NEW YORK — A recent study that analyzed the latest Census data revealed that America’s new retirement age is death, confirmed sources who kind of already knew that.
“It’s best for Americans in this current job market to prioritize their job over life, family, friends, a vacation of any kind, and of course the very idea that one may be comfortable enough to one day not work,” said Matthew Terry, a project manager with Economics Enterprise, who helped conduct the study. “We surveyed 100 middle-aged people and found that their current retirement savings are roughly -$50,000, if you account for consumer, medical, and student loan debt. So you have no choice but to work until your soul leaves your body and your body stays in an upright position with your fingers hovering over a keyboard. You know that thing in movies where someone discreetly closes a dead person’s eyelids? It is very likely an overworked and under-paid paramedic does that to you while your eyes remain transfixed on an Excel spreadsheet.”
Readers of the study felt a surprising sense of relief.
“Hearing this is actually really comforting,” said Jules Arnold, a middle school vice principal who also bartends four nights a week and drives for Uber on the weekends to make ends meet. “I don’t have to bother saving up for retirement anymore or figuring out what a 401(k) is. I was pretty sure I was going to keep slaving away at life until my last breath leaves my body, and this confirms it. It’s a weight lifted.”
Chief Economist at Fitches Ratings Brian Coulton weighed in on the current economic state of Americans mulling retirement.
“It’s best to shove those thoughts deep, deep down and never really put them in the front of your mind,” Coulton began. “Even in your wildest dreams, really. It just does not make economic sense. Between tariffs and a new forever war with Iran, the notion of retiring at all right now is laughable. You have to hustle as an 85-year-old to make it in this economy. Your only hope is that you’ll get one of those life-threatening illnesses and die at a young age.”
At press time, most Americans can be found weighing their options between donating plasma or semen in order to afford one bag of green grapes.
