Press "Enter" to skip to content

Old Band Tee Retires On Wall At Overpriced Vintage Shop

LOS ANGELES — A beloved old band tee officially retired from his wild lifestyle of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll for a prime-time spot on the wall of an overpriced vintage shop, jealous sources confirmed.

“Some people say I’m a sellout, but I think it’s about time I made my way from mosh pits to posh mitts,” the old band tee said as he flicked his cigarette into the gutter. “I’ve seen enough group sex and dive bar toilets for two lifetimes. I’m ready to call it quits on this wall, where I’ll be sold for five times the price I was originally purchased for to someone who has no idea what band I represent. I think I earned this cushy gig. Long-gone are my days of being puked on and worn by dudes during their arrests. I’m more than happy to spend my golden years hanging on the frail shoulders of a poser who has a little desk job and drinks wellness shots.”

Sidney Clanes, owner of Dumpster Fire Vintage, thinks the overpriced tee will easily sell for $150 or more in her shop.

“I’m putting this vintage Strokes shirt up front and center, right next to the wide-brimmed hats,” Clanes said proudly. “I’m praying it will go to a good, indie sleaze-loving home. I swear to God, I wish I had a dollar for every influencer who thinks I’m hitting on them when I ask if they liked ‘Meet Me in the Bathroom.’ I refuse to sell this to anyone who can’t name at least one Strokes album, but I might make an exception if they’re wearing four or more chunky silver rings on each hand.”

The Strokes’ manager Rian Yang says the band is flattered by the excitement surrounding a third-party reseller of their 2001 tour tee.

“The sentiment means a lot to the boys, but we’d like to emphasize how much better it would be if fans purchased these items directly through the official website,” said Yang before handing us his card. “We have a BOGO deal going right now: buy one album, get a shirt for $74. Don’t forget to use the new Strokes filter on TikTok, as well. It uses AI to give you side bangs, skinny jeans, and a Marlboro in your mouth.”

The old band tee was reportedly purchased within 45 minutes, alongside a pair of $200 jorts for a retro “Coachella fit.”