COLUMBUS, Ohio —Notoriously weird bands Primus and Puscifer announced a joint headlining show at an upcoming Unbearable Tinder Date Convention which expects to draw thousands of longwinded men, sources already groaning sarcastically report.
“I am over the moon to be partnering with Primus, the beacons of annoying men everywhere, to share our collective genius with the prestigious attendees of this fine convention,” said Puscifer frontman Maynard James Keenan. “For too long the public has been bereft of our joint sounds, the mingling of ideas, the Venn Diagram between high-concept alternative rock and funk metal. While I am notoriously disgusted with contemporary celebrity culture, I cannot deny my excitement to be working so closely with Mr. Claypool, as he is a legend among stoners and snobs alike. What an incredible opportunity.”
Those who have purchased tickets for the convention are already expressing their excitement for the headlining bands.
“I put $65 to the side every week, which is the money I saved by not going on dates, in order to buy tickets for this convention. I was already excited by the thought of meeting like-minded men who are unlucky in love, but this addition has me over the moon,” said 38-year old Louis Saulter while rearranging his katana collection and taking a hit from a “Rick and Morty” bong. “This is going to give me material to talk over my Bumble date about for the next six months, easy. I plan on recording both sets in their entirety and reviewing the footage before meeting any ladies at the local sushi buffet, just so each detail is fresh. She’s going to be an expert on their discographies by the time she walks out on me.”
Relationship counselor Katherine Kowalski provided her expert insight regarding bands of this nature.
“Listen, in my practice, I have a binder of what I refer to as ‘red flag’ bands,” said Kowalski while gesturing to a massively overstuffed three-ring binder. “I spend a lot of time with young people sussing out potential partners explaining to them that any guy who shows up to a first date wearing a Tool shirt is going to be a waste of time. Or any Maynard project, frankly, even though Puscifer is somehow the most palatable of them all. The men going to this convention don’t stand a chance.”
At press time, Saulter was seen livestreaming the daily feeding of his pet iguana.