PHILADELPHIA – Researchers at Temple University found that most Americans are using their precious few vacation days to sit on hold and argue with medical billing offices, according to a new study.
“I was actually conducting a different phone survey during my holiday break, but almost every time someone answered, they said they were on the other line with an insurance company,” said Davina Lindsey, a researcher at Temple. “It seemed like the only people who picked up were just relieved to talk to a real person after hours of soul-crushing hold music. And everyone had the same reason: this vacation was their only time to decipher the cryptic logic behind a denied claim. So, I shifted my focus here because that kind of nightmare means grant money, baby!”
Grady Lester, a local business owner enjoying his only real time off this year, experienced exactly this phenomenon.
“The Christmas-to-New Year’s window is the only peace I get. Finally, a time when no employees or clients are calling. So, of course, I’m spending it quarreling over my once-in-a-lifetime blood work being labeled ‘medically unnecessary,’” said Lester. “I only agreed to the doctor’s test because the urgent care nurse scared me with talk of imminent death. It turns out I’m not dying, just bleeding financially. I’ve learned my lesson, though. The next time I’m feeling gravely ill, I’ll do what my childhood dog did and sneak into the woods to die for free.”
Bria Rose, a representative for a health insurance company, expressed clarity about what is happening here.
“I just took this job to pay my own medical bills. I know my role–I’m a human roadblock designed to waste enough of your time that you’ll give up and pay. I can wait out anyone long enough that they’ll ask themselves, ‘why am I doing this?’ as they notice their child looking a little older than they remember,” said Rose as she felt another small piece of her soul escape her body. “I’m not sure I’d call it a healthcare ‘system’ exactly. As far as I can tell, claim denials are mostly decided at random. And they’re really just hoping that you don’t have enough PTO to afford the dispute before your deductible resets next year.”
At press time, an additional study revealed most remaining vacation time is used checking work emails to avoid being overwhelmed the moment you’re back in the office.