Like many Americans, I am awake at three in the goddamn morning in a seemingly endless anxiety loop. As I stare at my alarm clock…
SHEBOYGAN, Wis. — Local doom metal legend Ted Halverson, the skinsman for classic doom outfits such as Snore and Prophet Of Emptiness, recently admitted that…
DURHAM, N.C. — Local stoner metal aficionado Ennis Woltham is reportedly perplexing those around him by constantly using “Dopesmoker Listens” as a new time measurement…
They say you spend one-third of your life sleeping, but if you’re a chronic insomniac like me, you probably spend that third of your life…
RICHMOND, Va. — Local indie pop fan Damon Thomson successfully snuck a contraband thermos of Celestial Seasonings’ Sleepytime Tea past venue security to enjoy during…
PHILADELPHIA — Researchers at Johns Hopkins University confirmed the average American punk consumes a half-dozen cigarettes in their sleep throughout the year, according to a…
LA MESA, Calif. – A group of 38-year-olds attending last night’s Social Narcolepsy gig reportedly spent the entire show discussing the best route home, confirmed…
Are you feeling tired? Is your body failing you in strange ways? If you’re looking for the secret to youth and vitality, you’ve come to…
INDIANAPOLIS — Allegedly touring pop punk band Deaf Hippos is really blurring the line between actively playing shows outside their hometown and not having a…
NACOGDOCHES, Texas — Local 34-year-old Mark Finn was unsuccessful in his attempts to woo a woman into meeting up no-strings for sexual intercourse by texting…
PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Andrew Fetzer attempted to deceive friends by crudely marking his hands with a sharpie to hide that he’s been relaxing at…
EVANSTON, Ill. — Economists at North Western University published a new study this week showing a single parent of two must distribute their collective bargaining…
KALAMAZOO, Mich. — A skeleton mistaken for a seasonal decoration at a local library is suspected to be an architectural ploy designed to prevent houseless…
Did we just discover a real life Freddy Krueger? This high school janitor from Springwood, Ohio totally got his ass kicked by some teens. Wild!…
IDAHO FALLS, Idaho — Local man and recent entrepreneur Shawn Roberts revealed a pillow he invented while stoned off his ass early yesterday morning which…