SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Self-proclaimed alpha male, Jared Andrews, suffered a nervous breakdown last week when attempting to eat a banana without looking “gay,” authorities…
LONG BEACH, Calif.—Aspiring musician Keith Brown’s practice space was transformed from a once-fun jam area to an utterly sexless dungeon, sources sadly confirmed. “Welcome to…
BOSTON — The Solar Eclipse, expected to be visible later today, admitted he got super hard just thinking about how many people would be staring…
If you’re reading this, it’s too late. Wingstop forgot to put ranch in the bag. The only part of your meal that mattered. Obviously the…
SEATTLE, Wash. — Newly sober punk Dustin Patterson swore off alcohol after he experienced his first-ever bowel movement with a single, clean wipe, confirmed sources…
NEW YORK — Local man Doug Clearing has been accused of shouting his relationship problems into friend Lewis Samson’s ear during the band Mudd Butt’s…
It took me years to finally quit smoking. I’m really proud of myself. I’ve pretty much lost the desire to smoke altogether. Unless of course…
The new year is almost here and it’s time to pick a resolution that has value, which means you need a resolution that will piss…
AUSTIN, Texas — Aging punk Sean Dennings shocked the local community when he swapped a New Year’s Eve rager for a quiet night at home,…
Listen, I know I can be a jerk sometimes, but there was absolutely no reason that the Ghost of Christmas Past had to bother me…
So you’re unemployed for the holidays. Bummer. You might be starting to wonder how you’re going to afford Christmas gifts this year. I mean, you…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk dog Rex Pistols reportedly refuses to eat anything but Doc Martens boots, puzzled sources confirmed. “Hell no, I’m not eating…