DURHAM, N.C. — Local stoner metal aficionado Ennis Woltham is reportedly perplexing those around him by constantly using “Dopesmoker Listens” as a new time measurement standard, sources confirmed while rolling their eyes.
“Dude, it’s a perfectly acceptable unit of time. If you’re running late, you just let the person know ‘I’ll be there in three listens of Dopsmoker.’ Or, say you’re a cinephile, well then you can complain that ‘back in my day, a movie got its point across in a Dopesmoker listen and a half.’ See what I mean?” said Woltham, without a trace of irony. “People act like I’m out of my mind, but I can see it catching on within the week…336 Dopesmoker listens, tops, even.”
Acquaintances of Woltham were reportedly puzzled across the board, citing the lack of specificity and context.
“The problem with it, besides the utter uselessness of the whole thing, is that he doesn’t specify whether he means just the span of the Sleep song or the entire album…and if it’s the album, what pressing?” said Woltham’s coworker Warren Zarves. “It might not seem like much of a difference, but those 10 or so extra minutes can, and do, make a difference. Especially in Ennis’ and my jobs as EMT ambulance drivers. Between you and me, he’s caused a lot of extra bleeding across town.”
Sleep bassist and singer Al Cisneros is reportedly wholeheartedly in favor of his fan’s quest.
“Confusing or not, it’s a great branding opportunity for us. Glad to know an album we put out 20 years—I’m sorry let me do the math, here…175,200 Dopesmoker listens ago can still be in the public eye,” said Cisneros. “I fully endorse what this guy’s trying to do. Although, I do hope he knows we have other albums, too. Why stop at time? Let’s figure out how many Dopesmoker listens are in an ounce, or a mile…how many Dopesmoker listens of flour do you put in a batch of cookies? Alright, I’m pretty zooted.”
It was revealed shortly after press time that Woltham’s turntable has been stuck on 78 RPM for years, and he has been listening to a chipmunk-like 12-minute version of the album the whole time.