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Health Kick Lasts Record-Breaking Two Meals In A Row

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local man Seth Beaudreault achieved the longest health kick of any American trying to eat better, breaking the world record with an incredible two healthy meals in a row, astonished sources confirmed.

“Every time I try to eat healthier I usually eat one good meal and then ‘reward’ myself by eating one or two sleeves of Oreos,” said Beaudreault proudly posing for his official Guinness Book of World Records photo. “But this time around I crushed it, I ate two whole meals with something green in them. I even managed to sneak in a healthy grain and I didn’t eat a Family Sized bag of Skittles in between meals. I’ve never felt more refreshed, and I kind of wish everyone else could experience it It’s kind of like being reborn, as if I’ve reached Nirvana and can finally fit into my ‘skinny’ jeans. I’m probably gonna celebrate this win with literally anything from the Arby’s menu. Wash it down with an ice cold chocolate milkshake. Diet starts Monday and only God can judge me.”

Beaudreault ’s pediatrician, Jill Weathers, has been trying to drop him off her patient roster for over a decade without luck.

“Seth has been coming to my office for 12 years now, and he refuses to see a doctor for adults due to trust issues and the lack of fun bandaids,” said Weathers wearily. “However, I’m delighted to hear that he has been eating healthy. I’ve only known him to survive on things like Top Ramen and Taco Bell, so this is truly a feat. Especially after they introduced that new Cheez-It Crunchwrap Supreme. I’ve been worried about his digestive health, so this development gives me hope that Seth will want to make a lasting lifestyle change. Two days in a row is an eternity for a man like Seth—you know, the kind of guy that thinks Panera Bread is the epitome of clean eating.”

Tiktok-famous nutritionist Ben “Ate and Left No Crumbs” Triste says he’s worried that Beaudreault ’s world record may be encouraging others to jump on fad diets.

“This ‘health kick’ is really concerning to me when we’re already watching every celebrity and their grandma get on Ozempic—that commercial jingle will haunt me into eternity,” said Triste as his eyes rolled back into his head. “I mean good for this Seth guy, but honestly I can’t take another health-related fad. Gwyneth has given us enough yoni realness and insane wellness advice for two lifetimes, we don’t need to add a two-day health kick to the mix. When people make real life changes like cooking more, consuming less sugar, and drinking more than one glass of water a day, that’s when they see a real change. But I mean, go off, king! Eat! Literally.”

At press time, Beaudreault says he might hold off on attempting another health kick until next month, or until someone invents churro-flavored vegetables.