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Study Shows Millennials Have Eaten Enough Pop-Tarts And Bagel Bites To Completely Preserve Their Bodies Up To 100 Years After Death

PALO ALTO, Calif. — A recent study from Stanford University concluded that millennials have eaten enough Pop-Tarts and Bagel Bites to completely preserve their bodies up to 100 years after death without intervention.

“I grew up eating frozen food you could cook in a microwave in less than 3 minutes, so it’s wild to hear that those poor decisions would result in a super gorgeous corpse,” says millennial Kelsey Greene. “As a ‘90s kid, I’d get home from school and gorge myself on Bagel Bites, Hot Pockets, and Cheez-Its, then wash it all down with a tropical punch Capri Sun. This was way before we knew how much Red40, preservatives and hormones were being pumped into those snacks, and well before that time when they found a rat in a Capri Sun pouch. I used to think Pop-Tarts were healthy because they had a strawberry filling–I had no idea I was ingesting formaldehyde the whole time. I guess it’ll be nice to get a deal on after death services, though. I’m still paying off my student loans so I need all the breaks I can get.”

Molecular biologist Sonia Heraldo explained that the diet of a millennial child was akin to a chihuahua taking elephant tranquilizers.

“It took a couple of decades to see the effect of preservatives on the human body, but now it’s glaringly obvious,” Heraldo said. “I mean, have you seen that haunting photo of the ‘Cheers’ cast? That entire cast was in their mid-thirties, which is insane when you think about what a millennial looks like today. Genetically speaking, millennials have not aged normally, and have more in common with a plastic bucket than a human being. In fact, the number of microplastics found in their bloodstream guarantees that their bodies will be preserved for up to a full century after they die. It’s quite incredible. Just imagine what archaeologists will be able to learn from these exquisitely fossilized bodies thousands of years from now!”

Mortician Jasmine Kargas described a recent millennial cadaver that came into her practice after a car accident as “handsome.”

“Even after the traumatic physical event the body endured, his organs remained perfectly intact, like the kind you’d see in a textbook,” Kargas said. “Thank god we knew what caused his death, otherwise there would be no rational explanation. I didn’t even need to apply makeup to the body, except to cover up the huge gash left by a piece of windshield lodged into the left side of his head. To be honest, the corpse looked beautiful—like an Evanescence album cover or a Renaissance painting. Even with exposure to the elements, I think this generation’s bodies will outlive us all.”

As of press time, Greene declined to adopt a vegan diet as she felt the food from her childhood was one of the “only good hands she’d ever been dealt.”