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Aging Doom Metal Drummer Not Able To Play as Slow as They Used To

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. — Local doom metal legend Ted Halverson, the skinsman for classic doom outfits such as Snore and Prophet Of Emptiness, recently admitted that he can no longer play as slow as he used to in his younger days, sources in the tight-knit doom community confirm.

“I’m embarrassed to even say it out loud, but I just don’t have the same slow chops I used to have when I was twenty-two,” confessed the fifty-three-year-old Halverson. “I’m lucky if I can even get halfway through a tune at 50 bpm without my damn arthritis flaring up. Nowadays I’m really only able to play at super-quick AC/DC or Aerosmith tempos with ease. I’m not a fan of black metal, but at this rate, pretty soon that’s the only genre I will be able to play!”

Brandt Magnussen, the lead guitarist and main songwriter of Snore, shared his frustrations about Halverson’s ever-increasing percussive tempos.

“Look, Ted is one of my best friends. We’ve been writing music together for decades,” said Magnussen. “But it’s frustrating when you’re rehearsing a song you’ve played a million times, only to have the drummer finish the song by the time you’ve only completed the first measure! We’re not a bunch of speed demons like the Eagles or Fleetwood Mac. We’re Snore! Either Ted finds a way to slow it down, or we may have to part ways.”

Drumming expert and general medical practitioner, Dr. Audrey Featherswallow, lent her expertise to provide some education and hope for Halverson.

“In my opinion, Mr. Halverson has nothing to worry about,” noted Featherswallow. “As a doctor and a percussionist for most of my life, I have treated many aging doom metal drummers, and a reduction in sluggish drumming is a very common and treatable ailment. There are pills he can take for that kind of thing. About thirty minutes before he has to perform, he can simply take the medicine and he will be solid as a rock for the next couple hours at least.”

At press time, Halverson decided to get medication for his performance issues and has since become a spokesman for tempo-inadequate doom drummers entering their golden years.