HOUSTON — A local 39-year-old Rockets fan’s entire financial future is dependent on hitting a promotional half-court shot worth $100,000, said nearby sources. “I don’t…
FRANKFORT, Ky. — Oft-succumbing and soon-dying United States senator Mitch McConnell revealed his post-political plans of destroying all the houses Jimmy Carter built during his…
BALTIMORE — Local vinyl collector and self-proclaimed financial wizard Eric Drysden recently calculated his net worth using vinyl website Discogs.com, claimed friends who were definitely…
LA MESA, Calif. — Prolific thrash metal frontman Dave Mustaine started a rival retirement organization after being removed from the American Association of Retired Persons…
I used to set aside fifteen percent of my paycheck for IRAs, savings accounts, and other get-rich-slow schemes. But why am I saving money for…
If you’re anything like me, you’ve got a living nightmare of a job that takes every ounce of your being to make it through the…
NIAGARA FALLS, N.Y. — Dale Buttry, owner of cherished local record store Spinsy’s Records and Tapes, has come to the conclusion that he should be…
AKRON, Ohio — Local scene legend and bartender William Lindberg admitted his dreams of retiring in his fifties or sixties depends solely on which of…
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Aging hardcore guy and noted crowd killer Tom Reilly reportedly received a gold X Swatch for his decades-long career as a pit…
ATLANTA — A 1996 Ford Econoline E-150 is spending its retirement transporting guests of the Holiday Inn safely to and from Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport after…
HALSINGLAND, Sweden — A new study revealed that the vast majority of individuals aged 26 to 42 consider the acid cult that kills people featured…
COMMON BEAGLE SMALL INTESTINE — Health authorities called upon legendary white blood cell police officer Osmosis Jones to come out of retirement and help as…
WOODLAWN, Md. — A recent government study indicates that fans of thrash metal will finally be eligible for Social Security benefits in the coming year,…
ATHENS, Ga. — A Gibson Flying V with over 20 years of service in the punk scene was smashed just one day before it was…
TULSA, Okla. — Local punk Eddie Abrams’s plans to retire are reportedly contingent upon his dying young and nothing else, according to a meeting with…