Van Thieves Thwarted by Band’s Insistence on Using Peavey, Epiphone Gear

Posted on by John Danek

DENVER — Tooth Rust, a punk band on their first nationwide tour, was spared from robbery yesterday because of their Peavey, Epiphone, and other undesirable brands of equipment, the relieved band confirmed.

“What a waste of time. We’ve been scoping this venue for days, ready to rob one of these chump bands blind,” said a crestfallen Skyler Merrick, one of the would-be burglars. “But we never considered the possibility that a touring band might use cheap, unsellable gear that even a high school music department would reject. Imagine how our hearts sank upon seeing Peavey Valveking heads, sweat-soaked Epiphone Les Pauls, and a shit-ton of Behringer pedals. Behringers are barely worth the raw materials they’re made of.”

“It’s difficult days like this that make me question my childhood dreams of stealing from small-time bands,” lamented Merrick.

Tooth Rust’s rhythm guitarist and vocalist Marky Benn defended his band’s gear choices.

“Well, sorry if we don’t have rich parents like a lot of the bands in our scene. This is the best we could afford, and we actually like our gear,” argued Benn. “Peaveys are cheap and easy to fix, and no one can tell the difference between a Behringer and a Strymon reverb when cranked in a piss-soaked bar basement. So get over yourselves.”

“But in a big picture sort of way, it woulda been nice if someone did run off with all our shit,” admitted bassist Krya Farth. “We could’ve had a Kickstarter and finally get real Gibsons and Mesa/Boogie heads and JHS pedals. That’s why I left the van unlocked in the first place.”

A spokesperson for Peavey Electronics challenged the notion that their products are ear-splitting garbage.

“Our engineers have devoted their lives to creating the perfect American guitar amplifier,” explained Peavey Director of Marketing Sarah Todd. “We set out to create a guitar tone so similar to a garbage disposal that the product itself becomes its own security system — no one will steal your Peavey head, because no one wants it. That is the Peavey guarantee.”

Rumors are circulating that at their next tour stop, members of Tooth Rust laid a trail of dollar bills from the main thoroughfare to the open backdoor of their van.

Gaetz Urges DeSantis to Reconsider Ban on Mask Mandates in Urgent Push to Save Eyes Wide Shut Party

Posted on by Dianne Nora

TALLAHASSEE — Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz issued an impassioned call for Governor Ron DeSantis to revoke his ban on mask mandates early this morning in a desperate attempt to protect his upcoming Eyes Wide Shut party.

“With all due respect to the Governor, he’s really not considering the people who could be hurt by this ban on mask mandates, but masks are about way more than preventing the spread of disease” Gaetz stated. “His rash decision could put the young people of Florida at risk of missing out on some seriously kinky shit. There’s just no getting around it: masks keep us safe, particularly those of us who’ve got the Feds breathing down our necks and who also maybe want to keep their anonymity in case they run into someone from the post office or other place in their kind of small town when they’re just trying to unwind after a long week.”

Faye Barnes, a Jacksonville business owner who specializes in elaborate Venetian masks for sexual exploration, says that DeSantis’s ban has done considerable damage to Florida businesses like her own.

“Ron DeSantis should know that the purveyors of kink accessories in his state have deep ties to Florida politicians and business leaders, so he can expect to hear from us,” Barnes said. “Without going into detail, I can reassure you that many important people, from the statehouse to the clergy, want to be able to enforce masking rules at our elite private sex clubs. It can really go a long way in helping to set a scene. Don’t let the likes of Matt Gaetz fool you. We generally include only the classiest set of anonymous sex enthusiasts.”

Aiden Mosley, a sex researcher and the University of Florida, agreed that DeSantis’s ban would have far-reaching effects on masked sex parties across the state.

“The Governor is playing with fire with this mask mandate, and not in the fun, consensual way that arouses a small but not insignificant number of Floridians,” Mosley confirmed. “Banning mask mandates could leave thousands across the state with only their girlfriends to have intercourse with. Or, in the most desperate scenarios, this ban may force some to have sex with their own wives.”

At press time, Gaetz added that while masks sometimes make it harder to tell a six from a nine, that was the sort of sacrifice we all need to make right now for the safety of our communities.

Photo credit: Gage Skidmore 

Opinion: Not All Slendermen

Posted on by Dan Rice

In recent years, our cultural landscape has gained a newfound focus on accountability, and I fully support that shift. Seeing people in power held responsible for abusing their authority fills me with as much justice and hope as the next corporeal being. And I will concede that far too often these offenders are men, and sure, a percentage of these toxic males are Slendermen. But it’s important that we keep our fever in check, lest we find ourselves shifting into a new type of bigotry. I am here to say #NotAllSlendermen,

Yes, it is true that some Slendermen have engaged in deplorable activities, and those Slendermen should be removed from any position of authority and punished to the full extent of the law. But if you go by the media’s current portrayal of us, we’re all like that! It’s just getting out of hand.

Just look at the Slender representation in any movie, television show or creepy-pasta in the last decade. The Slendermale is always the antagonist. He never has a job or a family that he supports. He is always killing, convincing others to kill as proxies in his name, or using his bizarre tentacles to commit, at best, semi-consensual erotic acts.

You will never flip on the tube and see a Slenderman using those things to play upsies with his two beautiful children, which I am currently doing.

Yes, I am a Slenderman. I am also an ally, a family man, and an active member of my community. I would never raise a hand or weird back tentacle thingy to my wife or any of my children. I am a responsible dog owner. My annual block party is legendary, and the tentacles really come in handy on the grill. Where is my representation? Why am I always made to feel like the villain when all I want to do is help make a better world for my daughters?

Now, if you do not copy and paste this article to 20 friends, I will come for you. You will begin to see me everywhere, I will invade your dreams, I will gaslight you until everyone who loves you thinks that you are insane and then I will move in for the kill. I will shove my hideous ink-blood covered tentacles into every orifice on your body and I will strangle every one of your internal organs at the same time.

Not literally! That’s just how we talk! You would know that if there were more grounded portrayals on Slendermen in the media.

You have seven days.

Silver Lining: Woman Who Chose to Not Have Kids No Longer Forced to Explain Why

Posted on by Krissy Howard

BILLINGS, Mont. — Childless freak by choice Shelby Van Camp recognized yesterday that the silver lining to the colossal shitshow that is life right now was the fact that she will no longer require talking points when asked about her reproductive decision.

“The world is literally burning, and I think it’s important to find the positive side to things since no one can count on any real measures on a large, responsible enough level to actually be taken,” Van Camp stated. “I know for a lot of my friends the silver lining recently has been discovering baking or taking a year off from dating, but for me, it’s the fact that basically no one bothers me about deciding not to subject another living thing to this hellscape nightmare world anymore. They just seem to get it.”

Van Camp, who for some reason has found herself explaining her very personal choice to friends, family, and strangers for nearly 20 years, credits the COVID-19 pandemic with her welcome reprieve.

“I think quarantine forced a lot of Americans to slow down, open their minds, and consider what life is actually like for millions of people who aren’t exactly like them, here and all over the world,” the affront to human nature continued. “Once you get a look at something like that, I guess someone’s decision that has literally nothing to do with you just doesn’t matter as much. Now when I tell people I don’t want kids, they can’t even muster up a ‘why?’ It’s only one syllable and they somehow stop mid-word, then just look off into the distance and kind of just nod yes.”

Professor of psychology who’s “pretty sure Van Camp will be humming a different tune when she hits her late 30s,” Dr. Robert Whalen, couldn’t help but chime in.

“Ms. Van Camp is probably just going through something, like a bad break up or work stress or something. Or maybe she just hasn’t met the right person yet,” Dr. Whalen stated. “And although it’s not my job or place at all to figure it out, I will definitely try to. I mean, she is a woman, so what the fuck? It’s your job to reproduce, moron. I heard she has a dog, so it’s not like she can’t feed something… it just doesn’t make sense.”

At press time, thousands of parents attempting to drop their children off to school in time for an active shooter drill the next morning couldn’t recall why they did have kids, not that they were asked.

We Caught up With LFO’s Summer Girls To See if They Ended up Pressing Charges

Posted on by Tiana Miller

Every summer, pop culture blesses us with an anthem sure to become the musical marker for all our favorite memories that year. For better or for worse, these songs become the soundtrack to our summers. One of the most notable of these hits, LFO’s “Summer Girls,” goes a step further, listing literal items of pertinent nostalgia right in the lyrics. Profoundly lazy songwriting aside, this little ditty also boasts a music video that depicts the Summer Girls who inspired the song, constantly getting catcalled or unexpectedly picked up and danced on by the boys in LFO. Anyway, we caught up with the Summer Girls to see if any of them ever pressed charges.

The Hard Times: Thank you for agreeing to do this. First off, we want to make sure you’re comfortable. Is there anything you don’t want us to bring up?

Summer Girls: Chinese food. That bottom-shelf boyband couldn’t just harass us, they had to permanently tie our favorite cuisine to horrible memories of our worst summer ever. It’s weird what trauma does to the brain.

Noted. Your strength throughout all of this has been incredible. Why don’t we start by talking about the summer in question?

We were playing summer rec league volleyball when 3 adult men suddenly began sing-rapping at us. Last week my primary concern was my parents’ recent separation, now I have to deal with horny grown-ups with frosted tips and I’m expected to know who The New Kids on the Block were.

That must have been jarring.

We’ll never forget how the blonde one stood there in front of us, cotton white shirt flowing in the summer breeze, truly expecting our braces-wearing asses to know who Larry Bird was.

That must have made you feel so uncomfortable. Do you recall anything else?

You know, we really can’t remember everything that happened that day because we were busy being traumatized.

Did you ever receive any compensation?

No, we didn’t. But who cares? Everyone focuses on that. Not the psychological damage that was done to us and all the girls on the beach that day. Not all the years in therapy or the flashbacks that make us feel unsafe going out in public. This is bigger than just financial compensation.

We would just like to say we are very sorry that this happened to you.

Thank you so much! Honestly just sharing our side of the story is such a relief.

Yeah, for sure. So what are your thoughts on O-Town?

Circle Pit Transforms into Much Appreciated Massage Train

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — A normally violent, freewheeling circle pit at a recent all-ages show suddenly transitioned into a tranquil, toxin-eliminating massage train that encompassed nearly the entire crowd, refreshed sources confirmed.

“I was in the pit, really fucking shit up, when all of a sudden some jagoff grabs me by the shoulders. I’m about ready to turn around and slug him, but then he starts squeezing my chicken wings with just the right amount of pressure. I was pretty much putty in his hands,” said attendee Dina Paraskevi. “After landing crooked during a stage dive earlier, I definitely needed the rub. But then, someone asked me if they could get in on it… and next thing you know, we got a massage train going 50 heads deep.”

Fellow audience member and scene elder Steve “Booze” Crews called into question everything he knew about punk shows following the bizarre incident.

“It makes you wonder: why aren’t we doing this at every show? We all pile into these tiny-ass venues, listen to eardrum-blistering music, and thrash and bash into each other like low IQ chimps. If only we’d known we could’ve been kneading our fellow punks’ necks this whole time,” said Crews. “The typical angst of punk music also goes down much easier when you’re getting a trigger point massage from a burly skinhead with hands like a longshoreman.”

However, guitarist during the rubdown orgy Theresa Myers admitted she didn’t appreciate the sudden outbreak of therapeutic touch during her performance.

“I don’t know what it says about me, but I was angry the crowd stopped beating the piss from one another. No one is even sure why or how it started — it was like one of those old-timey dancing plagues,” said Myers. “The craziest part was, the guy that initiated the train remains a total mystery. Rumor has it, he even had acupuncture needles and was letting people take hits of cucumber water from his Camelbak… but when we looked for him after, it was like he’d vanished into thin air.”

Since the now legendary incident, there have been several unsubstantiated sightings of “massage man” throughout the country, allegedly spreading good vibes and working out punks’ knots from sea to shining sea.

Report: Fuck.

Posted on by Dianne Nora

NEW YORK — A major new climate report issued by the United Nations today confirms that shit is majorly fucked.

“The data is clear as fuck that global temperatures will rise significantly over the next thirty or so goddamn years, and that this rise can be attributed to several nations’ fucking failure to curb emissions,” said Hammad Bishop, one of the hundreds of global climate experts who co-authored the report. “Fucking hell.”

Global leaders took note that the report also stated that coordination and effort would be required to prevent complete fucking catastrophe.

“We’re really going to have to come together if we want even a fucking chance of surviving long-term on what’s left of this godforsaken fucking planet,” confirmed French President Emmanuel Macron. “This is going to take a level of fortitude, responsibility, and effort beyond anything recorded in human fucking history. Merde.”

While the report cites that the most drastic change will need to happen from the top-down, average citizens are also feeling the gravity of the news.

“I guess I kinda knew we were fucked,” said Queens, New York resident Marilyn Avalos. “Like I got that shit was pretty fucking shitty. I try to keep up with the news, and I thought we were at like, ‘holy shit’ level, but now that I see we’re at full-blown fuck, I’m really seeing I might need to change some shit the fuck up around here. ‘Cause looking at this? I’m like, ‘fuuuck.’”

At press time, Bishop added that he and several of his co-authors were working on a follow-up paper, titled “Fuck it all.”

Friend Carrying Round of Shots to Table Greeted like He Returned from War

Posted on by Dianne Nora

SAN DIEGO — Local man John Traeger was greeted to emotional cheers and cries of joy this week when he returned to his group of friends at Shooter’s Bar after purchasing a round of shots for the whole table.

“In the back of my mind, I always knew we’d see him again, but when I saw him approaching our table, with all that booze, I could barely keep it together,” said Carlos Diaz, a friend of Traeger’s who was present for his return. “He was out there, and he didn’t think about lines, or the cost, or what could happen. As soon as I saw him, I just wanted to hug him and never let go. It felt like no time at all had passed since he’d gone up to the bar, even though I’d been missing him every moment, praying he wouldn’t cheap out and get well whiskey.”

Bartender Sarah Goodwin, who recorded the emotional reunion, reported that she will never forget the look on the faces of Traeger’s friends when they saw him returning to their table.

“For most of us, we think about it a few times a year, on drinking-based holidays or maybe when we see a movie set in a bar,” Goodwin said. “But in my opinion, we don’t think enough about the sacrifice some make so the rest of us can live in inebriation. When I saw the looks on his friends’ faces — the relief knowing that he’d gotten enough for everyone to get trashed, I felt deeply that this was the type of moment that everyone should see. I only wish I could have been there to see his dog greet him when he crawled home that night after having been apart for those five whole hours.”

Camille Gutierrez, a sales representative for Jagermeister, said that fewer young people are taking the brave step to enlist in purchasing a full round these days.

“We do what we can to recruit young men and women into the service of getting their friends trashed, one overpriced ounce at a time,” Gutierrez explained. “But many millennials and members of generation Z don’t think about the freedom that service provides to immediately increase their blood alcohol level. Our world is changing, but we will never forget the great heroes who served drinks to their friends who were ‘will get you back next Friday, promise.’”

At press time, Traeger was headed back into action to pay the full tab on his card, trusting that his friends would be there to Venmo him on the other side.

Newly Single Man Brings CPAP Machine to Bar Just In Case

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

PHILADELPHIA — Newly single man Tim Donahue brought his CPAP machine to a bar yesterday evening in the event he might hook up upon returning to the nightlife scene for the first time in over a year, according to sources who appreciate the consideration.

“I’m not trying to be presumptuous or anything, it just never hurts to be prepared,” Donahue explained, gesturing to the gym bag overflowing with cords and tubes next to him. “I can see why some people might find this weird or off-putting, but my health has to come first. Sex or no sex, I don’t want to be over someone’s place and die because I stopped breathing in my sleep. It might be a little awkward fumbling around to put it on in the dark, but better safe than sorry.”

“Besides, it’s not like I wear the thing while we’re fucking,” he added.

Bar patrons and staff expressed a range of reactions from bemusement to outright confusion sources report.

“This guy was always coming here with a jug of water and a duffle bag. I thought he was homeless but when I finally asked and he explained, I sort of wish I had just minded my own business,” remarked bartender Jake Helms. “Maybe it’s me, but it kind of smacks of desperation. When I asked why didn’t he just invite people back to his place or just leave after the sex, he told me he was staying with a friend while he was apartment hunting, and he thought it was rude to not at least offer to stay the night. I’m not sure how ‘huge snoring problem’ isn’t the perfect excuse to leave after, but whatever.”

Relationship experts note that while these developments may seem strange, it ultimately reflects a new health conscious population in the post-COVID era.

“I’m not a health expert, but I don’t think one night without the machine would be that bad,” noted relationship expert, Dan Savage. “If he does insist upon bringing that thing, make it fun and turn it into a role playing game, like you’re hooking up with an android or a coma patient. I suppose it’s not the worst thing though. I once hooked up with a guy in an iron lung and the noises from that thing kept me up all night.”

At press time, Donahue had met a willing sexual partner but had to stop at a 24-hour pharmacy to pick up an air purifier.

Ranking All of the Cigarettes in the Pack Dad Made Me Smoke Because He Caught Me Stealing a Pall Mall

Posted on by V.F. Thompson

Well, the only man busted us trying to make off with one of his precious Pall Malls, and true to form he’s being all old school about it. He told us we have to smoke a whole pack right in front of him now. I thought parents stopped doing this shit in like the ‘50s!

Whatever, I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I take down the last one cool as a cucumber. Here we go!

1. Hell yeah. Joke’s on you, Dad, I bet I look cool as hell with this dart hanging from my lower lip. Sure, it doesn’t taste great, but the other kids would flip if they saw what a badass I am. I haven’t even coughed once.

2. Okay, sure, this one doesn’t have the novelty factor of being my first smoke, but I still feel pretty darn cool. When Jimmy’s older sister gave him one, he couldn’t even smoke half of it. What a loser.

3. I’m fine. It’s fine. This is fine. It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s fine.

4. Alright. I’ll admit it. These are starting to taste pretty bad. But I’m no quitter. I’m not about to let the old man see me cry over some crummy cigarettes.

5. I should have just gone for the liquor cabinet.

6. Ugh. Gosh. I wonder if I should have gone for Mom’s menthols instead. I think those are supposed to be minty?

7. I started coughing pretty bad on this one, and my eyes are watering a little bit. Dad just laughed at me and told me to get him a beer.

8. This one really hurt.

9. This one hurt even worse.

10. Okay. Halfway there. I can do this. I can do this.

11. Oh God. Why did I think this was a good idea? I’m never going to smoke again.

12. These are so bad. This is so bad. Why would anyone touch these things?

13. I’m starting to feel a little jittery. Is this nicotine? Can you get nicotine poisoning?

14. Alright. Alright. Alright. I can do this.

15. Maybe I can’t do this.

16. I asked Dad if I could stop and he just grinned and said “You’re not gonna try this again any time soon, huh
sport?” and then made me get him another High Life.

17. I feel like I’m going to die.

18. I’m definitely going to die.

19. I’m coughing really really bad now. Dad said if I throw up on the carpet, he’ll rub my face in it. I’m so close. I can see the light.

20. I can’t fucking breathe. Oh my God, I can’t fucking breathe. I don’t even remember what air tastes like. I really can’t recommend this to anyone.

21. Yeah, I stole another one like an hour later. Wow, these things are evil!