DENVER — Local punk John Hesslip’s scene-approved nickname of Slop Boy continues to baffle others in the scene who are unsure whether or not it’s intended as an attack on the character he may or may not possess, deeply confused sources confirmed.
“Yeah, we’ve been unclear on Johnny’s nickname for a while. I can’t even remember how he got it in the first place. It could be from the time we tried to free some pigs from a farm and he bravely crawled through manure to open a gate; or it could be from when he got the shits and broke my toilet,” remarked friend and fellow punk Amy ‘Couch-pisser’ Unger. “It could very well be an endearing nickname, but it’s most likely meant to be gross. Maybe it’s just a play off his last name and doesn’t actually mean anything. Man, I am really in the weeds on this one.”
Hesslip explained how the uncertainty regarding the name’s intent has made him hesitant to fully embrace it.
“People have been calling me ‘Slop Boy’ for years now, and every time they do I have no idea whether I should punch them or ask if they know where to buy ketamine. It’s a weird mindset to find yourself in,” said Hesslip. “Honestly, if I just knew one way or the other, that would be enough to own the name. Even if it turns out it’s an insult, that’s still better than this liminal hell of ambiguity I’m trapped in.”
Punk nickname expert Ronald ‘McFartsAlot’ Farraday detailed the methodology behind scene nicknaming practices.
“Nicknames generally develop out of a sense of shared, communal struggle. The bestowal of one is usually intended as a form of acceptance into a fringe and frankly beleaguered social group… that, or they’re just funny,” explained a rather gassy Farraday. “With [Hesslip] it feels like the most likely origin was to be inclusive, but I’d really need to know more about the man to say definitively. I once knew a hardcore guy whose nickname was ‘Hammerhead.’ Turns out the reason why was that the tip of his penis was completely flattened. And also it had eyes on the sides. Don’t you dare ask me how I got that information.”
In order to settle the dispute once and for all, Hesslip finally resolved to flip a coin only to have it land completely vertical in defiance of physics and self-vindication.