Good morning! Oh, right. Sorry. We know there’s nothing worse than the morning after a night out. Splitting headaches, whiskey sweats, missing work to spend…
LOS ANGELES — Local fuckup Jerry Millwater’s 2021 New Year’s resolution of “practice more self-care” is concerned about its upcoming fight with the overwhelming force…
LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Local crust punk Skye Mathtison is leaning hard into self-help culture for 2021, pinning pictures of his deepest desires of the dirtiest…
2020 has been the worst year of my life, slightly beating out 2019, which surpassed 2018. Actually, now that I think about it, every year…
OKLAHOMA CITY — Local punk Gary Trentson is recycling his New Year’s resolution for Lent this year after failing miserably on his initial attempt back…
GENEVA, Ill. — Local man and self-described electronic leash cutter Lucas Roberts is now on a door-to-door journey to tell every American that he quit…
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Local Nintendo Ring Fit user Dan Remington expressed frustration at the massively increased number people playing Ring Fit Adventure this month,…
LINCOLN, Neb. — Local gamer Cal Huckaby has postponed the announcement of his highly anticipated new year’s resolution until an unspecified date later in the…
YOUR FRIEND’S LIVING ROOM — Multiple sources at the party you’re currently attending confirmed that it would be “totally weird” if we were to kiss…
Before we start eating, I’d just like to say what we’re all thinking. This is our first Christmas without Uncle Randy. Obviously, we all dearly…
WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. — Local punk band The Gutter Owls were forced to push their New Year’s Eve headlining set from 11:59 p.m. to 12:30…
EARTH, Milky Way Galaxy — 2017 announced its resignation as our current year earlier today amidst numerous allegations of gross misconduct. “I’ve let a lot…
Feeling overly confident after having just completed his first “Fundamentals of Boxing” class at Park Street Gym, local man Lance Bennett is reportedly hoping someone…
NEW YORK — The Democratic National Committee officially offered to help the organizers of the New Year’s Eve festivities in Times Square drop the ball…
SACRAMENTO, Calif. – Local straight edge couple Garret Curley and Kristina Rettig made a valiant effort to stay up until midnight to watch the ball…