RUCKERSVILLE, Va. — Local man Camden Singh had his overall worldview and philosophy shattered then reformed no less than six times while using social media app Twitter, sources confirmed.
“I’ll be flicking my thumb mindlessly until I see a post that completely upends my ideology. The other day I saw this huge thread about climate change,” began Singh, as he endlessly scrolled with his thumb. “It said that we’re gonna all be dead soon and that the planet won’t be habitable. I knew then and there that mankind was nothing more than beasts. We are the makers of our own doom, and it is one that we fully deserve. But after that, I saw this heartwarming post about a couple who adopted this old cat and I realized how wrong I was, only to realize again that humanity truly is horrible after I saw a thread about everything George Bush has done. It would almost be thrilling if it wasn’t slowly chipping away at any sense of humanity I have left.”
Friends close to Singh said they’ve grown worried by his ever-changing mind.
“He’ll just stand in the corner, glass-eyed,” Biannca MacDonald, a longtime friend of Singh, began. “Sometimes I’ll hear a little groan of disapproval. That’s when I know he saw a thread about people getting wrongfully evicted. But a couple of seconds later he’ll have a little grin on his face, probably because of some fundraising event that he won’t actually donate to. I’ve been trying to reach him and let him know it’s alright to not be on Twitter, but when I tried to make him get off he screamed something about a community fridge. So I think I might have lost him for good.”
Singh said he sees nothing wrong with his habits.
“Okay, some people might not be able to handle this much new information, but luckily I have found a great method for dealing with it,” he said. “I simply don’t actually absorb anything I read. It washes over and influences me, but it’s no big deal. Whatever it did to me will be undone within the minute, or however long it takes to watch a TikTok about hemming oversized jeans without using a sewing machine, or an infographic about microplastics. It’s all a great balancing act.”
At press time, Singh figured out that nothing in the universe means anything, but upon seeing a GIF of a prairie dog using a pistachio muffin as a pillow, realized that we all find our own meanings.