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Record Store Owner Figures He’s Five or Six More Taylor Swift Album Releases Away From Retiring Comfortably

NIAGARA FALLS, N.Y. — Dale Buttry, owner of cherished local record store Spinsy’s Records and Tapes, has come to the conclusion that he should be able to retire after about five or six more Taylor Swift releases, according to his loose calculations.

“I’m sure you’ve seen that insane statistic about Taylor Swift albums accounting for like, 99% of all record sales in 2023 or whatever, and that means good things for crusty old record shop owners like myself,” Buttry stated, adding her album “Midnights” made up 75% of sales at his store alone in 2022. “With the announcement of ‘Tortured Poets Department,’ I’m already seeing dollar signs as I figure the limited edition ‘Travis Kelce Brain Trauma CT Scan’ vinyl variant will sell out in two minutes. I guess I’ll consider myself a Swiftie too as long as my profits from her albums keep filling up my retirement account.”

Longtime customer Stacy Pinchard was hopeful for the future of her favorite record store.

“This place helped me lay down the groundwork for the music nerd I am today, and by music nerd, I mean they sold me my first Devo record,” Pinchard explained while adding the fact that she hopes Taylor Swift stays relevant long enough for Spinsy’s to stay afloat. “I don’t care for billionaires or mainstream mindless pop music myself, but if Dale can keep the shop open and save money for retirement solely on Swift’s musical diarrhea, then I’m totally on board. After all, that guy is old as hell already. He needs to call it quits before he croaks.”

Taylor Swift’s PR representative Richard Dolan believed the nation was living in what he referred to as a “Swift-Based Economy.”

“Screw the auto industry! I think it’s time we recognize the fact that Taylor is the new backbone of the American economy,” Dolan enthusiastically stated. “Think about what she’s done for the concert ticket industry. She’s inadvertently made the lousy Kansas City Chiefs into one of the most lucrative sports franchises in history just by dating one of their no-name players. And she’s on track to single-handedly boost Boeing’s profits just by riding around in her own jet. If you ain’t on the Swift train already, you will be, whether you want to or not, goddamnit.”

At press time, Spinsy’s Records and Tapes was fined a substantial amount for selling Taylor Swift live bootleg LPs in order to provide more cash for his children’s college fund.