SPOKANE, Wash. — Recent college graduate Matt DeLuca lost an argument early yesterday afternoon after his uncle, Gino DeLuca, simply repeated a fact back to him in a mocking tone, according to triumphant sources.
“College boy over here was trying to tell me why we should erase this country’s great history, saying that ‘Manifest Destiny was racist’ and ‘the Trail of Tears was called that for a reason.’ I realized that these people just won’t listen to facts, so I let him know how stupid he sounds,” the elder DeLuca stated before continuing in a mocking cadence from the back of his throat. “Oh, America has a deeply racist, sexist, and classist past that negatively affects people to this day! Unnhhhh.”
“You see how stupid that sounds when I say it that way?” he added in a regular voice.
Matt DeLuca was enraged by his uncle’s winning technique.
“You can’t just have that be your entire stance. ‘Nyuh!’ is not a valid argument! I have a Master’s in Public Policy and a Bachelor’s in American History,” DeLuca explained. “I feel pretentious saying that, but I know my shit! He’s arguing like a seventh grader and thanks to people like him, these seventh graders won’t know any better.”
“I told my mom this would happen, but she was just like ‘Matty, stahhhp, he’s faaaamily,’” he added, invoking a high pitch and nasally inflection in an impersonation of his mother.
Onlookers of this confrontation found Gino DeLuca’s strategy to be effective and enlightening.
“Now, I was fairly convinced at first that Critical Race Theory might not have been so bad,” said distant cousin Jamie Burns. “I mean, it made sense to teach deeper impacts of actions until Gino showed us all how silly it sounds! Matt presented a lot of nice, factual-sounding opinions but, after all, they were just opinions, right? And none of them were funny, nor were they used to own Gino. Case closed.”
After the events of his graduation party, Matt DeLuca has since dropped out of his doctoral program and is planning to move into the hollowed-out part of an abandoned kayak in the woods.
Photo by John Danek.