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Aging Punk Celebrates New Year’s Eve On Whatever Time Zone Gets Him In Bed By 10 p.m.

AUSTIN, Texas — Aging punk Sean Dennings shocked the local community when he swapped a New Year’s Eve rager for a quiet night at home, on whatever time zone got him in bed by 10 p.m., confirmed sources who plan on drinking for the next 48 hours.

“I hate staying up late, nothing good happens after 8 p.m. and I’d honestly rather wake up early so I can have my morning smoke while the air is still crisp,” Dennings admitted. “I’m going to celebrate New Year’s Eve on Icelandic time if that means I get to bed at a reasonable hour. I’m almost 40 and my bones feel thin like ancient papyrus or single-ply toilet paper. They ache and creak now. If I don’t get a full eight hours of sleep, they will probably disintegrate into a pile of dust and rubble.”

Dennings’ friend of ten years, Hayley Vail describes him as a reformed party boy who’s traded his New Year’s Eves of debauchery and stolen street signs with lavender room spray, bedtime yoga, and the quiet crafting of a vision board.

“This man once moshed in the nude on NYE to a Green Day cover band,” Vail reminisced. “He use to be crazy, down for anything. One year he pissed his pants and shat himself, twice and then rode the bus across town as a joke. Another, he got a tattoo of Captain Crunch on his lower back and then smashed a beer can on his tattoo artist’s head. Sean was chaos back then. It’s insane to see how much he’s changed. Now, you won’t find him within 10 square miles of a bar past 7 p.m. on New Year’s. He’s truly transformed into a decrepit old man who would sell his withered body to score some REM sleep if he could.”

Sociologist Jane Herald says research shows that once they reach age 30, most punks will lose their ability to stay awake for more than an hour after dinner.

“This is actually a very common occurrence,” Herald confirmed. “We have found that punks fall asleep much faster and much earlier once they turn 30. Those who were once able to go on a 36-hour bender are immediately overcome by the need to lie in bed. It’s like a switch is flipped and an inherent desire to purchase an ergonomic pillow is awakened. From there, we’ll usually see a decline in attendance to social events that take place once the sun sets, and a significant increase in heartburn. This plays a crucial role in the punk’s New Year’s Eve Plans.”

Dennings said he plans on celebrating his next NYE countdown on Singapore time so that he has plenty of time before bed to soak in the bath and wind down with some Angry Birds.