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If That’s What It Takes To Get a Weekly Gig Playing Guitar, Then Yes, I Am Very Christian

“The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away.” I have no idea what that statement means, but that’s what the vocalist of my previous band said as the cops cuffed him and booked him for selling counterfeit pacemakers. But his last words and the following 2 years of gig-less life made me realize something.

The Lord needs to giveth me a new gig playing guitar somewhere, anywhere. Pronto. I truly have no other employable skills.

So anyways, that’s why I think you need me in your worship band. Because not only do I shred, I’m also totally like, really Christian. So Christian it will make your head spin. Wait, are you guys Catholic? Is that different? Regardless, I’m whatever you are. Amen.

I’ve watched a lot of Joel Osteen while stoned, so I know that if you pray every day, you get to keep a fabulous mop of hair well into your 50’s. God is good all the time. Except before 11am, I never wake up before then. Will that be a problem?

I definitely went to Sunday school. I even vaguely remember being confirmed, whatever that means. I haven’t actually been to church physically since then, but that’s just because I believe God is everywhere! Right? That’s a thing?

I was also wondering if this church is the pro-Trump Christian or the anti-Trump Christian kind. I don’t care either way, I just don’t want to commit a faux pas on my first day. I’m flexible!

I’ve also been brainstorming some new band names for when I join. Here are just a few I came up with: The Book of Shred, The Gospel According to Rock, and Nü Testament. Mull them over and let me know which you like the best so my buddy who does screenprinting can get started on merch.

I just bought a new reverb pedal with a shimmer effect that sounds like God welcoming you into heaven to sip Mai Tais with Prince and Bea Arthur. But I also have a sick fuzz pedal that sounds like Old Testament God telling you to gut your kid on a rock for no reason. I’m a very versatile musician ready to spread the good news of Steve Vai. Oh, and the Lord.

Lastly, I’m going to need to take a vacation day for Yom Kippur. Hope that’s chill.