OKLAHOMA CITY — Local punk Gary Trentson is recycling his New Year’s resolution for Lent this year after failing miserably on his initial attempt back in January, continually disappointed friends reported.
“It’s all part of God’s plan,” Trentson said while rubbing his beer belly. “My resolution was to give up alcohol for 12 whole months after a bunch of my friends cornered me and gave me the idea while I was incoherently drunk one Tuesday night. I started off strong, but I accidentally celebrated my first full week of sobriety by getting absolutely hammered. After several congratulatory Tecates, it hit me that I could just give the whole sobriety thing another go for Lent, so I threw my hands up and busted out the whiskey.”
“Also, as someone who fears actual commitment, 40 days is a much more manageable timeframe to give up a potentially life-ruining habit,” Trentson continued. “After these 40 days are up, I’ll probably get blackout drunk at my sister’s house on Easter again this year. Just like Jesus would’ve wanted.”
Trentson’s friends, while supportive, do not have high hopes for his success.
“Gary is not even religious,” said longtime friend Judy Frugler. “And we’re all rooting for him, but he typically gives up on goals at the first sign of discomfort. Last year his resolution was to start going to the gym, but then curiously gave up the gym for Lent that same year. His half-assed excuse was that Jesus never exercised or drank protein shakes, so he shouldn’t either. One year later, and he’s still ‘abstaining’ from physical activity.”
Members of the clergy have long documented the religious observance.
“The tradition of Lent began after Jesus fasted for 40 days in the woods as his way of getting off the grid,” said local “cool” pastor Jeremiah Yonder. “Today we simulate Jesus’ sacrifice by giving up substances like alcohol, smoking, or chocolate for that same duration… and also not eating meat on Fridays, because historically, Jesus was more of a seafood guy. Then on Easter, we go right back to our old self-destructive patterns as if we learned nothing. Jesus died for our vices, after all.”
At press time, Trentson had already bailed on his Lent responsibilities and vowed to give it another shot for “Sober October.”