly reboot it. All we need to do is have, say, James Gunn direct it and bam, blockbuster flick.”

While Disney insiders were excited about the project, critics warned of possible fatigue and overload on Marvel properties.

“I think with this one, they’ve officially jumped the shark,” noted critic Matt Singer of ScreenRant. “Once the novelty of Captain America fighting Predators wears off, you’ve got a pretty flimsy premise for a movie that kind of ignores the backstory of both franchises, so you’re just going to have a bunch of whiny fanboys shitting their pants over this and complaining about casting. Not to mention the countless thinkpiece articles we’re going to have to suffer through. Can’t we just let this one pass? No one needs this movie.”

Leaked documents show Disney executives admitted this was all a ploy to numb audiences ahead of the inevitable Star Wars/Marvel crossover.

Man Slowly Caving to Ad for 7/11 Hot Dog

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

SEATTLE — Local man Todd Cohen admitted that he is slowly caving to a misleading ad for the 7/11 hot dog snack known as “The Big Bite Hot Dog,” confirmed multiple sources who saw him staring at the ad for over 15 minutes.

“I was walking by the 7/11 on Denny Way, thinking maybe I would get lunch somewhere downtown,” explained Cohen, whose willpower was crumbling to the power of 7/11 by the moment. “That’s when I saw this giant poster for the most fake-looking hot dog I’d ever seen. It was a shade of red that doesn’t exist in nature, the relish was a dull gray-green with weird orange flecks, and even the mustard looked like it was drawn on with MS Paint. I was wondering what kind of person would eat that trash, but before I knew it, I was nodding to myself that 99 cents was a pretty good price, especially since the combo meal comes with a Slurpee.”

Ronald Lovett, a long-time clerk at the Denny Way 7/11, was unsurprised by Cohen’s lack of spine in the face of the Big Bite Hot Dog.

“I see this every day,” Lovett said while misting the all-beef hot dog franks on their rotisserie. “People think they’re too good for the meat offerings we have in our oven. They come in, browsing the coolers like they’re looking for a sugar-free Gatorade Zero, and next thing they know, they find themselves in front of the hot dog station, asking me if there’s any onions that flies haven’t been on. The answer is no; it’s always no.”

“No one can stand before the might of 7/11,” Lovett added, his eyes distant.

The advertising executive responsible for the Big Bite Hot Dog ad that transfixed Cohen, Terry Bonham, was pleased to hear of the continued success of his work.

“Most people think successful advertising is about appealing to consumers,” Bonham said while tracing the original artwork for the cased “meat” with a single finger. “But nothing could be further from the truth. There’s no point in trying to convince anyone with self-respect that they want what we have. Instead, our ads are designed to target the weak, the credulous, people like Mr. Cohen who can be convinced to consume something no one ever should.”

As of press time, Cohen was staring at the empty Big Bite Hot Dog packaging in his hands and taking stock of his life.

7 Reasons Why We Don’t Need To Run the Fucking Set Again

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

Listen, fellas. Enough’s enough. We don’t have another show for at least 3 months and, honestly, that one isn’t exactly set in stone. Our time on earth is finite and these fleeting moments may be all we have. So do we really need to run through the same 20-minute set we play every fucking week?

Let’s try something different for once! Here are 7 reasons why we don’t need to play the same 5 songs and one Fall Out Boy cover that we play every goddamn week.

First of All, It’s My Parent’s Basement – It’s been almost a year since my parents graciously allowed us to practice down here. And no, this is coming from me, not them. Sure, they’ve voiced the same sentiment but I also believe in respecting this space, unlike when I was growing up and also whenever they’re out of town.

We’ve Been Posting “Big Things Coming” For Way Too Long Now – This is like 90% of our social media presence. If we don’t start doing some new stuff, our 142 followers are going to eventually look elsewhere for announcements about upcoming big things.

I Bought Two New Guitars This Past Year – They’re meant for alternate tunings and they have humbuckers. Our current set is more of a single-coil type of sound and if that doesn’t change, I don’t know how I’ll be able to look at myself in the mirror while holding two guitars.

We Need at Least 10 Songs for the Album if Anyone is Gonna Take Us Seriously – We haven’t changed it up since before the first pandemic outbreak and we’ve been a band for 5 years. Everybody’s heard it all before. By the time the LP comes out, our entire core audience will be married with kids, especially since half of them (Shelly) is pregnant with the other half’s (Mark’s) baby!

I’m 30, and I Need Some New Hobbies at This Point – I dunno, I’m starting to think that those assholes that go axe throwing every Wednesday are having more fun than me.

This Band is One of the Only Things Keeping me in Connecticut – Fuck Connecticut.

To Be Honest, I Don’t Like You Guys Very Much – Don’t get me wrong, you’re all solid players, but have any of you even noticed that I lock the deadbolt the second you all leave? You are literally the last people I want to be with.

Crust Punk Somehow Clogs Toilet After Taking a Piss

Posted on by Bobby Korec

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local crust punk Julian “The Stain” Rainer stunned a group of friends by somehow clogging a perfectly good toilet merely after urinating in it, sources who didn’t even think that was possible confirmed.

“Hoo boy. This is like the third time that’s happened this week,” said Rainer before attempting to shift blame to the toilet’s low-flow flushing system. “I should probably get my piss checked out, but I much prefer the old fashioned way of resolving bladder issues by hoping they just sort of go away on their own. I mean, I tried not drinking water for a few days to reset my system, but that only seemed to make my pee more clog-inducing. What’s even weirder is that I haven’t shit in weeks. It’s like my body combined both urination and excrement functions into one substance that is released every few days. I’m not too worried about it, though.”

Friends of Rainer reported never having seen anything like this before.

“He was literally peeing for four consecutive minutes before ultimately clogging the can, like full-blown piss stream the whole time,” said longtime pal Jenn Wheeper, owner of the toilet in question. “What’s worse is he played it off like the toilet wasn’t dramatically overflowing as he walked out of my bathroom. He said it was like that when he walked in, which is highly unlikely considering I heard him frantically fiddling with the upper tank portion while attempting to flush the toilet several more times in hopes it would miraculously unclog itself. I mean, he could’ve just used the plunger and no one would’ve known. From now on, that guy’s only allowed to piss outside on the fence like the rest of my guests.”

Experts who were also stunned by the news weighed in on the phenomenon.

“What we have here is a classic case of dehydration, UTI, or an STD. One of those,” said doctor Clara Danesfield. “At least I think so, anyway. Who knows. As medically trained professionals, we’re mostly taking guesses at these diagnoses. But seriously, I’ve never seen anything like this before. Except one patient whose urine sample inexplicably contained dangerous levels of gasoline and raccoon fur. I must not have been paying attention when they went over that one in medical school.”

At press time, Rainer was kicked out of the local gas station for clogging a urinal, which the local plumber suggested was structurally impossible to do to one of those.

If I Had Known That Universal Health Insurance Meant Actually Having To Go to the Dentist I Never Would Have Become a Socialist

Posted on by James Webster

The history of socialism is a history of struggle. Since Bernie Sanders invented the idea around 2015, socialists everywhere have been fighting the good fight to liberate the people from beneath the boot of capitalism. We advocate for affordable housing, support for infrastructure like public transportation, and healthcare for all. But I’ll be honest, if I had known that having health insurance means actually having to go to the dentist, I might have reconsidered this whole thing.

I hadn’t been to the dentist in like, ten years, because America’s corporate overlords decided that they want us proletarians to be sick and tired and miserable. Also, I fucking hated the dentist when I was a kid. Apparently, smoking is bad for your teeth, not just your lungs, which is complete bullshit.

I recently got a new job, and health and dental are part of the benefits, so I thought that I would test out my dental insurance, so that I can better advocate for my fellow working class citizens. Comrades, in complete honesty, it sucks.

The capitalist mindset is an easy one to understand. All they ever want is more. And like former Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele, the dentist took one look at me and said “drill, baby, drill.” As we all know, an injury to one is an injury to all, so we need to ask ourselves: is this really worth it? Even though they numb you, you can still feel the drill vibrating your head, and don’t even get me started on the sound it makes. Gross.

When I say “a better world is possible” I don’t mean one where that weird gritty toothpaste is inflicted upon as many people as possible. Fuck it, you know what? Dentists will be the first to go after the revolution.

To paraphrase Eugene V. Debs, “While there is a lower class, I am in it, while there is a criminal element, I am of it, and fuck clean teeth, who cares, it’s not worth it.”

Solidarity is everything. If you truly believe in equality, then you must agree to just accept really shitty teeth as a part of life. It’s not gross if we all do it!

Man Who Deleted Social Media Now Gets His Existential Dread From Reading Frozen Food Ingredients

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

OKLAHOMA CITY — Local sad sack Jarvis Palmer recently deleted all of his social media accounts and now spends most nights at his local grocery doom scrolling the ingredients on frozen food packaging, worried sources reported.

“I listened to this podcast about the overuse of social media and how it’s ruining our brains, so I stopped cold turkey. I mean, who gives a shit that all my exes are happily married and are actually doing something meaningful with their lives,” said Palmer, eyes glued to the back of a Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza Pack while contemplating what exactly “mechanically separated chicken”is. “It’s been kinda rough out here too, though. The pictures of these foods are all really a facade. They don’t actually look like that in real life. Or maybe they do, and I’m not competent enough to preheat my oven to 450℉, place pizza on a baking sheet, and bake for 13-15 minutes.”

Several concerned shoppers have complained to management about the gloomy customer hogging all the Lean Cuisines.

“I’ve got people that come in here happy as hell, ready to spend their cash on whatever. And as soon as they hit aisle A4, that fucking buzzkill ruins their day,” said worn out manager Antonio De Luca. “Look I get it, rent is too high and the ice caps are melting. But newsflash pal, my Hungry-Man dinners are defrosting while you’re groaning about whatever the hell thiamine mononitrate and monosodium glutamate is. Maybe you might find somebody if you didn’t spend eight hours a day bumming out random strangers.”

Leslie Huang, a professor of psychology at The University of North Carolina, has studied this phenomenon extensively in her recent work.

“It’s an interesting trend, one that is becoming extremely prevalent as adults are leaving social media sites in the hopes of leading a more fulfilling life,” said Dr. Huang. “One of my patients suffered from something very similar. After quitting Twitter, she searched far and wide for a replacement where she could endlessly scroll through horrendous takes by out-of-touch millionaires complaining about complex sociopolitical issues in modern day America. Thankfully, she found her solution by watching ‘The View’ every single day, but for others like Mr. Palmer, there may be no hope.”

At press time, Palmer was found solemnly writing Elliot Smith lyrics on the foggy glass freezer doors.

It’s Tragic That Jimi Hendrix Didn’t Stay Alive Long Enough To Make a Shitty Synth Record in the ‘80s

Posted on by Peter Woods

It’s always a tragedy when a monumental artist is taken from us too soon, but in my opinion, none of these losses are more tragic than losing Jimi Hendrix at the age of 27. Just imagine if he had lived. The world could have gotten so many more recordings, so many more concerts, and so many more beautiful, soulful songs written by one of the greats. But what breaks my heart more than anything is the fact that we never got an immensely shitty synth record from Hendrix in the mid-’80s.

When I close my eyes and envision what that record might have sounded like, I can’t help but shed a tear. For both the world’s incredible loss and for how godawful it would have sounded.

Try to picture it for yourself. Bring to the forefront of your imagination everything that made Hendrix one of the greatest guitar players to grace this world: the flawless technique, the raw power of his fiery playing, the deep soul embedded in every note, and the absolute wizardry that brought all of this together. Now throw all that out the window and replace it with repetitive drum loops and synth pads that sound like they were made with a children’s toy. That is what we could have had. That is the depth of this tragedy.

Of course, it’s never a given that artists will go on to make memorable music in their later years. But looking at the greats from his era who lived on and did, it’s hard to imagine that Hendrix wouldn’t have followed suit. Incredible musicians and songwriters like Jefferson Airplane, Fleetwood Mac, and Leonard Cohen, just to name a few. Jimi would have surely followed their lead by making iconic music and also a really shitty synth album in the ’80s.

Hell, Van Halen wasn’t even around in the ’60s and they still stepped up and made a sonic war crime against their legacy with synthesizers. If Hendrix had done the same, it would have been an absolutely impeccable shitshow, which we will sadly never get to see.

Oh, and we totally would have gotten a completely phoned-in duet album with Lady Gaga in the 2010s. We definitely got robbed of that, too.